27/07/2007

The complaints guy from the JPH emailed to suggest I call him. We talked for about half an hour, the received shaking against my ear, my face flush with emotion and my voice cracking. My mouth was dry and I couldn't articulate much of anything. He told me to send him the chronology and a list of questions I wanted answers to and that he would speak to Dr Preston then arrange a face to face meeting.

I sat there editing the chronology but the screen was a blur, i dread to think of the number of typo's. In the end I emailed it across stating that I wouldn't be willing to do a face to face meeting with Dr Preston because it would only upset me and make me angry which always leaves me speechless. For some reason I just curl up and hide myself away inside when I get emotional, I guess it's safer than letting people see you for you are. The idea of seeing her face to face made my stomach turn, I can't risk going back on all the progress I have been making. I will not fall apart and let them win.

3:00pm came by pretty quick and then it was time to give a statement with my solicitor. again I was griping the phone so tight that my knuckles were white but my hand was shaking so much i thought i still might drop it. The statement took nearly an hour and I restrained myself from getting too emotional. The sad thing is that she understood that JPH were in the wrong and even agreed that they needed to be investigated but that because it isn't a quick win she wont do anything. Blind justice.

Sometimes it feels as though I am always alone. I hate being here by myself yet as a total misnoma when Tom is home I get frustrated. I must be very difficult to live with these days and I can only thank him silently as he sleeps for standing by me through this.


We agreed that we can afford the new car out of my salary this month, so the settlement cheque should pay off most of the remainder of the wedding. It still amazes and terrifies me that we will be married soon. It's a bit to late to say I'm scared of passing the point of no return as we went past that when we got a mortgage together but I guess this is very final. It's like a cremation or burial in a kind of peverse way. Ok so that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me but these days the things I think and feel rarely do.

Minds work in mysterious ways and lateral thinking is just a phrase for the like minded to feel less alone. You are a beautiful unique snowflake....

26/07/07

Turns out that the insurance company who underwrote our GAP policy have been bought out or taken over a few times since the policy start date. This was bad news for us as the policy we had purchased was amended during then and now so it no longers pays the full value of the car and will only pay upto the value of the remaining finance if our main insurer fails to pay that much. Interestingly this means they will never need to pay out as for new car purchases the value of the car will always be higher than the value of the finance remaining so the main insurer covers this cost. Basically we are getting very little when they pay out.

With this in mind we went to look for a car costing under 3,000. In the end we found a vauxhall frontera only a street a way for 900 which was in reasonable condition. The insurance for it is costing more than the car but at least we can afford both. We collect the car on Tuesday night once we have been paid.

Called The General Medical Council this morning to find out how to make a formal complaint against the JPH, they said that my allegations would be covered by them and they would send out the necessary paperwork. They also asked me to complain to the local PCT.

The PCT were less than useless (surprised?) They called me back several times throughout the day as they were so busy they couldn't deal with me in one go. In the end she told me to complain directly to the hospital but that they would look into it. no nex steps were given, neither was a formal complain made I think. I suspect that my complaint has just been filed (in the trash).

I called the JPH complaints manager a couple of times but only got his voicemail, I emailed him as well but no answer.

more questions than answers

why does society need to wait until it's too late to say enough is enough? the potential to cause cancer, the trauma of a misdiagnosis isn't enough. We have to wait for the rot to set in, the cancer to start gnawing away, and the patient to be too far gone to be saved before the Doctor is repromanded. In the meantime we have to carry the scars of mistakes that they wont be held accountable for. These scars wont fade. they are mroe red and purple than the one that runs the width of my abdomen, and they are far more sore. Just another scab I can't help but pick at and yet not enough of an injury to warrant protection by the law.
I am alone again. I have tried all avenues and no one is left to rescue me. We alone can save ourselves.
Forgiving them would be unforgivable to me, the cut runs too deep and my bleeding heart just is in peices, broken on the floor; an impossible jigsaw. No turning the other cheek, far lessers crimes are punishable and justice is promised to set me free. Only she is blind, her hands bound, unmontivated to my cause.




