Sometimes I just go for it

I'm sorry for using song titles on my blog.

Finally we have broken the laws national identity and had good weather on a bank holiday weekend. Congratulations. I hope the sentence is worth it.

Wednesday morning I was ready on time to leave for the office. I was stupidly nervous about the interview but unwilling to admit that it mattered (surprise surprise). My last fortune cookie reared its carbohydrate head and came back to bite me on the butt again.

"Everything in life is luck."

I hope it isn't all down to luck or there are going to be a lot of undeserving winners. So in that last comment I probably just proved that luck is a element in our lives. Crime does pay these day afterall. I also heard yo get a good pension scheme with it.

Traffic was heavy and I had to rush to catch my train. As my shoes clattered up the platform the muffled announcement said that the train for London Liverpool Street would now be terminating at Ipswich where passengers will need to disembark for a bus transfer to Colchester before resuming their journey. I paused to catch my breath and check the overhead monitor for the next train but that had been cancelled. From there on I knew the day was going to be a wash out.

As the train slowed to a halt at Ipswich the intercom advised that we should all remain seated until told otherwise, twenty minutes passed, along with furtive glances amongst the passengers but still nothing happened. Then in quick succession three different announcements were made. the first was that this train was going to Liverpool Street afterall (to which there was an audible sigh of relief). The second asked us to leave the train as it would be returning to Norwich and the third said we were going to Liverpool Street again!? By this time I was confused and didn't have a clue whether I should be sitting there or waiting on the platform. The crowd of passengers heading to norwich boarding the train was a pointer in the right direction. I lurched from my seat before they had a chance to lock the train doors and made my way out to the car park to join the unsighlty queue for the bus transfer.

All in all, an extra hour and a half was added on to my journey, had they let us join the queue for the bus when we arrived this would have been substantially less but it's too late now.

I finally arrived in the office just after 11:00am looking rather flusterd and somewhat agitated. My interview was bought forward an hour so I knew that a lunch break was out of the question and I hadn't had a chance to write notes for my speech or go through my competancies as we are encouraged to do. Not sure about Vince but I know dave took notes in with him to the interview. They both said that it was tough and that Kath and Kathy (what a combination) had changed their personality and approach a few times throughout.

As I got up to go down for my meeting Dave (looking concerned) said, "are you not taking notes with you?" I shrugged nonchalantly and said I would be fine. He didn't seem convinced. The interview was just over an hour long. I don't mind admitting that I struggles to come up with examples for things every now and then but that I was reasonably happy with my presentation. I noted that they didn't change their style like the guys had said and seemed friendly throughout. I suspect that they had me in there to make up numbers and weren't really considering me for the role which would explain their differing behaviour. I also didn't get asked some of the questions that the guys got asked such as about how the company is doing financially at the moment. Lucky really because I wouldn't have had a clue.

What else? Erm, well the insurance people who said they would send us a cheque still hadn't and were making excuses as to why not. Tom lost his rag with them but not sure he actually got anywhere. Tom worked all weekend but he is off tomorrow until Friday then has Saturday and Sunday off which will be great.

It was the Carling festival this weekend so the majority of my friends were off camping. I am looking forward to their tales and impressions when they get back. I checked out a few of the live sets on the bbc Reading and Leeds official website. the streaming is really good quality so it was pretty cool.

Off to Essex tomorrow until Thursday. will tell you what the Ritz is like.

21/08/2007

Most people will admit that seeing a brown envelope on the door matt makes them cringe or sigh, another bill or reminder. I have a morbid curiosity with the small white envelopes that appear every now and then. These days I spend a lot of time waiting for them to appear, but when I reach the matt I find myself holding back, almost unwilling to touch it. In truth I want, no, need to know what is inside but I am terrified of the answers I will get and a few deeps breaths isn’t enough to steel me against any news.

No news is good news. I always wondered how people could say that, a definite answer means you can accept it and move on. But today I am at my desk struggling to focus on work because today I realise that no news really would have been good news. When you are waiting for an answer you have hope that it will be whatever you are looking for, but when you have it, hope is gone. I make no sense and I know that but it’s so hard to describe that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I slide down onto the sofa envelope in hand. The breathless anticipation, or anxiety at the very least, as I tear it open and pull the latest letter out.

