Inverted

So we sent out the wedding invites and people have slowly started to respond. When asked what we were doing in regards to a wedding list we said we will just suggest a few charities and people can doante whatever they can afford. You might laugh but it came as somewhat of a surprise when people actually refused to donate to charity and said thwy would rather just give us cash!?

Maybe I am more naive than I give myself credit for but out of the first 5 people we spoke to about it 3 refused to donate to chairty. In the news they are talking about voter apathy with the nearing elections, and then there is the new Live Earth concert event. On the face of it everyone wants to do something to help others, we all have nobel ideas about the sort of people we are yet when given the option to do something that would genuinely make a difference to someones life people I know chose not to.

I am disappointed to be honest. I thought they were better than that; maybe that has come out wrong but I guess what i am trying to say is, "why buy me yet another toaster when you could give a child and education or medication and make someone's life better?" Honestly, I can only assume we like to give to our own, whether it be a friend or family member people don't get a thankyou from some child in Darfur, or the continuation of oragutans in the wild.

My apologies to the people who will give to charity in honor of my wedding. I appreciate the gesture as it is meant with the best of intentions.

Speaking of intentions, we went to the registry office yesterday to give our notice of intention to marry. Quite an odd and archiac process. Why is my fathers occupation required? He wont even be coming to the wedding seeing as my mother at the prepubescent age of 50 is sulking whilst giving me the silent treatment.

The room we actually get married in is smaller than we had imagined. We have yet to decide on readings and music for the wedding itself so any ideas will be greatfully received.
It appears that getting married is actually pretty unromantic, whilst we aren't getting married for the romance of it all I can't see why anyone who has done it once and then failed would want to go through it all again with spouse number two!

Tom had a few days off last weekend so I booked friday off to have some quality time. We managed to arrange the wedding decorations and flowers which is yet another thing off of my to do list. The weather was beautiful throught the weekend; cotton clouds on an azure sky and unseasonably warm, we took a walk on the broads amongst the swans (they are about waist high on me and I'm not that short) and then took a trip to a garden centre.

Not sure how we end up doing it but everytime we are off together we buy more plants for the garden even though there is no more room left for them. This weekend we bought 4 new fruit trees. They stand 2m or slightly more tall each, blossoms in candyfloss pink and white. We also picked up some new smaller shrubs and a few strawberry plants. I don't like strawberries but I love the smell so hopefully they will prosper in the garden.

Got my blood test results in the post Tuesday. The letter said that my hormones are within normal limits for premenopause and to call them to confirm I wasn't on the HRT within 8 weeks of the test. Idiots. I swear they waste time and resource. I stopped taking the HRT as soon as they confirmed I could around the 23rd feb, so it hadn't been 8 weeks when they had arranged for the test to be taken even. Anyway the receptionist said she would call me back. The consultant called me herself which was a surprise. The conversation was strained and I was somewhat terse but tried to be polite.
She said that my results indicated that there "MIGHT BE some functioning ovarian tissue somewhere". to which i replied that the results were pretty much as expected seeing as I had a radiology report showing a functioning ovary. She didn't ask for a copy of the report; her only response was that she was surprised as she hadn't been able to find the ovary during surgery. Ok. So I probably wasn't helping myself when I sharply explained where the ovary could be located in medical terms. To this she reponded by telling me that it must be small then. Now at this point I know I was annoyed and should have bitten my tongue but like a bull to a matador I couldn't hold back. I told her in no uncertain terms that the MRI scan showed a 4cm diameter ovary on the left which "to my understanding" is the average size for an ovary and that it had also showed a 3cm diameter dominant follicle which proved it was working.
Dr P laughed lightly and said oh well. (Lucky this wasn't a face to face appointment or she would be requiring reconstructive surgery by now). When asked how I was getting on and feeling now off the HRT I explained how much better I was feeling and the different symptoms I had experienced on the treatment which had abruptly stopped within days of cessation. I explained that at the time I had accepted the symptoms as signs of the menopause (which she had told me had been surgically induced) but that I now understood that they were actually symptoms of oestrogen dominance.

Credit where credit is due, Dr P hardly skipped a beat in responding, the silence was only momentary. She tells me that she wasn't giving me that much oestrogen to cause a response but did admit that they were indeed symptoms of oestrogen dominance (overdose). The call ended pretty quickly after that. I was told to go for another blood test in 6 months to check everything was still fine.
If I hadn't of been so angry I would have asked her why no progesterone was prescribed as unopposed oestrogen is rarely recommended for HRT these days and that seeing as you only need 150mg of osetrogen a day an extra 50mg is actually quite a big rise. This and the fact that you need four times as much progesterone as you do oestrogen to maintain a healthy balance.

