Wednesday Nights Dream Interpreted

Haunted House
To dream of a haunted house, signifies unfinished emotional business, related to your childhood family, dead relatives, or repressed memories and feelings.

House
To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking.

Haunted
To dream that you are being haunted, indicates early unpleasant traumas and repressed feelings/memories. You are experiencing some fear or guilt about your past activities and thoughts.

Ghost
In general, ghosts symbolizes aspects of yourself that you fear. This may involve a painful memory, guilt, or some repressed thoughts. You may be afraid of death and dying. Alternatively, ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates a feeling of disconnection from life and society. This dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior.

Danger
To dream that you are in danger and are wounded or killed, signifies substantial losses in business and discouraging prospects in love. You need to be more cautious in some aspect of your life.
To dream that you escape from danger, signifies that you will rise to a place of high position and honor in your business and social circle.

Fear
To dream that you feel fear, signifies that you achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are having anxieties in certain circumstances of your life.

Scared
To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

Boyfriend
To see your boyfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with him and how you feel about him.

Rescue
To dream that you are being rescued or rescue others, represents an aspect of yourself that has been neglected or ignored. You are trying to find a way to express this neglected part of yourself.

Malice
To dream that others have malice towards you, denotes a false friend who is working on harming you.

Countryside
To dream of the countryside, suggests that you are seeking a simpler way of life. You need to take some time for yourself to relax and free your mind. Alternatively, it indicates a sense of freedom and/or openness that is lacking in your daily life.

Field
To see green fields in your dream, symbolizes great abundance, freedom, and happiness. You may also be going through a period of personal growth. Alternatively, this dream may simply be an expression for your love of nature.`

Hedge
To see hedges in your dream, symbolizes restrictions and obstacles that are inhibiting your progress.

Lost
To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Road
To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. To see a winding and bumpy road in your dream, signifies that will find many obstacles and setbacks toward your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. To see an unknown road in your dream, signifies that you new project will cause more grief than it is worth and a waste of time.

Car
To dream that you are driving a car, denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. Whether you are driving the car or a passenger, is indicative of of your active role or passive role in your life. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life. To see a parked car in your dream, suggests that you need to turn your efforts and energies elsewhere. You may be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life.

Black
Black symbolizes the unknown, unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, death, mourning, hate or malice.

Summer
To dream about summer, represents growth, knowledge and maturity. You are showing tolerance and expanding your realm of understanding .

Sky
To look up at the clear blue sky in your dream, denotes peace and freedom of expression.

Calm
To dream that you are calm, denotes a fulfilling life. You will find contentment and satisfaction in what you have.

Job
To dream that you are looking for a job, suggests that you are unfulfilled and feeling frustrated in your current phase of your life.


Annoy
To feel annoyed in your dream, signifies that rivals are at work against you.

Telephone
To see or hear a telephone in your dream, signifies a message from your unconscious or some sort of telepathic communication. You may be forced to confront issues which you have tried to avoid. Alternatively, the telephone represents your communication and relationship with others.

Cell Phone
To see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility.

A Week in the World of Moi

Monday
Decided it was about time I did some proper revision, so having got a fail on the practice questions I sat down for all of half an hour and took some notes from the course text. This seemed like the right thing to do but when you are trying to work at the same time it isn't easy. Oh and the whole thing is really quite dull.

Tuesday
left for Romford at lunch time, train from Norwich broke down whilst still at the station. That is the second time within a month that has happened to me. Spent half an hour taking more notes before giving into the urge to switched my iPod on. At Colchester this guy got on the now crowded train that looked familiar but I wasn't entirely sure; I'm fairly certain he must have thought I was psychotic as I kept glancing at him. When the train pulled into Shenfield I got up to leave and he followed, this pretty much added weight to my conviction that he must be someone I work with. So like the reprobate I am I turned to the guy and said, "Do you work for BT?" Thankfully he said yes, otherwise I'm not sure what I would have said. Turns out he had kinda recognised me too but hadn't been sure enough to say anything. So for the train between Shenfield and Romford I had a little company.