"Dear Ms Mallen….. We have considered the concerns you raised about Dr Jane Preston and have concluded that your complaint would be best handled by the doctor’s employer….We will only carry out enquiries of our own, if the results of local investigation call into question a doctor’s fitness to practise."

For the above please read: "Dr J Preston did not actually kill you or give you any lasting physical injuries that we are aware of, she may well have provided harmful and unnecessary medication and given an incorrect diagnosis which resulted in you needing counselling, however, we feel that she is still fit to practise as a doctor on other patients in the NHS."

I think the world ground to a halt when I read that. I was getting over the fact that my lawyer wouldn’t sue Dr Preston because she was on a no win no fee basis but that the General Medical Council are supposed to protect patients from unfit doctor’s and I was prescribed a carcinogenic drug that wasn’t required and would have been given daily for the rest of my life.
I spoke to a different lawyer hoping someone would be willing to take my case but he said as there was no physical injury they couldn’t. Ironic as he pretty much said I should have waited until I got cancer. Apparently what I have been through just hasn’t been enough, the extra symptoms, nightmares, counselling that I should probably arrange more of but don’t want to as I don’t want to ruin my chances of a new role in the company. I am in catch 22. The incident is on my mind every day while she wont ever give what she did another thought. The legal justice system in the UK is blind.

Your probably sick of hearing me say this but, I cried. I tried to talk to my mum who said I either needed to find someone to take my case or let it go, but whilst I’m sure she made sense and meant well I can’t figure out where to go next and emotionally I can’t forgive or forget what happened to me. I hurt too much inside too often and thanks to the handy work of two hospitals I no longer trust the judgement of people who have trained for years in their field of expertise and might well be proficient in their role.

Kind of makes you realise how frustrated dogs must get when they chase their own tails. Round and round they go, so sure that this time they will catch it. So close but so far, the goal is always in sight but forever out of reach. (unless they have a bloody long tail).

So today I am angry, frustrated and hurt all over again. I should be working on my notes for tomorrow’s presentation but instead I am typing this to try and calm myself and give myself perspective. There are 6 billion people on this planet going about their daily lives, I don’t even know a fraction of them but I do know that we are all alone until we let down our guard and accept that people might fall short of our expectations but equally they might be more than we ever hoped.

18/08/07

Today I am supposed to be in London yet I find myself at home alone. Not actually too surprised. Getting the car fixed meant I didn't have the cash to go out with Jo this weekend and we are even on emergency rations at home. Ironically we would have been fine it we hadn't gone to the zoo.

Everything is fine and tom and I are getting on pretty good at the moment, last night he was talking about how we were going to have two children but he couldn't figure out how we would have room for them in this house. Not that I am too excited by the prospect or anything but I think I have cracked it. Not my head although you might wonder anyway. I will just need to get rid of my home office and find room for it either in my bedroom or in the utility room. That gives us use of all three bedrooms again. If we move our room to the front of the house then the kids can have the back two rooms. of course all of this counts on us getting the house finished off and getting approval for adoption.
Tom was quick to point out we wont be able to go to the same holiday resorts we have been booking as they are adults only but there are family resorts to the same standard and we both like camping so things will be great anyway.

Sometimes we pick at scabs, sometimes I make myself ill by eating something I know I shouldn't. Sometimes I search out the things that upset me by picking arguments at home or looking on the internet for more information on my illness or medical procedure. Most of the time though I am just stupid.
I sat there today and read a bunch of medical documents that relate to my health and cried. Why do we like to hurt ourselves so much? To remind ourselves that we are real? I already know I care about it, but I find myself drawn to do these things like the ill people who self mutilate and can't stop themselves even though they know they are wrong. You might find that an ill fitting comparison but I am leaving just as many bruises contusions that wont get a chance ot heal. I take a deep breath and feel my heart beat from inside my head, another headache from the stress. Why I am still here?