This ghost it haunts me like the spectre at the feast. Such a beautiful beast , it burns inside me an all consuming rage to keep me warm. These still waters run deep, my face is a facade of serenity masking unbridled anguish. save me wont you save me please. I am alone again, alone, the ones we love they always leave.

24/07/2007

Woke up to Lauren wondering into the room and climbing on the bed for a cuddle. Not sure what she will do when Tom is staying as well!?

Jo and I had breakfast which was great as we don't get a lot of time to catch up these days and we both spend mroe time with the opposite sex so girl time is darn good.

I seemed to spend more time working on others people's teams than my own today, it made a change because the opportunities were better but in the end the credit will go to someone else which can be somewhat demotivating. The team meeting was ok, although Rocky was dragging his heels and it was clear that Neil was just making the right noises so the meeting would finish sooner.

Spoke to the solicitor today, she said that she isn't going to be suing the James Paget for clinical negligence as it is too hard to prove (the burden of proof lays with the patient rather than the NHS which doesn't do much to protect the patients rights to a good standard of treatment or even competent doctors). My files are going off to an independant surgeon next week who will advise on liability for the first hospital. Need to give a statement on Friday which will be fun-not.

Sitting on the train after that was really tough. It's been months I know but even now I choke up and my eyes mist over when I have to talk about it out loud. To find out that JPH wont even be punished for what they put me through was too much and I spent the time swatting tears away and avoiding eye contact with the passengers opposite me.
I was so glad to get home.

23/07/2007

Only 4 more days to go until the next weekend (if you don't count today that is).

The boss rang at lunch time and asked if I could make it into the office so I packed my stuff and was on the train within an hour. Pretty impressive until you realise I forgot a top I borrowed from a colleague and I left without my mobile only to have to get the cab driver to turn around and let me grab it.

Was in the office for half three, the weather was seriously miserable, what has happened to summer this year? Looking out the glass walls it seemed more like November than July, the rain falling as a mist the air had a bluish gray hue that just drains the energy and enthusiasm out of you (not that being at work doesn't do that). Thankfully I was only there for about an hour and a half.

Jo and I caught the bus back to Romford on time but it seems as though we shouldn't have been so lazy and should have walked to the train station as the traffic was at a stand still and it took us over 45 mins to get from the office to the M25 junction (about a mile I think but wouldn't stake my life on it cos that would be silly).

The Pizza guy arrived not long after we got back to Jo's flat, me Jo and Jon watched some Dr Who re-runs because we are very cultured, debated the merits of Tennant over Eccleston and about half eight I swam over to the inlaws house.

Pretty good timing actually as the kids had just had their bath for the night (worryingly the same bath and Robert is getting a bit old for all that really) and Tom was on the phone to his mum. He was still pretty peeved at me for disappearing to the office but I guess he should have figured out that that's what they pay me for! Robert was pretty tired I think, he spent all evening on my lap cuddling which was really great (I know it's pathetic but I'm broody so shut up).

Ok so I was quite content being at the inlaws until Lesley turns to me and says that the kids might have nits. To set the scene more appropriately, she had spoken to me on the phone and suggested I sleep their rather than on Jo's sofa, then waited until I had arrived and cuddled the kids before mentioning they might be infected with the little critters. Genius.

North of the Border

Ok so time finally ran out and we had no excuse to get away with not attending the Cisco event in Glasgow. Monday morning I dragged my suitcase to the car and Tom dropped me off in Norwich on his way to work. The office was a hive of activity, very little of it actually work related, and as per usual the number of recognisable faces seemed to have dwindled.

Did some work, had a one to one with Dave which went ok but wasn't really anything other than expected then we all headed out to the airport. Stanstead was packed, we did some shopping had some dinner at a weatherspoons and then went to go and board, but surprise surprise there had been a security alert in Glasgow and the flight was delayed by over an hour.
The flight itself lasted about 60 minutes, the air hostess nearest us seemed to have an issue with Vince and we were repeated given dirty looks until Vince asked what hehad done, then the crap really hit the fan, Trish was in fits of giggles, I was staring at the floor biting my lip to avoid laughing and Vince was stressing because all of the air crew were stood around us asking what his problem was!
Baggage claim left a lot to be desired, I now know not to wait for the sign to say your flights luggage is there. We left our office in Brentwood at about 3pm and arrived a the hotel in Glasgow just before 10pm. The Marriot is actually lovely, the bar was surprisingly small but comfortable and I felt the restaurant was cramped but the quality was excellent. I certainly wouldn't complain about the rooms.

