Back to reality...

... Well almost. How my boss thought I could do my job with no facilities other than a phone and an empty (ish) desk is beyond me. But i sat there for a week solid waiting for phone calls and reading. I finished every book I had in the house and read a couple of them twice. I clock watched to the point where seconds dragged interminably and I spent stupid amounts of time watching the clouds go by. This was in fact the silence I had looked forward to on holiday but instead I had it in the very place I had been escaping from. Not much more to say about that week other than the weather was still erratic. Interestingly both my home laptop and my new work one arrived by courier on Friday. Had to order a new drivers disc from my ISP so I could actually use them for much though.

Monday twenty somethingth september (I have no idea of the date anymore only when it's pay day or not, do I live in a black hole in between time and places?)

late the night before it had started raining heavily and when I woke up to the alarm clock the next morning it was still coming down like a power shower on max. In the streets the drains were gurgling but everything was still ok.
The engineer (Phil) turned up at about 8:30am which was a surprise. We had to rush about tidying the bedroom so he could go through to my office. He was here until about half ten.
We talked about the heavy storm and the lightning made the lights flicker a few times. I had been checking the back garden nervously, if the place flooded it would come from that way as the paving sloped towards the house thanks to the wonderful workmanship of a building firm I hope you never encounter.
Well the drains out back seemed to be coping with the torrential rain quite well and Phil completed the programming on my new laptop. We carried the old equipment down stairs and Phil turned to me and said "You do know your dining room has flooded." I thought he was joking. Apparently not. Don't get me wrong, the floor was wet and a puddle was near the door but it wasn't like we had to swim to safety. Only when we got to the front door for him to leave we could see the extent of the flood outside. The street was a river about 2 feet deep and the only way to get to his van was via the front door. I probably shouldn't have laughed but my inapropriate sense of humour took over. He took his shoes off, rolled his socks into balls and tucked them in the shoes then placed his shoes precariously on top of the box of old kit he was taking with him. Then he rolled his trousers up to his knees and opened the door. My neighbours walked past about then; they had their trousers rolled up and were wading down the street. The car for 2 doors down was wet inside but then again sports cars are lower. He paddled across to the van dropped the first lot of stuff off and then came back for the second box. He didn't look hugely impressed.

As the next hour or so passed my dining room become further submerged and the water spread to my hall way and kitchen. By lunch time the water outside was going down and the water in my house was still there. It wasn't until late Tuesday night that someone came with dehumidifiers and fans. I was so relieved when they took up the squelching carpets and vynl. The smell had been something like you would expect in a swamp (or so I would imagine having only limited experience of swamps).

Anyways to cut this long rambling story short... Insurance people have been round, we have to have new flooring throughout, replastering and a new kitchen. Apparently when they eventually start work the mess might be so bad the house will be uninhabitable. I think it's the first time I was actually grateful I had insurance. They said they will put us up in a hotel if it gets too bad but that we may have trouble finding one as its going to be busy with the hundreds of homes flooded. Not sure when they will do the work or how long it will take but the builders are coming on Monday to take a look and give our insurers the cost to replace everything. I sent over a list of items ruined by the flood including my lovely leather sofa (so comfortable its probably better to sleep on than my bed and if I were you I would rather sleep on it than share with me) and my dining table which i only got last year. Pretty much everything down stairs is being replaced except my bathroom. It's strangely comforting to hear the dehumidifiers humming all night but the fans are driving me nuts (if it's not too late for that) they are so loud and they kick up so much dust I keep sneezing; on the upside if it's still like this at xmas I shall be all set to be a rudolph lookie likie.

See ya later.

Week 2

Well in truth I guess this starts from Thursday of week one but the break makes sense in my mind.

By this point I was on "cold turkey", I hadn't checked an email, sent a text, updated my blog or spoken to friends or colleagues via msn or phone for nearly a week and I was beginning to crack up. I don't smoke, drink or take drugs. But my addiction is people. The mindless chatter you have to customers and friends alike. The Banter with your mate from another department, watching strangers go about their lives, children grasping at their mothers hands for fear of being lost I the sea of people at some shopping center. Ironic since I normally hide myself away.

Thursday we packed up and got back on the motor way. In under four hours and without managing to get lost we got to my parents house. They were glad to see us and I was relieved to see them deep down. I must admit I have worried about her since I last saw them, she doesn't let on as to how well she is really doing (not even when I was there) but at least I was there if she needed to talk. The dogs were seriously hyped. I love animals (obviously) and although getting jumped all over by some hairy four legged beings isn't everyone's cup of tea the loyalty, admiration and pure unadulterated love a dog shows is unbeatable. If only people were as genuine.