Picked up some sweets for the kids on the way to the house; they were pretty pleased to see me. It's heart warming in a saccharin sweet kind of way probably but I always think how I would love to swap everything I own to have two kids as loving as these, with all their faults they are still great. The kids went dance class then Robert played on his laptop while Lauren and I played a few games. Bathtime was over before they had even sat down in the tub!

I tucked Lauren in and sat with her until she fell alseep, it was sad really it all just reminded me of how much time has passed. It feels like only a few months ago that I was tucking Robert in and telling him a story whilst he had his bottle of milk. Now he is 10 and has a sister older than he was at that time.

Surprise surprise, by the time I went to bed I still had done no more revision despite having had ample opportunity. At this point I was aware I was going to fail but at least I had no illusions.

Wednesady
Woke up having had a werid dream that I failed to remember for very long, said goodbye to the kids, thanked Lesley for letting me stay and watched the news about all the flooding for a while. Makes yo greatful for what you have when you see vans upto their rooves in water, people chest deep wading down the road.

I arrived at the test centre an hour early somehow but they didn't seem to mind. They registered me, explained how it all worked then set me up on one of their desktops for the exam. 74 questions with a 75 minute time limit, the pass mark 82.5%. I clicked the start button read the first question which was quite simple and carried on fro there. I finished the exam and realised I had just over an hour left. It occurred to me then that I couldn't go back over the questions I had answered and that they probably hadn't been as easy as I previously thought. Too late now. The nex screen came up.... Congratulations! My exact thought was "hang on? what the..?" I have absolute faith in my abilities obviously!

I collected my certificate and then managed to catch the 11:00am train for Norwich. Seeing as I was supposed to start the exam at 11:00am I was having a pretty good day. I arrived in norwich at 1:00pm, went into town bought a new dress, some Thornton's chocolates for Tom, dropped into the recruitment agency with my passport then caught a bus out to Allied.

Thursday
back to work, was quite busy really. I awoke in the morning to a strange dream. Tom and had been living in a haunted house the ghost was a dark haired girl who wasn't angry at Tom but would haunt me. She got more and more agressive and one day she tried to kill me but Tom saved me and we had to move away. We got lost when we left in our big black 4x4, we were driving through fields and the road would twist and turn back on itself. Eventually we found somewhere to stop. Some of my colleagues were there, the weather was lovely and people were just milling about. I over heard a conversation where one of the field specialists had just been offered a job at the place i had been interviewed and I started ot get annoyed that they hadn't even told me they didn't want me, then this other guy was saying that he had applied there too but no one had come back to him so we rang them but then I woke up.

yeah I know, I am strange, but what is normal these days?

Friday
Conference call in the morning. Boring stuff about hosting email services. How great is my job!? for lunch we went into town, paid the last installment off of our honeymoon (absolutely fantastic moment) then picked up some food shopping before we are forced to live off takeaway. hard life. Spent the afternoon chasing for IP addresses for a client, drawing them up an amended contract and then resissuing the order. At least it was done before the weekend. Spent the evening in front of the TV (to make a change) Tom did dinner though and really made an effort to look after me. He can be really sweet when he wants to be.
Don't laugh too much but I got a brain age of 20 on brain training on our new DS lite. haha not hat I'm pleased or anything. When I first tried it I wa ssomething like 60's so I have come along way but I think it's less brain age and more practice at certain tasks.


One last thought. If you are completely average in every way inc height, weight, eye colour age, IQ etc does it really make you average or are you actually very different? Afterall the average is an area the most individuals mediate around but not conform to exactly.

The Hardest Part Is Letting Go Of Your Dreams

In one sense yes. In the sense of letting go of the subconscious ones it seems to me to be far too easy and involuntary.

My first dream last night was extremely vivid and emotional, I awoke minutes before the alarm clock feeling so warm and fuzzy only to realise it was all just wishful dreaming.