Kevin is waiting for news as to whether he has prostate cancer or not. My mum has had to chase doctors for her latest cancer screening results. My friend is waiting to have a benign tumor removed and I have had two removed this year already. It amazes me that there is anyone left on this planet that isn't screwed up.

I have my interview on Wednesday. I have done my powerpoint presentation (i think) I need to write a few cue cards as I know I will struggle otherwise but in honesty I don't actually care anymore. I have heard on the grape vine (why is it called that?) that a guy from Scotland already has the job and to be honest I just want to earn better money and enjoy what I do which Isn't going to happen within this company or this lifetime.

I think I must be tired. I have slept and overslept and even had forty winks more this week but I still feel drained.

sail away on a sea of tears cried by me over all these years...

Everything In Life is Luck

I should have known that cookie would come back and bite me on the butt.

I got a phone call 8:15pm Tuesday night, as soon as I heard the voice on the other end of the line I had a good idea of what had happened. One of the back tyres on our new car had blown part the way round the roundabout at the Postwick park and ride, Tom had spun 180 degrees gone the wrong way around the roundabout and ploughed into a road sign on the grass verge. Better than another car but still not a great way to end the day.

being that luck or destiny wanted to prove a point that evening it turned out that we werent covered on the breakdown cover as it was classed as an accident so I had to call someone to tow the car home. The first company wouldn't accept cash so this took some time to arrange. He eventually arrived home about 11:00pm. Two seperate police cars had stopped (both over an hour after the accident) and an ambulance had also checked on him (again over an hour after the crash in which time he could have bled to death). Thankfully though he wasn't injured. Just pissed off, frustrated, angry and shocked to find himself again without a car.

Got a mobile mechanic to look at the car on Wednesday morning and he said that all we needed to do was change the back wheel, knock out the dent in the bumper and replace the number plate as we had just about missed breaking the radiator.

So the car is back on the road, we are broke until the end of the month and the car looks a little worse for wear. But hey, everything in life is luck! I will never eat another fortune cookie again!

Animals do the funniest things

And Homo sapiens are no exception. Our day out on the 12th was lovely, the weather was wrm but breezy nad it didn't rain until we were back in the car for the drive home. We forgot the mobile but the car was fine. My fortune cookie the night before read "everything in life is luck" it makes me wonder if there is luck, or chance or coincidence or maybe if there is a predestined path that we are bound to follow. So many tiny pebbles thrown into the river, eventually they change the flow, so maybe we can change our futures despite seeing the collisions that will undoubtedly happen if we ourselves refuse to change and grow from what we are.

Tom's favourite exhibit was the sea lion tunnel. He is funny like that. He loved it but was drawn quickly through it almost holding his breath waiting for the glass to collapse under the weight of hundreds of gallons of salt water. It didn't maybe that was luck too. Or more likely the clever design developed over years of hard work. try as I might I still struggle to believe in luck. For usch large creatures they glide so gracefully above the arc of the tunnel, some roll onto their backs; they are teasing the guests, showing off with playful acrobatics. They are our size or bigger yet they posses more grace and humour than most humans will ever know. They may be locked behind perspex but mentally they are free.

We saw the chimpanzies, I am a sucker for the familiar brown eyes. They know us all too well and there is so much to recognise inside their gaze; they make me ashamed of all I waste and the price they pay for our growth as a species. We refuse to pay our own debts but deny we owe them for their sacrifices. They are a family. A mother eats a carrot while her youngest child scampers amongst the ropes, swinging and capering in pure delight at the attention of the guests. Its older sibling watches morosely from the sidelines you can almost hear it sigh. And the father sits against the perspex wall watching intently, a game of staring that you can't possibly win. He waits for time to pass along with us.

It was sad watching the two orang utans. One was sitting quiet and seemingly sad in the corner of its exhibit (can you imagine life in a fish tank? a world with no privacy yet full of walls?) whilst it's mate lay hidden under a pile of sacking. We didn't even know it was there. Not until feeding time when the sacking moved and it wandered with it's makeshift cloak (like something out of harry potter almost) over to the keeper for food. They are a solitary species apparently, no wonder they look so cheesed off.