But I digress. Ironically this week I had no counselling session but it was a week when i could really have done with it. I feel so angry sometimes but have no way of dealing with it. Others, all I want is to cry. I feel let down and abandonned by a system that failed in it's duty of care on numerous occaisions.

Blood test request for 6 months time arrived yesterday. So that was another day spent with a wandering mind. I am driven to distraction by thoughts that can lead nowhere good and all by the mere mention of two specific hospitals.

It's beautiful outside again today although the breeze is somewhat fresh. Sat outside earlier and watched a small bird go into our new bird box. Tom will be so pleased, he has been watching that box since we got it and is getting frustrated that no one seems to be using it!

When we were out shopping for a new suit for him last weekend we walked past a lot of different people and he randomly asked if we could, "have that one. That one is happy and polite." he was talking about a child. No mention of children from me so he must be thinking about it himself alot these days. I wish things were simpler. That I could start a family with him just in the normal natural way other people do. Mind you I have never gone the easy way about doing anything so why would this be any different?


Thought- What song do you chose for your first dance when you don't have a "special" song as a couple?

.

Obviously I have been very busy at work this week....


Note to self, when burying the past remember the skeletons are in your closet
Note to self, killing a joke is fine but kill a conversation and you’ll do time
get sent to Coventry and you’ll never be free.

Note to self, when building a reputation use solid ground
Note to self, when making a name remember they are fragile
get a grip and you’re less likely to slip

Note to self, keep your friends close and enemies closer,
It will save them a trip when they stab you in the back.
Note to self, remember that those around you never forget
The mistakes we make are immortal

Note to self, only the good die young so sin
And note to self, read your notes!

***************************************************************************


I sit home alone, only me for company
My distorted reflection, defection, I see
Confessions to a receiver
Couldn’t get much easier than this
A free phone number turns out I’m dumber than I thought I would be


My confession in this session totals, “mmm.” and, “erm.”
To describe it, a sob, the most accurate term
As the words fail I grow far from pale
Unable to articulate I feel frustrated
So I turn to the pen that I’ve learned

Once spoken it’s to late to edit
Immortality in the word and deed
The moment is over, like a lover to treasure
We only want what has gone and never know what we need

I could write reams on the dreams that chase me
down alleyways on the darkest nights and the blackest corridors of my mind
But in the end it’s my voice that forsakes me
Trembling like knees in a haunted house, unable to find order or form
They remain a genie in a bottle yearning to be free


*************************************************************************


some give presents maybe a compliment,
you deliver punchlines with bruises,
so proud you forget bylines use the headlines to declare your victory

who needs enemies when they have friends like you?
we all have enemies but what can they do?
who needs enemies when they have friends like you?

up to date

Finally I think I am almost up to date on the ramblings of my life.

The week went pretty quickly, work was dull and slow but outside of the paid time things moved apace. Both birth certificates are back so now need to book an appointment to hand them and other bits over to secure our wedding date. 5th feb 2008 12:00.
Booked the wedding reception venue last night, it seems quite nice and very good value, I guess we shall ahve to wait and see how many peole get food poisoning! As it turns out we were choosing the menu when one of our neighbours walked over to say hi, he is the chef there!? small world. Need to sort a cake out, table decorations, bouquet and buttonaire, evening dress, toms suit, wedding rings and a couple of other bits. We have now done all of the invitations and I had some severe cramp from all of that. Never again!
Oh need to find someone to give me away. Was going to ask toms step dad as my parents probably wont come but tom wants him as a best man apparently. Might ask Toms dad or steve but still trying to figure out who wont be offended.

Need reminding why we didnt just pay the extra costs and get married abroad! We have agreed to ask everyone to donate money to charity instead of buying us presents. Should make a difference to some peoples lives like that when you add up all the guests. The devil is in the detail so all good boys and girls keep it vague.

The easter weekend

This year easter started early. Thursday to be precise. I took the day off to go for some blood tests and spend the day with Tom as he was going to have to work all weekend. Blood tests took ages, it's like queuing at the deli counter in a supermarket. You take a ticket with a number then sit down until you are called. Maybe, given that you come away with less blood than you started wit it would be more comparable to lambs to the slaughter. Totally paranoid really, but I was expecting something to go wrong. Either my vein would collapse and they would have trouble finding a new one, or they would miraculously sever an artery. Get a grip.