As the day has progressed the dream has become faded at the edges, a vignette of the night before but the emotions attached are still here. In my dream I was getting ready to get married and as the day got closer I had a pain in my lower left abdomen, I went to the hospital afraid it was a cyst but they told me I was pregnant. I knew it was impossible and they said they couldn’t understand it either but that I definitely was. Then all of a sudden the wedding day has arrived and we have gotten married; before we can get inside the hotel for the reception I get these pains and I know the baby is due, Tom is less than impressed at my timing but we head to the hospital. At the hospital they tell me I can’t be pregnant even though months before they had said I was, at first they can’t find a heart beat with the stethoscope, only mine, but after a while they tell me they have found it afterall. I remember thinking it just sounded like one very quick heartbeat rather than two separate ones. We were both so excited and they were setting up the ultrasound when I woke up. My feeling upon waking turned without a thought or moments notice into a calm sense of sadness but I hadn’t even really woken so deep down I must have known, even asleep that it couldn’t possibly be real.

Maybe this is all just a sign that I am placing too much hope on one date/thing changing my future? Will download some dream definitions.

Wedding
To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life.? Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death.? Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence.?
To dream that you are getting married to your current spouse again, represents your wedded bliss and happiness. It highlights your strong commitment to each other. It may also signify a new phase (such as parenthood) that you are entering in your life.?
To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side.
If you are getting married and have dreams of your pending wedding, then it highlights the stress of organizing a wedding. Conflicts over wedding details, tension with family and in-laws, fear of commitment, and loss of independence may all cause wedding anxiety dreams. Research has shown that up to 40% of brides and grooms have dreams about their ceremony and things going perfectly.

Reception
To dream that you are attending a reception, signifies many pleasant engagements and social gatherings.

Hotel
To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. Or you feel the need to temporarily escape from your daily life.

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.? This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Doctor
To dream that you are seeing the doctor, denotes discouraging illness and strife amongst members of your family. It may signal your need for emotional and spiritual healing.

Hospital
To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.

Late
To dream that you are late, denotes your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. You feel time is running out and that you do not have time to accomplish all the things you want.

Labor
If you are a woman and dream that you are in labor, indicates your desire to be pregnant and to start a family.

Miracle
To see a miracle in your dream, suggests that you are goal-oriented and plan for the future.? You have a lot of confidence in our accomplishments.

Pain
To dream that you are in pain, signifies that you are being too hard on yourself with regards to a situation that was out of your control. It may also be a true reflection of real pain that exists somewhere in your body. Dreams can reveal and warn about health problems.

Pulse
To feel your pulse in your dream, symbolizes some sort of anxiety in your waking life.

Partner
To see a partner in your dream, suggests that you need to seek the help of others in order to accomplish mutual goals.

Happy
To dream that you are happy, may be a compensatory dream and is often a dream of the contrary. You may be trying to compensate for the sadness or stress in your waking life.

My second dream was about being at school (possibly because I watched a movie last night about a kid inventing a college so his parents wouldn’t be disappointed). I don’t remember much of this dream even though I had it after Tom got up for work but I remember that the school wasn’t one I have attended in real life. That’s about it other than a mild sense of frustration followed by resignation and a bunch of old faces from my school days.

School
To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about performance and abilities. You may also be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. If you are still in school and dream about school, then it will naturally serve as a backdrop to your dream world.? Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.? To dream about high school, refers to the bounds and friendships that you made while you were in high school. What spiritual lessons have you learned? The dream may also be telling you that you need to start preparing for the real world.
To dream that you have to repeat high school, suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities.

Frustration
To dream that you feel frustrated, represents your difficulty in coping with a situation in your daily life. It may reflect your concerns that your life is not going in the direction you want.