In retrospect I think the penguins were the animals that I took the most away from. We arrived at the exhibit and all but 3 of them were huddled in one corner. They jostled for position and started expectantly upwards. A quick glance at our map and programme indicated what the penguins instinctively knew. It was nearly feeding time. When the keeper finally appeared they had formed an orderly queue and then walked single file (on best behaviour I susepect) into the guest area to be fed. Only three remained, clearly aware that they would get fed later anyway and not wanting to encourage further visits from zoo guests. Penguins are stubborn creatures. Better behaved than most school kids though!

The State of the Nation

What has changed since 11/08/2006? Not much in all honesty and for that I am ashamed.

This year I learned some more Russian and learned a little spanish too. I went to my first concerts and went abroad for the first time as an adult. Since I turned 23 I have lived through a flood, 2 tumors, emergency surgery, 3 hospital stays, an abdominal haemhorrage and a silly number of arguments.

In 12 months I have realised I love Tom more than I thought I did, become more insecure about somethings but strangley calm about a lot of others. I have booked and arranged my wedding and honeymoon (this time it will happen), been to Glasgow for the first time; changed teams at work about 3 times within a year; lost an ovary; lost half a stone; lost the will to live, but found compassion and understanding. I found I wasn't alone. This year has been the biggest life lesson so far and the next one will continue to build on the challenges that I have faced and am still facing daily.

Mostly I have learned that it is ok to ask for help but you have to keep your eye on the ball because everyone makes mistakes and even the simplest things can change a persons life forever.

here's to the next 12 months and the change they will bring.

Sirens and sirens

Not sure which would be worse actually.

There have been loud sirens of the sort you would expect during World War two air raids all morning. I know I slept in but did I miss some sort of international disaster (other than my fashion sense)? I have decided that it must be the flood warning system for the town but the sky is a clear azure, there is no breeze at all and the world is heating up quickly. Not your normal flood weather.

The inlaws visited yesterday. We met up with them on my lunch break at the beach, amazing weather but the sea breeze took the heat right off. Was good to see them, Robert just seems to stay the same all the time but I am sure he is growing and changing really. Lauren on the other hand just seems to feel younger everytime; it's like she is smaller and (dare I say it) more girly every visit but being a girl I suppose there is nothing strange about that.

Tom and I had an argument last night. I can't even remember what about, it was that dumb. It elevated to a slanging match of all our favourite mistakes. Tom actually took a couple of swings at my insecurities that he has figured out recently so soon the balance of power (if there was one but you know what I mean) went the other way and I was in tears telling him to get lost. At various points we were planning on sleeping in seperate beds, he even had his hand to my throat and I ran off with the quilt. Yeah so mature, how can I possibly be 24 today??
We sat there and started the make up routine of slowly apologising for certain comments and he told me what he had written in my birthday card, I literally sobbed, that's a new one for me.
So we cuddled, he made a move on me but I told him to forget it (haha) and then we cuddled some more till he fell asleep. Question-do men always fall asleep first?

water water everywhere and not a drop to drink

Apparently parts of the country are still without drinking water ironically because we have had one of the wettest months on record.

They said summer had arrived but I blinked and am now sitting in my jacket typing with chilled finger tips. My writing has never been hot, and despite the unseasonally cold weather I am still far from cool.

Another night of sharks and chases.

Dream meaning-
To see a shark in your dream, represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Alternatively, you may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. The shark symbolizes feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.

Earwig To see an earwig in your dream, signifies unpleasant news that will affect you and your business and family relations.

Monster To dream that you are followed by a monster, signifies that grief and misfortune are in your immediate future. Monsters represent parts of yourself that you find brutish and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions.

Chase To dream that you are being chases, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

Beach To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.
To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc.
To dream that you are looking toward the beach, suggests that you are returning to what is familiar to you. Alternatively, you may be adapting or accepting to the changes and circumstances in your life.

Lost To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

To dream that you are trapped or caught in a trap, suggests that you are feeling confined and restricted in your job, career, health, or a personal relationship. You may be in a rut or tired of the same daily monotony.


Well doesn't my subconscious have a rosey outlook on things? Someone should tell it to have a positive mental attitude!