We all hung out in the bar on Monday night and metthe Bristol team who seem a tight knit group who socialise with eachother outside of work. They are generally closer to my age than those of my colleagues which made a refreshing change. Tuesday morning was when things started to go down hill. My makeup had leaked in my suitcase leaving me no clean clothes. Genius aren't I! I opened my door to pick up the morning paper and it closed behind me leaving me locked out. haha, yes I know how thick am I!? I borrowed a top from Trish (thanks) and sent my clothes to laundry. The course was ok if not a little drawn out. The subject matter didn't really need that long to cover it.

Got to know a few of the guys at the bar that evening then went to change into my own clothes (only 2 tops had come back clean the others I should think will be going in the bin). Went to Pancho Villies a mexican restaurat on Bell Street, worth a visit. The staff are friendly with a great sense of humor and patient enough to deal with all of us and the food went down well with the teams. A few of us went back to the hotel after dinner while the others went on to a club. Apparently Rupert got propositioned by a young and attractive 20 something. Vince got approached by a pimp but managed to get rid of him and they got turned away from a couple of clubs before they finally went back to the hotel.

Wednesday we finished the course by about 3pm so everyone split up and explored the city for a couple of hours before getting back to the airport. Flight was on time but we unfortunately had the same flight crew who were less than impressed to see us. Landed early and got straight into a cab.

Robert and Lauren were so pleased to see me, it's the best feeling in the world when the kids come running over and just want a hug. Gave Lauren a bath while lesley had a break then we had a cuddle an I put her to bed. When I woke up the next morning she wandered into my room without a word and just got straight on the bed for a cuddle. I don't get why some people hate kids!

Well did another day in the Brentwood office on Thursday, spoke to a few of the managers to get some feedback, had a meeting with dave to look at contact strategies and then got myself to Norwich office for about half 4.

Spoke to my level two manager who said I could apply for the managers role. I probably wont get it, my sick record isn't great and I don't work from the office every day but it's worth a shot.

Solicitors letter was here when I got back Thursday night. A summary of my medical records was attached, it was pretty grim reading. More stuff I didn't know, proof of doctors lying in the past and inaccurate medical notes. The NHS really is in crisis. Trie calling my solicitor Friday morning as requested but she isn't in until Monday so just made some notes as calmly as possible and will have to try and keep my mind off of it until then.

Anger Management

Sometimes I think I might actually burst I get so frustrated and annoyed; The words build up inside me like magma before a volcanic erruption but they can't come out in any sensible order. Tom laughed loudly when I screamed loudly, just the once, yesterday; after that I turned awy and went for a glass of water. All week we have been chasing the car insurance people to find out if the car is a write-off or not. Actually that's a lie.

All week I have chased Tom to call the insurance company because the policy is in his name and they wont speak to me. He tells me it wont make a difference to when it gets done, but then lo and behold when he speaks to them they are waiting on the garage to send the engineers report and the garage had told Tom they had already sent it. Yeah, I know, I told you so is such a crappy thing to say. Then onwards it's just one thing after another, he wont ring the GAP insurance people or whoever else we need to speak to. I know he doesn't want to because he feels uncomfortable but when it was our house that had flooded he was constantly asking me if I had chased them or made that follow up call yet. Now the shoe is on the other foot- it must be a stilleto as he looks bloody uncomfortable. Sometimes though, this constant arguing becomes more than banter and the life blood of a relationship, instead it is the venom that drags you down and we become our childlike selves once more.

When we really get arguing he giggles alot and will try and turn it into a game or sexual advance, deliberately doing things he knows will irritate me. Me I just wind tighter and tighter, I say less and less because I know I will lash out and everytime he tries to touch me I pull away. Yesterday we were on top form, the argument ended when he had me restrained on the bed my arms in a police hold behind my back, my face lodged in the quilt legs kicking and flailing around trying to find the solid mass of his body with enough force to dislodge him.