In Dreams They Come

My dreams have been bothering me somewhat recently so thought I would do as the shrinks say and write about them. As per usual with dreams they are difficult to encapsulate so they may not be particularly coherent sometimes it's just the feeling of the scene rather than the narrative that is troubling me but like sand through your fingers they slip away so easily when you wake.

last Saturday after a really good night at a party (not near a beach) I dreamt of sharks, walking amongst sharks on a platform between pools of deep vast water and I knew it was just a matter of time before one breached (query spelling on that). Their dorsal fins were circling and disappearing in the water and I was stuck trying to reach the other side waiting for the attack that was bound to happen. Would love to understand where these dreams come from, sometimes I think my dreams are more like sharks that prey on my sleeping mind but now I am being melodramatic.

Beyond the usual hospital ones where I am reliving my Xmas/New Year there have been two more this week that are still alive enough in my mind to resurrect.

Last night I had a busy night in my subconscious so can only assume something is troubling me that I have yet to resolve. Firstly I was dreaming of taking a friend to hospital but when I arrived they tried to admit us both, I explained that it was her that was ill but they told me I didn't look so hot either and admitted me. After that I remember being in a hospital gown asking to be discharged saying I felt fine but not being allowed to leave. Other than that all I remember is wheeling my friend in her wheelchair around the hospital both of us in gowns looking for the exit but getting confused by the conflicting signs.

This dream was followed in quick succession by a dream of house buying. Sounds quite inocuous but it was a little surreal. Admittedly we have had a lot of thuner and lightning this week but apparently we didn't have any last night so whether the weather (that really sounds strange to say) affected my dreams I don't know.
In my second dream I was out house hunting with a female friend I can't remember, we looked at this one house which was sat right on the beach; it was huge and beautiful with three floors to it. She really wanted to buy the place but it occourred to me that having had a flood myself and not being as close as this to the water that this house might also flood. We asked where the water came up to and it was very close to the boundary of the house even during normal tides. the clouds were heavy and dark gray low rumbles of thunder were in the distance and I told her that the steps that led down from the ebach to the basement would mean that that floor would flood very easily and it was a bad idea to buy. The wind was rising as it does before a storm and the waves were crashing louder on the shore. The beach was begining to look less and less appealing but she still really wanted the house. The owners said they wanted to show us something and that the house really wasn't in danger of flooding, so we followed them across the beach to the steps in the sand (somehow they were leading down still) they were very steep and I was holding on to the metal hand rail when the lightning really kicked off and started hitting over the shallows and even on the beach. we all let go of the hand rail at the same time, the husband slipped and fell away into the sand but we had to keep going as the storm grew even more intense. We could see the water reaching the house but at this point we were more concerned about getting away before it was too late. That's when the alarm went off.

So to the dream meaning websites and this is what I can find!?

Sand
To see sand in your dream, signifies a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude. Consider also the familiar phrase, "the sands of time" in which it may be suggesting that you are wasting your time or letting time pass you by.
To see wet sand in your dream, indicates that you are lacking a sense of balance in your life.

Sand Dunes
To see a sand dune in your dream, signifies your desires to be sheltered from the bitterness of reality.

Water
To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. To dream that water is rising up in your house, signifies your struggles and overwhelming emotions.

Waves
To see clear, calm waves in your dream, signifies a calming of emotions. It may also signal an important decision to be made.
To hear waves crashing in your dream, indicates tenderness and relaxation. It also brings about feelings of sensuality and sexuality.
To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave, signifies the strength of your emotions, perhaps accompanied by tears that you are holding back in your waking life.
To see muddy, violent waves in your dream, signifies that a fatal error was made in an important decision.

Sea
To see the sea in your dream, represents your unconscious and your transition between your unconscious and conscious. It also often represents your emotions. The dream may also be a pun on your understanding and perception of a situation. "I see" or perhaps there is something you need to "see" more clearly. Alternatively, the dream may indicate a need to reassure yourself or offer reassurance to someone.

Ocean
To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

Search (for the exit to the hospital?)
To dream that you are searching for something, signifies the need to find something that is missing or needed in your life. You may be searching for a solution to a problem.

Hospital
To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.

Weather
To dream about the weather, signifies your emotional state of mind. Stormy or windy weather implies conflict and aggression. Rain and hail represents depression and sadness. And rainbows and sunshine signifies hope and happiness.