08/08/2007

I miss being a kid and having 6 weeks off in the summer, being bored and stuck doing chores for my folks. I miss the homework rush a week before the end of the holidays and the way the days just seemed to last forever. I miss a lot of things that I have always taken forgranted. I want to start over. Turn the page and begin again, a new story where the protagonist doesn't make so many blindingly obvious mistakes.

Medical website says that serous cystadenomas have a 30% chance of being malignant. That makes me a pretty lucky girl in some respects. I've had two of them and both were apperently benign. In other senses to have had any in the first place was pretty bad luck. It's all in the toss of the coin. Medical websites also say that a torsion requires surgery within 6 hours, and if there is a haemorrage (excuse my spelling) it requires immediate surgery. So what's with living for 7 days in this condition? Well anything over the 6 hours means I had no chance of saving my ovary. Goodbye leftie. Statistically speaking I'm very lucky to be alive.

Remind me of this late at night when I feel so alone and the monsters in my dreams bleed over into reality for just a few moments when you just aren't sure if there really is something about happen.

The other night I was chased by a sea monster and I was only in this tiny boat. The boat was heading for shore but even when we ran up the beach the monster kept coming. There is no escape when the beach is closed in by cliffs. There is no escape when your subconscious has it in for you.

The car insurance people have upped their offer by 500 so we have accepted. Cut and run before they change their minds. Tom is taking me to the zoo on Sunday. We are going down to Colchester, we haven't been to the zoo there in years, infact I think the last time we went we took Robert and he couldn't have been more than 6. He hid behind us when we were looking at the lions. The animals are separated from the guests by perspex and he was terrified they could get through but morbid curiosity had him peeking from between us. A day as a family, well almost. yet another reminder of what I wanted so much. Thankyou churchill, you leave me 500 closer to paying for the wedding and so 500 closer to the family I am hoping for.

I will never leave my child to stay in hospital alone when I know he/she must be so scared. So many lessons learned this year about life and what I do and don't want, I thought i was mature before but I think now that I need to unlearn a few things, forget the seriousness sometimes so I can learn to have fun and remember how to be happy again.

Lazy summer afternoons cutting the next door neighbours lawn, getting into a grass fight and catching frogs by the pond. Cricket in the park with my brothers, when they still cared if we all existed or not. And ice cream at Rossi's whilst avoiding doing revision. Little things.

I feel so calm these days, but so sad too. I need to snap out of this daze, I can't spend lunch hours researching what happened to me and night times forever punishing myself for not having fixed it. I can't forever punish Tom and hide away from him, we are only human and people get tired of being pushed away or argued with over nothing. I love you. Not something, I say so much at the moment, but something that I feel and brings tears to my eyes.

Thank you Tom, though you will never read this. Thank you for being there, and putting up with me, thank you for listening when you want to sleep and thank you for looking after me and supporting me in your own way even though I don't always appear to appreciate it.

Thank you for caring and loving me when I have been cold in return.

I love you.

06/08/2007

So Tom has surprised me. He took to heart that I was upset by being forgotten and whilst he couldn't get my birthday off of work he did call his nan and re arrange our visit so we could have a day off together. What's more he has actually considered what we could do on that day. This is a turn of events for a guy that can't normally remember my birthday let alone arrange anything. The last time actually went to an effor to arrange it was the summer before we started seeing eachother!

Rang the experience people again but as usual they said send the vouchers back in and then we can amend them to whatever you like, but as I can't book anything until after I have the new vouchers and then I tend to find that the dates I need aren't free I seem t be wasting my time.
I tried to cancel the vouchers and get a refund but was told they keep £25.00 from each voucher (bearing in mind I had 6 totalling 300 they are taking the piss a bit).

Feeling drained at the moment, I just can't sleep properly and the same old thoughts have been swarming around my brain.
I am in list mode, I have written a list of hotels for our wedding guests (if they ever reply I would be impressed), I've done a list of items yet to pay for (and I can't believe how much that came to) and I also wrote a couple of lists on work related (as such boring) things. I am a planner, but plans don't always come to fruition and most of mine are never as I thought they would be. But then I guess life would be boring if things were always as expected.