Friday we went to Alton Towers, it wasn't a bad day, the weather was fairly warm but fresh, it wasn't too crowded so we hardly queued for the rides. The water rides were a big mistake though. I should have had more common sense, we went on the log ride and I got so wet my trousers went see through (not a pretty sight as I'm sure you will agree). It took ages to get dry and I was hiding under my jacket trying to avoid any funny looks from passers by. Tom of course thought it was hilarious and I think this is karma paying me back for laughing at him earlier on the break. Not that I believe in luck or karma and all that. But you never know right!
For the earlier part of the holiday my health had been great, no morning sickness and headaches, but that night I was ill and spent quite some time keeping Tom awake as I went to and from the shower/toilet blocks to be sick. Let's face it, if you're going to be ill you really want to do it in the privacy of your own home, not a hotel room and most definitely not in a tent with no toilet. Probably the hardest night we had and certainly the longest.

We went to the potteries in Stoke for a day out on Saturday and Tom decided that the extra bonus I earned would buy a load of stuff we could resell for profit back in Norfolk. Bearing in mind I complain that he has no ambition in life I didn't see it as my place to stop him. He spent quite a lot, well more than I thought we should but he justified it and seemed to have a reasonable plan of action including proposed profit margins. Off the record I was quite impressed but I didn't tell you that. The rest of the stay we spent with my folks just hanging out and catching up. Nice but can't spend too long with them without thinking of the dueling banjos! Hahaha maybe I'm a hill billy in disguise!?

Went home on Tuesday, which took about 5 hours. Didn't do much with the rest of the week, as we had spent most of the money for the month. When it came down to it you shall be surprised (har har) to hear that Tom decided we wouldn't make any money of the stuff we had bought. I think I almost snapped when he said we couldn't sell it. We tried a few items but didn't make much money and now the rest is going on eBay. I swear next time I have the gut instinct to stop him I will. We can't afford mistakes like that!

Tom went back to work on the Saturday and I went back on the Monday, still no work or personal laptop!

Holiday Week One

So the computer guy on the help desk really lived up to his name. He got me to back up all my files (I have so many that I think calling it organised chaos would be a stretch). He then got me to restore my laptop to factory settings. Idiot. When that didn't work he wanted to email me the details of their courier so I could send my laptop back. I'm guessing he forgot that I had just wiped the drivers for my modem and couldn't reinstall them as I have no dvd drive (the whole point of the call). Got there in the end though.

So Sunday was all about keeping the peace between Tom and my most favouritest nan in law (my arse). I cleaned up her house a bit while they had some tea and she gave her opinions on various aspects of life-it's worth noting that this is about the only thing she does strenuously these days.

Monday we got up fairly early got in the car and went for it. Remind me to avoid holidays in future. By the time we hit Thetford we had already had an argument and it takes under an hour to get there. I think it was a pointless argument too as I can't remember the content. Ah well I try to start as I mean to go on. About 5 hours later and only a couple of wrong turns we were in Wiltshire not far from Trowbridge. It's a really lovely part of the country with rolling hills and picturesque villages, the weather was warm and dry with the sun beaming through the clouds intermittently. We managed to get all the way to the end of the lane where the camp site was before we had a slight hitch. Tom tried to reverse having just missed the turning the trailer hit the curb and then hit the back of the car. We have like a small gash about the size of a fist in the back bumper and I couldn't stop giggling inanely which only irritated him further. Half the time I think I laugh out of nervousness rather than actually finding things funny, or at least I hope that's what it is see it's either that or I have a pretty shitty sense of humour. To vote please send your comments to.... kidding I don't actually want to know what you think cos I have a fair idea already.

Anyways the trip to Wiltshire was great, it rained once for a couple of hours but other than that it was unseasonably warm and dry. Longleat safari park wasn't as good as I had hoped but these days we tend to hype things to the point where no matter how good they are we are left with a ingrained sense of disappointment. The monkeys were pretty darn cute though, they crimbed freely over the car while I sat in awe at how dexterous and intelligent they seemed. Tom on the other hand was grumbling loudly next to me trying to move the car forward. Some people are never happy are they!