We went to book our wedding after that. February was the planned month but when we sat there and tried to book it all these extra fees kept cropping up. In the end we agreed the holiday would be a honeymoon only and we would get married here in the UK.

Over the weekend I ordered new birth certificates for us both, provisionally booked the registry office and we went to the beach.

On the Tuesday I went for my first counselling session. The counsellor was based in Norwich and had a strong French accent. She seemed very nice and whilst I had to concentrate to understand her at points it wasn't overly difficult. I spent about an hour and a quarter there, most of which was crying. I had intended on staying calm and not getting upset, just to talk things through as crying solves nothing but within seconds of opening my mouth to explain why I was there my cheeks were streaked with tears and I was reaching for a kleenex.

Apparently I am lost and don't know where to turn, I live in a small isolated world. Those two statements alone seem contradtictory, if I live in such a small world how can i possibly get lost in it?? On the upside she said I was very brave and seemed strong and she didn't try and prescribe me with anti depressants. Have another session Wednesday.

anyway

Started work for the first time this year on 16th March. Felt like joining a completely new company. In fact the first day i went into the office (a week or so later) people gave me funny looks cos mostly the staff turnover meant I hadn't met any of them before. One guy spent three days smiling at me intently then came over on Friday 30th and sai, "Hi I'm... you must be new here." to which I smiled, bit my tongue to avoid being rude and said "actually I've worked here a while I just normally work from home." Bless, I didn't have the heart to say I'd been here for four years. That week, we went for a pub quiz after work on the Tuesday-we came second. On the Wednesay we went to Flatline which wasn't bad and I got to catch up with my mate Rob who I don't get to see a whole lot. Nights like that make you realise how much you miss your mates and how isolated I have become of late.

Thursday Jo and I went to Wembley to see My Chemical Romance. Superb. They have such energy and a whole bundle of talent. We had to sit as I wasn't well enough to stand for the show but from up in the seated area it was like watching a condutor leading his twisted orchestra and the crowd were like puppets. Even without all the gimmicks (flames, confetti, a hospital gurney etc) the show would have been phenomenal. The second part of the show with tracks off of 3 cheers proved just that. Charged with electricity the songs went off like a bang and the crowd remained enthralled. Never seen so many people singing the same words at the same time and with such enthusiasm.

Friday, tired but pretty chilled I went for the team kick off event. The day started ok to be honest but then someone came over and asked the girl I was talking to if they could see her ultrasound picture and I kinda fell apart. I felt really terrible that I had stolen that moment from her but I did manage to get as far as the toilets before blubbering. Took me half an hour to pull myself together, I could have really done with a mental/physical slap. I got back into the conference room and my pregnant friend starts trying to apologise which was really unnecessary and very sweet but it made me start up all over again. Funny once you have cried it's so easy to start again you just can't seem to hold it back. So basically I spent the afternoon with red eyes and various colleagues asking me if I was ok.

Glad to get home after all of that!

finally

After months of anticipation our holiday finally arrived. 21 hours door to door to get there but worth it.

The plane left gatwick on time and flew upto manchester to collect extra passengers. From there we went down hill. No, I don't mean south. We landed for what should have been 40 minutes but two hours later we were only just ready to leave. I wont go into details but it was extremely boring and frustrating. The rest of the flight was uneventful. Not the most comfortable seats and I would recommend upgrading from economy to anyone flying long haul.
At Punta Cana airport we got a taxi to the hotel. this took approx 50 minutes in a car with no speedometer driving like a maniac, trying to knock cyclists off their bikes whilst avoiding potholes in the road. It was actually more exhilirating than scary for me but Tom's knuckles were white from gripping the door.

The hotel was beautiful. The staff were friendly, and the room was wonderful. Best holiday I have ever been on. The food was fantastic, everyone was warm and helpful and there was as much to do or as little as you wanted. The only downside were the mosquitos in the evening.
We went wale watching. We had been told this would be a 2-3 hour coach trip to samana bay, however it turned out to be 5 hours each way. The scenery was beautiful, we crossed the mountains and saw all the plantations and the guide explained in various languages about the history, culture and geography of the country.
The humpback wales come to samana bay every year to mate and give birth. We went out on a relatively small boat and within minutes we were watching wales flip their tails and come up for air. I was in awe. The only way it could have been better was if we had been in a smaller boat with fewer people to obstruct your view but it will be a memory we have forever.