The sun has been bright but the air has been cooler today, a few drops of rain imitating the few small tears that fell at lunch time, both without rhyme or reason and neither had been expected, neither lasted long. The garden is in bloom. I don't even recognise some of the flowers blossoming but it is bright and varied, the lobelia has softened the edges of the brick walls draping like in photos of cottage gardens, almost romantic.

The pear tree is bending, laden with too much fruit and they aren't even ripe yet.

Reading Good Omens, again. Why hasn't anyone done a screen play for this yet??

02/08/2007

Last nights dreams were a mish-mash of action and bizarre fantasy that only the unconscious mind or Tarrantino could possibly believe would work as an understandable plot line.
As the minutes turn to hours this morning the bulk of the drama has already decomposed like a corpse in the humidity of the everglades (how lovely). Mostly I remember a hospital that was also a hotel, waiting for an operation but being told that I had to kill someone, there was a sniper in the opposite building so I had to keep away from the windows and was crawling between the hospital beds on the wards. Then in the more hotel like area of the hospital people were drinking at tables in business groups (work is obviously getting to me) and I was told that one table was dangerous and I needed to infiltrate them (I have such a vivid imagination). From somewhere in my psyche the yakuza then appeared and were getting pretty violent (definitely Tarrantino inspired), then I can’t remember the next bit but for some reason there were lots of macaws in different colours and one was climbing my arm but it’s claws were long and sharp. That was when the alarm went off. I know at some point last night I was walking around just having had an operation and was in pain but trying to get something done but I can’t tell if it was the same dream or not.

the best things in life are free

If I could trade insecurities I would be a rich girl
But I was never good with figures
Could you negotiate these curves
Because these lines are coming thick and fast
Like the years advancing around my weary smile
my confidence grows with interest but it takes a while

could you invest your time any better with me?
we pay a high price for this privacy
but mistakes could cost us everything
discount that last line, it's false like me
forged like this facade and everything you see
can be bought and paid for if you have the currency

Did you come to stare or wash away the blood?

Yesterday was a great day as far as weather went, we went to the beach at lunch and there was nothing huge that happened but slowly I slipped away. It happens more frequently than it should but something will be said or done and I just shut down. I stop talking unless I have to, I curl up and I hide away bottling it all up inside until it becomes too much and I invraiably spend the night in silent tears listening to tom sleep.

Yesterday it was a combination of insignificant things. My boss refusing to change my DPR ratings which wa an insult to me and pretty much shutting the door on any new role within the company for another year. Then there was our bank balance going down due the car problems we have had which mean we can do less and less and are dropping behind in paying for stuff that should be done by now. Finally Tom forgot it was my birthday and booked us to see his nan on his day off.

Silly stuff I know but it all made me think of the promises I made to myself when I was off sick. This year would be a ne begining, this year i would start to make things happen and not just let go of my plans and dreams. I would achieve something with my life. Looking back I haven't changed much of anything and that's the crux of it. I am still a broken trapped girl who is as lost as she was when she last had a counselling session. I am no better, I am far worse. I know I am ill still but am too scared to do much about it.

In counselling I decided I needed to start my life over, begin again and look to the future but everytime I try and take a step forward I end up taking two backwards. I wanted to improve my career so I studied towards my exams, was the first person to pass and have worked hard but when i try and move on at work they shut the door firmly in my face. I can get nowhere. When I have looked externally to improve my career I have been told that agencies could easily get me a better job if I didn't live here.

In my personal life i spend as much time alone as I ever. This year I will be spending my birthday alone as Tom forgot it and didn't book the day off work. I have made no new friends here because I have no need to leave the house and I am aware of just how isolated I have become. I mean if I wasn't isolated I would be saying this to someone rather than badgering the keypad in front of me.