Tempest
To dream that you are caught in a tempest, signifies trouble and the indifference of friends.

Storm
To see a storm in your dream, signifies overwhelming struggle, shock, devastating loss and catastrophe in your personal affairs. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. On a more positive note, the storm signifies the rising of spirit within.
To dream that you take cover in a storm, foretells that whatever disturbance or problems is occurring in your life will quickly blow over. Consider also the phrase "weather the storm", which suggests your ability and strength to withstand whatever comes.

Lightning
To see lightning in your dream, signifies sudden awareness, insight, and purification. Alternatively, lightning may imply a shocking turn of events. It suggests the many forces governing your life may be beyond your control.
To dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. It is a transformation of sorts.

Lost
To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

House
To see a house in your dream, represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the unconscious, etc. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity. If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system. To see a new house in your dream, indicates that you are entering into a new phase or new area in your life.

Basement
To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.
To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings.

Flood
To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, signifies that you will have much unsettling occurrences and tribulations in life. Your repressed emotions may be overwhelming you.
To dream that you are swept away by a flood, forewarns that someone is trying to use you.
To see a gentle flood, indicates that your worries over a certain matter will be soon be swept away.

Buying
To dream that you or someone is buying something, represents your acceptance of an idea, condition, or situation. Consider what item you are buying for additional analysis.

Warning
To dream that you are warning someone, suggests that you are able to recognize the dangers or negatives in some situation. You need to bring this to the surface.

Illness
To dream of an illness in your dream, denotes despair, unpleasant changes, and an emotional breakdown. The illness may be symbolic of your inability to cope with a situation and you see that being ill is an easy way out. On a more direct note, this dream may signal you to pay close attention to your health especially to the areas of body revealed in the dream.

Sick
To dream that you or others are sick, denotes discordance and trouble in your life. It may also signal a part of yourself that needs to be healed, either physically or mentally. Perhaps you are wallowing in your own self-pity. You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself.

Shark
To see a shark in your dream, represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Alternatively, you may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. The shark symbolizes feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.

And on that chirpy note I think that's enough. Looking back through the above analysis I think I am probably certifiable if they are accurate!

round up

Still haven't heard whether that company will offer me the job or not, although would assume at this point it's a no. Our Nintendo arrived this week so Tom has been happy playing games on the sofa for hours on end. He bought me flowers this week too, I think getting away and seeing other people made a difference, it reminds us of how lucky we are.

Uncle Brian had appeard on 16th and surprised us both by walking straight over and telling us how lovely it is to see two people who are so comfortable yet so in love. All we had done was stood there i had kissed Tom given him another tissue and told him I love him. I guess it just goes to show that not every relationship is as loving as you might first think.

17/06/2007

Woke up around half 8 Tom looked a bit grim but after 4 bottles of champagne to himself I don't suppose you could really expect otherwise. Helped tidy up for a while then went into town so Tom could get some breakfast and feel ill in peace. Got back and Jamie and his family had returned. Last time I met him he was really quiet and whilst he was pleasant we didn't really have much to say. I guess he was more comfortable this time round as and his wife were well away discussing things like their honeymoon with us. Breakfast appeared at the house at about midday by which time we had realised the barbecue would be very late and we wouldn't be able to stay. So we packed everything back into the car (disabled equipment really does take up a lot of space) and started our journey home.

Needless to say we were relieved to drop Beryl home and head back to ours.

16/06/2007

Up farily early-actually we couldn't avoid it due to heavy banging and yelling downstairs. Spent the morning helping out with the final preparations, then drove Lauren to her friends Birthday party. When we got back we were sent to the bakers to pick up some lunch which seemed to have slipped through the net of their meticulous planning. The bakers was shut, Tom was rather peeved and refused to try elsewhere. We went back got changed and picked Lauren back up from her party and took her straight to the church for the ceremony. One horrified woman turned to us and asked if Lauren was really attending the blessing and doing a reading dressed as snow white. I had the unforgiveable urge to pretend she would be but you never know when you are going to see these people again.