I always loose. He is faster and stronger than me. Needless to say I ache somewhat this morning and maybe there is a little resentment too. But that's what this whole blog is for. Poison needs an out, somewhere safe where it can't destroy the things that matter.

Got a delivery from Amtrak yesterday, 6 boxes with certificates in them for adventures. Ya know, like red letter day activities. I have so many of these things but they are all days out that we wouldn't like to do or wouldn't like to do together. Say's a lot of how much we have in common doesn't it!

I am booking our champagne tea for four at the Ritz for the end of August, we will take his parents with us. It's an evening thing so we are going to use some of those vouchers for the four of us to go on a lunch cruise along the Thames and then on the London Eye. Might as well make the most of it.

Ok so not that my mind is running rampant all over the place or anything but-back to the car. Haha. They wrote the car off. The car is officially dead and beyond repair. I wonder how much else in our lives would be written off it were purely decided on economic value. People would be sent to junk yards left right and centre, what a curious world.
So now we are waiting for a claim form from the GAP people (not the fashion company) and between them and our car insurance people we should get enough to buy a new car. We have to find the money to pay off the old finance but we will manage it. I just feel like we took a step forward at the begining of this month when we finished paying for the honeymoon and now we are stepping resolutely backwards at least twice.

Had a couple of weird dreams, mostly vague recollections now but a couple of nights ago I woke up terrified, the only thing i could remember was someone saying boo. I woke up to total darkness looked around for the person as well! And last night I felt terrified when I awoke but couldn't for the life of me remember why. I think it must be related to the heat. Whilst the summer hasn't been a sunny one the nights have been warm and humid making any sleep awkward to find and short lived.

Wednesday night I had a dream of being on a speedboat in the Caribbean. The weather was great but the waves were huge and crashing, we saw land and a resort which I identified as the excellence where I stayed in March (didn't actually resemble it at all from what I do remember). I walked along the coast where we landed and a storm came. The only other things I remember was that our boat was sailing along with dolphins jumping out of the water. I saw a killer wale (don't think they actually go to those waters) and then I thought I saw a huge wale but I was told it was a massive shark which was why we started for shallow waters and land as it was after us.

My dreams these days aren't recurring but the themes seem to be. If only life made sense.


Well off to Brentwood for my 1:1 on Monday, then in the afternoon we head over to Stanstead for our trip to Glasgow. We are being treated to a couple of nights in a Marriott which is far better than what I was expecting (previously having been sent to Ibis hotels). Get back to Brentwood Wednesday night so staying with the in-laws then catching a train home in the morning. Hope the house is still standing! I just know i will forget to pack something I need.

Reading-Crime and Punishment (I started it ages ago but got sidetracked with other stuff)

Watching-The last episode of Heroes this week (shame) and some trashy flick called the covenant which was teen rubbish. Saw Accepted the other week which is however worth a watch for anyone who needs a laugh.

Listening to- Paramore's second album Riot. Actually pretty catchy although the first thing Tom said was, "you bought the Avril Lavigne album then" hahaha. I don't think Avril was at Download this year!

Thought- Why the heck have Panic! at the Disco pulled back the release date of their new album to next year?? "are we, we are, the waiting" (Greenday)

57

30,000ft separates all of you from me,
we've never met but your no strangers,
i sat there every night under stars and dreamed of places you were going
the things that you were running from and knew,
from the bottom of my heart I knew,
you were staring at the same old constellation
believing in a girl like me
don't accept an imitation
I'm just 30,000ft away

One day I'll make it
with my feet on solid ground
one day i'll be there, we'll be there
less than 30,000ft away

For years I sat there blinkered to a world of darkness, I only saw the stars
watched them for years they burn so brightly, travelled so far
alone but not lonely from the bottom of my heart I knew
you were staring at the same old constellation
believing in a girl like me
don't accept the conselation
I'm just 30,000ft away

One day I'll make it
with my feet on solid ground
one day i'll be there, we'll be there
less than 30,000ft away

I'd watch the stars burn out, let velvet darkness take them
extinguished by the lights of planes, they're waiting
are you one of them, or at home hoping for a girl like me?