When I was growing up all I wanted was to fall in love, get married, be a barrister then take a career break to have my family in a nice house with a dog. No aspirations to be famous or super rich. But I have given up that particular career path and my current road is also blocked. As for the family I can't have kids and it's killing me inside these days. I feel useless, if I'm no good at work then I should be good at the whole domestic thing but I'm no. So what's the point in me? Why am I here?
I cried so hard last night my lungs were burning and stil he slept as peaceful as ever. I feel hopeless, as in devoid of hope. I just can't see a way forward. Everytime we get better financially something happens and we are back to square one. At this rate we will never finish the house and adopt a child.
I have never understood how people could kill themselves but last night for the first time in my life I could understand how you might desperately want to escape your life, to want to be anything or anyone other than you no matter how you might have to achieve it. Only running away is for stories told to children at bedtimes about fairytale princesses with happy endings. There is nowhere to run. In the real world I have responsibilities, bills to pay, people I care about even if they barely remember me. Unlike the summer holidays where you could look forward to a new begining, a chance to be someone different and the whole world seems new, here once a mistake is made, its there for good. There is no turning back on this road. If you trip and fall daddy wont be there to pick you up and make it better. Saying sorry changes nothing. And I am so scared.

keep your expectations low and you will not be let down

But if you expect others to treat you the way you treat them you are in for a surprise.

I have always worked hard, never been rude to a customer, always offered help to people in and outside of my team, I do thinkgs daily that will not benefit me in any way shape or form so in the end I expect that my DPR ( a review a bit like your annual school report) will reflect my efforts. Could do better.

The report I got in advance of my interview for the managers role was not great. OK it was beyond not great, it was insulting. I might be a little fragile on this topic but please, people across corporate desk come to me for assistance on revenue so telling me I need a better understanding of revenue as I don't understand it at the moment is like waving that middle digit nice and high.

There were other comments about time management (I am never later and frequently do work in evenings and weekends to get further ahead) and that I needed to develop my coaching skills (even though i spend half my time explaining things to other people) so I contested it.

Waste of time, maybe they were right about time management afterall. if I had the sense I wouldn't have bothered as I was just told that he had only met me twice, had managed me for just a short time (6 months for which I was off sick 3 months) and he had no evidence to the contrary that I was good with revenue and coaching.
He will poke his eye out if he keeps waving that finger.

The biggest joke of all was the bottom of my report where it says that LIZ is happy with her ratings. I think it's pretty obvious that he just changed the names throughout the rest of the report and forgot that section. Moron.

While I'm ranting I'm just going to say that Tom forgot it was my birthday next week and said we would spend his one day off at his nan's and cook her lunch. Which roughly translates to Rachel gets to do the ironing, then cook lunch, make friendly small talk before doing the dishes, while tom sleeps on the sofa and Beryl watches TV.
Again, after 7 birthdays together should I really be surprised, I think I have had 2 cards over the years one of which he has never actually written in because he always forgets. I love you too, till death do us part.

Desert Song

I listened to this properly for the first time even though I have had it for ages, whilst not recorded to the highest standard it is an incredibly touching song both in performace and meaning.

Made me think about what we are all waiting for, the wars and tragedies that happen and we just stand with our jaws dropped waiting for another country's government to save us or in the case of the religious wars/armies/terrorists, for their god to come to their aid and prove them righteous.

Desert Song MCR
We hold in our hearts the sword and the faith
Swelled up from the rain clouds, move like a wraith
Well after all, we'll lie another day
And through it
find some other way
To carry on through cartilage and fluid
And did you come to stare, or wash away the blood?

Well tonight, well tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days
Rocking out just for the dead
Well tonight
Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime, in my head

Did we all fall down? [x4]
From the lights to the pavement
From the van to the floor
From backstage to the doctor
From the Earth to the morgue
Morgue, morgue, morgue

Well tonight
Will it ever come?
Spend the rest of your days Rocking out just for the dead
Well tonight Will it ever come?
I can see you awake anytime in my head

All fall down
Well after all...


CNN

We look about for somebody’s face
Eyes dart about for anybody’s face
Someone to save us, take the pain away
Uncertainty and loneliness in the dark
But as we trip and fall we are still not
Braced for impact, a tragedy waiting to happen
Millions fall waiting to be dusted off by a saviour
But only we can save ourselves
Only I can save myself.

Wont you save me, if I just believe enough
If I choose to believe in you?
Can you choose to believe?