The nights there were perfect. I love my mod cons and who doesn't right, but sitting outside on a warm autumns evening complete silence and a reasonable book was just what my heart and mind needed. I would have loved a pen and paper to describe the scene as the light started to fade and at the far end of the field all that was visible was the silhouettes of fruit trees still laden with apples and plums. The only disturbance should have been the sound of the pigs snuffling up at the far end of the field or the odd bleet from the two sheep just yards away (should that be in metric now? My mind doesn't want to follow rules like metric or imperial or even 9-5 for work). Other than the animals there was tom. "Rachel, how come...?" "why does...?" I think he was bored, he has no patience for books or much of anything come to think of it. If someone really did get a round bum and not be able to sit still it would be him. It's comical mostly but I was enjoying the peace. I know it's mean to moan but there are times when I would be glad to be alone, if he showed an interest in things for more than a fleeting moment I wouldn't mind but halfway through an answer or explanation he is asking his next question or making a new observation.

You can't hear the traffic at night when your away and it's funny how much I missed it, counting the cars to focus just wasn't something I could do. Tom wasn't snoring and for once all was genuinely quiet. I must have laid there for hours trying to shut off. It's funny you can take a break from work physically but it never leaves your mind. Inside I was compiling mental to-o lists, working out run rates for new revenue to hit targets, calculating the number of long term agreements and so on. I do try and think of other stuff. Sometimes songs run around in my mind, random lyrics or notes that repeat till my mind hurts. Worries and unfounded anxieties. Is everyone like this inside? Does everyone else just not mention it like its taboo?

Here's time for a death bed confession
but thats a natural progression for us
blinded by our fear of the truth
left behind our misguided youth
come walk down memory lane with me
lets get lost in this city-regret, remorse, pity
are just suburbs in this town called perplexity

I'm going to go crazy (if not already) 2 weeks with nothing to write on, I'm almost tempted to bring the laptop but it's bound to get broken or stolen.

So today begins September. I love the Autumn almost as much as Winter, the colours as the leaves dry out in shades of auburn and burnt gold. Autumn is romantic in my mind, it's a time when you get closer to that person you love to keep warm cos you didn't realise how cold it would be outside. A time when you stand under the stars watching fireworks, feeling as though you are the only two in the world when just yards away another family is sitting under the same stars as you.

I'm looking forward to seeing the night sky without the aid of streetlights when I go away. It makes me dizzy to stand and stare at all those tiny lights where someone somehwere just might be staring straight back. It puts things in perspective; we aren't as big and important as we make out, in the scheme of things we are just another grain of sand in the top half of the hour glass. One of a billion planets orbiting a thousand stars.

It's strange to think that the light from a star that died thousands of years ago still lightens our night sky now. In a way it's a reminder that our actions live on, people don't just remember the now, they have a habit of remembering the past too and so our blunders and wonders shine equally as brightly when people think of us.

I have spent today imagining how things could be if I didn't come back at the end of this holiday. What if we didn't turn the car around to come home? We could leave behind the bills and the mundane but do you leave behind the memories? They are the baggage we take wherever we go, running away seems idyllic but futile. Being free means letting go. Accepting our mistakes and hopefully learning from them. So how do you solve a problem where the problem is you? I feel as though I am permanently in the wrong place at the wrong time, why is that?

In the early hours of this morning I lay watching the rain spot the windows slowly getting heavier like a stampede of tiny feet approaching, marching out of time. I love the rain, that fresh smell afterwards where you know everything is clean; like the world has just stepped from the shower all shiny and new free from sin to begin again. I wonder why they are considered the small hours when we don't call the evening the big hours?! Stupid thoughts like that run in circles around my mind tripping eachother over in show of poor sportsmanship. Just like the words that trip and stumble mindlessly from my mouth as I struggle to make sense of my consciousness and fumble for something meaningful in my thoughtless banter. Why must I always let slip without thinking?

Well almost everything is set for the holiday now. Tom has one more day of work, and we have to take the parrot to the parrot hotel but that's about it. Getting in the car and leaving this town behind under the raincloud that has moved in of late seems unbelievably attractive. I keep wanting to go home though, that's my biggest problem I think. I still can't accept this house, or town as my home, somewhere in me I know I belong elsewhere. Back in Essex where I feel safe, where my friends are and I know the streets and the sounds like the back of my hand. Maybe we should have booked a holiday there instead!? I joke, well mostly.

That old guy rang the house again earlier. He rings and always asks if I'm Janet, whoever she is. Everytime I explain that I'm not he acknowledges what I said then proceeds to call me Janet and explain that she left something or he needs her to do somehting or he owes her money. I'm sorry I understand that he is old and hard of hearing and most likely senile but I lost my patience and hung up on him today. I have more productive conversations with the cat and he isn't the most talkative individual.