One day I'll make it
with my feet on solid ground
one day i'll be there, we'll be there
less than 30,000ft away

.

But we had time, time on our hands
minutes slip through fingers
before we know it it's all gone
and your screaming blue murder
caught red handed as the minutes drain away
we killed time and now we'll go the same way

So we've got time, time on our hands
minutes slip through fingers
before we know it it's all gone
down to the church organ and it's singers
singing live forever like time grows on trees
but nothing is forever and nothing is for free

we thought we had forever couldn't see past all the years
now all the things we'll never, leave us blind with tears

between the lines

sat down to write you some kind of love song
or sonnet but the words just never came out right
sat down to write you my good bye
I dropped it these words'll stay safely here inside

I'll write you one day, any day, a happy ending
I'll write you memories, the stuff you can believe in
were we ever real? I'll write you, I'll write you us.

sat down to write you a journal a page of whats inside
the book you rarely open these days so scared of what's inside
sat down to write you a post it, three words that never rang so true
my biro on the yellow, is almost green; I love you

I'll write you one day, any day, a happy ending
I'll write you memories, the stuff you can't pretend
was never real, I'll write you, I'll write you us.

So hide away the cynicism and look at me anew
this book so rarely opened is written just for you

And it's only just July

Independance day for the millions of Americans across the world yet today for me was marked by a loss of independance albeit temporary.

The day was actually going reasonably well, work wasn't too bad and I had managed to book Friday off to go into the city with Tom to choose wedding rings. About 6:15pm Tom rang, a car had just run a red light and loughed right into our car. Thankfully he was unhurt, the other driver had a gash on his forehead from headbutting the steering wheel. The main damage was to the back door area and wheel arch on the drivers side; if it had collided further forward Tom might not have the use of his legs. He was eventually towed home with a wobbly rear right wheel. Neither door on the drivers side worked, the boot wasn't working properly either and Tom was somewhat shocked by the whole experience.

What else can happen this year??

The insurance people arranged for a garage to collect the car on Friday but told us we couldn't get a courtesy car until Monday. We live in the countryside and not having a car is a disaster for Tom as it adds about an hour onto his journey to work. Thankfully when they collected the car they randomly decided to provide a courtesy car as well. The guy who collected it was really nice, we talked for a while and he thinks it might be a write off.

So Tom and I have looked at alternative cars for about the settlement figure we are expecting and now we just need to wait and see what happens.

Needless to say our trip into the city is cancelled, the money now needs to be our excess for the insurance. Tom is tired and achey, he has a bruise and nice little lump on the side of his head from the crash. It's just not our year.

For Once With Reason

The English are renowned for being obsessed with the weather and for once it seems to actually be worth watching. Over the last week there have been flash floods across the country, funnel clouds, the clearest azure skies and golden sun as well as gale force winds and thunderstorms galore. On the upside the weather men/ladies couldn't possibly get the weather wrong since it has been so varied!

It seems almost as though we have developed our own wet season or possibly, over the next few years we shall really see, a defined tornado season. The warm weather and torrential rain (would love to start spouting rubbish about low pressure and isobars but I'm not that far up my own arse just yet) have bought daily thunder storms. On Tuesday as I looked out the window marvelling at the sheer force with which the drops of water fell the gutters started to overflow and the sky mid afternoon was evening dark. The unnatural darkness wasn't constant however, lightning flashes briefly illuminated the streets highlighting the sheets of rain and bruise coloured clouds. have you ever noticed that clouds can seem almost yellowy purple during a storm? not the normal deep threatening gray.

The weather is so humid that the rows of terrace houses stood with their windows ajar like the mouths of stunned residents unaccustomed to such heavy downpours and flood alerts. Lightning snaked through the gray again and the thunder followed almost instantaneously, the sound of a mountain collapsing overhead.

The Met office has declared double the avergae rainfall for the month, in fact in some areas over triple. For the first two days of July parts of the country received more than two weeks rain. Then there are the increasingly common funnel clouds and the reports of actual tornadoes touching down, yet generally the breeze has remained mild leaving the storms to fester around our shores for longer than usual. My garden looks lush and green yet battered by the sheer force of our newest season.