We can't wait to go back to the resort next year. It was a shame to go home and leave behind the luxory, being waited on hand and foot is something you get surprisingly used to and that's coming from a girl that likes to do everything for herself. Anyway we had to go back to the real world at some point.

The journey back was shorter as we didn't go via manchester. There 30 inches between the seats in economy and I had someones knees in my back throughout the flight. The seats don't recline at all really and they don't turn the lights down until the early hours of the morning when they are bored of trying to sell duty free. I really would recommend upgrading your seats especially with my travel airways. Baggage claim took an hour to find our bags and then we had to run to catch the flyer but we just caught it pulling out of the coach bay.

from toms parents house we drove the 3 hours back to norfolk to collect the cats from the cattery then home.

We bought some lovely artwork out there and got a load of rum for different people. We even picked up some cigars. Next time we shall know some spanish to help us negotiate as we think that some traders were driving very hard bargains. We shall go to manitee park when we go again, they have dolphins and such like there. also planning on going on the james bond excursion as you get to swim with sharks and manta rays.

Trying to make the most of life might book to go to borneo in a year or so to see the orangutans considering making it a twin centered trip with a week in sri lanka to go to the elephant orphanages. Yeah, I know, i have a thing about animals but people are always causing their own problems; animals don't.

so long and good night

Right so last time I wrote was 10th Feb. Well my life has changed somewhat since then. Not like I'm a millionaire or anything but that things are different. Gonna write a series of blogs to try and catch up.

13th Feb I had my 6 week check up at the hospital (feels like a lifetime ago already). They were running about an hour late so I think I was probably in a bad mood before I even got to see anyone. When I got into the room there was a med student, a nurse and a totally different (male) gynae consultant. Just what I was hoping for, honest. Right so I am determined not to cry and to stay completely calm so I take a deep breath mentally note that I need to give them a chance and sit down. Ok so I was wrong, giving them a chance was a waste of time and totally setting myself up for a fall. On the upside i managed my other two objectives.

He didn't know what operation I had; had never heard of my condition (it's a gynae condition and he is a gynae consultant are my expectations too high?) he said the HRT was permanent and asked how it was going so I explained I was still getting permanent sweats, always tired and a load of other unpleasant symptoms. Anyways to save ranting it was unhelpful, I even mentioned again that I had thought I had another ovary and he told me that when I have managed to locate a copy of the MRI scan results from six years ago could I send them onto his department!
Apparently I work for the NHS.

About a week later I finally got the radiology report through showing the results of my MRI. I am not gloating but I do feel I need to say this: I WAS RIGHT. ok now thats better. The MRI scan clearly showed 2 ovaries (one since removed) both 4cm in diameter (average size) and both with a large dominant follicle (they are working). Oddly enough when they did the surgery they couldn't seem to locate the left one but it is definitely there. I can now even give them directions on where it is!

So after crying from relief and ringing Tom to tell him I rang the hospital. they advised I could stop the HRT but would need a blood test to check that my remaining ovary was indeed functioning. I got no apology or explanation as to why they hadn't checked and why they hadn't bothered to listen to me.

Got the blood test referral form through a couple of days later, the form says that the reason for the test is "query small left ovary". At this point it is worth mentioning that they haven't seen the radiology report, haven't asked to see it and have no idea if it is undersized or not. It isn't of course undersized and they appear to be trying to prove their previous actions correctly.

It was like being on a rollercoaster. I felt like I should be happy but I was just so surprised, relieved and angry at all of this that I couldn't seem to snap out of it.

Research on the internet says that taking HRT (for some reason I was only prescribed oestrogen rather than a progesterone and oestrogen mix which is normally recommended) whilst still having a functioning ovary would cause a hormone imbalance. Specifically oestrogen dominance. The effects of this include: sweats, weight gain, poor sleep, lethargy etc. It can also cause ovarian cysts, lupus endometreosis and cancer. The incidence of breast cancer is 200% greater in people with oestrogen dominance.

A big round of applause and a heartfelt thankyou to the NHS for putting me through 2 months of symptoms and for the fact that I would have been left on this medication unchecked until I developed one of those diseases at some point in the 30 or so years I would have been taking it.

I shall calm down now.