You have so many faces,
Yet none have I seen
And as they pray to you, deepest wishes
So vulnerable, unprepared for it all
And we will trip and fall, still not
braced for impact, tragedy on every channel
millions watch as their waiting to be dusted off by a saviour
but only we can save ourselves
only I can save myself.

Wont you save me, if I just believe enough
If I choose to believe in you?
Can you choose to believe?
Turn blind eyes to the evidence
And remember faith once misplaced
Recapture lost innocence
Shut my eyes to return to the place

Where I tripped and fell not braced for impact
Sitting speechless on my knees wont wait to be saved
as only we can save ourselves
Only I can save myself

bored beyond belief

Yet I have a pile of work and personal stuff to do. Sometimes sitting bored and idle seems preferrable to achieving anything constructive. Is this apathy or is it just me?

Random Thoughts

The pallid skins we’re living in are lifeless I despair
They travel through this empty world without worry or even care
But what becomes of the children we once were
Their hope and innocence vanished in the air

Their dreams a fog, intangible, a long forgotten blur
The sea of empty faces, a rows of nameless graves
Is all that remains of us.
If we chose nameless faces and empty graves
What would become of us?

Our headstones far from made or set
The caskets not yet sealed
A fatal wound not felt yet
Or had a chance to heal

We feel alive in conflict,
We feel alive in hate,
Sometimes even love to touch us
But we leave it all to fate

This apathy is killing me
But I couldn’t care much less
I’d break the chains to set me free
But morphine left me thoughtless

Recollections

Recently I have been thinking about the most random things. Tom and I were bantering and teasing, I was loosing the war of words and all of a sudden I had the strangest thought I wanted a pair of baby terrapins, one for each hand (stop laughing at me) to bite his chest. I know it's crazy and somewhat surreal, what's even worse is that I burst into fits of giggles and felt the urge to explain this whole impulse to him. Unsurprisingly he was baffled and then relieved tha we don't have a ready supply of terrapins in Norfolk.

Also been thinking about Ariel, an anthology of poems by Sylvia Plath. I read this at college and at the time there were aspects that i just couldn't appreciate, she was so depressed and her mindset so complicated yet her work was wonderfully talented. She could capture her anguish so well.

The night before last I was laying in bed when I suddenly decided that I wanted to read Good Omens (Terry Pratchett co-authored). I have read this book before but out of nowhere I had the urge to re-read. Also I think this would make a great movie and don't quite get why no one has done the screenplay yet. I mean what could be better than a deamon that doesn't quite like hell, or a world in which tapes turn into Queen's greatest hits. That means no more spice girls! See perfection.
So yesterday i logged onto ebay and bought a copy. It's got the new cover which is a shame but it's the same story so who really cares.

Jo is reading Lord of the flies at the moment, another superb study on civilisation and it's true fragility. I will be interested to see if she likes the end as I thought it was an anticlimax and detracted from the main story, but I'm awkward like that.

Picked up the new car, it seems to run ok, or drive if you want to be pedantic. Can I drive you mad if I don't have a car? Or would it be that I walk you mad? I don't understand anymore.

Still waiting for the settlement on the old car and still waiting for my statement to come through from the lawyers so I can check and sign it. They rang yesterday and asked for details of Oldchurch hospital as their letter to them had been returned unopened. I don't know why they sent a letter to them as they are shut down and I wasn't treated there!? I explained all that so I think they are now heading in the right direction, I just hope they bought a moral compass.

In the silence I dip my hand into the water,
Broken reflections lead this lamb to slaughter
Distorted images like memories
The yesterdays they come like waves
Washing over me, over her, she’s gone
Buried in the past that I’m borne from

I hold her down, submerged
Bubbles instead of final words
She struggles as she starts to sink
In years gone by in but a blink

She’s gone, I’m all alone
On the killing floor her final home
Her resting place done with such ease
If only I could rest in peace
Like moths my eyelids flutter
Bloodied hands, wordless cries uttered

Hope has gone along with her,
Even dreamless sleep escapes me
It was me, naivety, I murdered
Myself, innocence my paradise lost