The blessing started slightly late as Louise and Dan were delayed. I have attended C of E schools until I was 11 years old so had every opportunity to become religous but cannot find it in myself to believe in a man (why not a woman and if not why does God need a gender anyway?) who is suposedly a father figure yet thinks its ok to let people suffer? Ok so less of the rant.
The minister was a stern faced woman who made her feelings on proper relationships perfectly clear. I can only assume that Mike and Lesley didn't choose the main surmon. Relationships of pure love are the love between a married man and his wife. Ok so the rest of us unmarried people are living in sin, so what? And what about the homosexual population? Are they totally incapable of falling in love? Was this decided by God that same gender affection was never to be fulfilled?

Obviously i wasn't the only one sitting there feelign rather irritated. Andrew went up to do his reading and started by giving a politically minded statement about the different kinds of pure love between adults. I think I grinned but then Tom kicked me. We were both pleased but no point annoying any of the religous set. Robert and Lauren did their readings and Tom went all soppy. Lucky I packed tissues really. Then after the renewal was over we went into the hall for a while.

It's amazing how many people can know you without you even being aware that they exist. I was expecting people to introduce themselves mainly to meet Tom as he is Lesley's eldest son but when they came over it was more, "you must be Rachel, we have heard so much about you, are you ok now? We've been praying for you." Gobsmacked, shocked, dumbfounded; none of those do justice to my surprise at comments like that. I was struck by the seemingly genuine concern of a complete stranger, embaressed that I was being discussed and angered by the thought that someone was wasting their time praying to an imaginary figure when they could be doing something to benefit people more directly.

Mike did another speech, Tom cried again, then we left to go back to the house. A side point- since when did traffic in Romford become so horrendous? We a few hours passed making tea for the old people and finding extra seats then the reception really kicked off. Champagne bottles were everywhere, the house was filled to the rafters (excuse the phrase) and kids were running all over the place. Robert, at the tender age of 10, took on barman duties and people seemed happy to leave him to it. Within an hour or so he had even recruited a handful of the other kids who were happy to take orders from the adults and deliver drinks to the table. It struck me that they really are so young still, it didn't even occour to them they could be getting up to mischief. A few years older and they would have been stealing the odd drink.

More introductions, finally met the infamous George and his partner. The music was ok, got stuck talking to people I couldn't remember but seemed to know me quite well. Tom nearly got into a fight with someone over the buffet. haha. This kid asked her dad if it was a sin to push into the queue, to which the dad said yes and eyed Tom up, he then went on to explain that while some people haven't even been to the buffet once others are so greedy they are on a second visit. Tom promptly turned around (much to the rude christians surprise) and told him that he wasn't queuing for himself in his own home as he would have gone to the fridge rather than the buffet but that he was queuing for his disabled Nan who wasn't able to get her own food. The man grumbled and disappeared. Tom's annoyance didn't, well not until we had left the house gone for a walk, I had gotten ill and he had drunk another bottle of champagne.

Note-Tom dances just like Andrew. Also, Tom is an outrageous flirt when drunk. Met an ex-colleague for the first time (only spoke to him on the phone previously) then got badgered by him and his wife to provide a reference for him. Danced a bit, although I vehemently tried to avoid this as I get so self conscious and I really am a bad rigid dancer. by midnight to get me to dance (my excuse for not dancing had become that my shoes were hurting) George ran off with one of my shoes in his mouth and I had no choice but to follow. It was a real picture, especially when he decided to put my shoe down his trousers but only managed to wedge it in his belt. George and his boyfriend/partner are an interesting pair and seem to be at opposites yet I guess complimenting eachothers personality at the same time.

James was being given too much to drink by Dan, who got found out, an argument followed and he eventually went home leaving Louise rather upset. Around 1 in the morning James decided it was time to start throwing up ( he is 14) so poor Lesley had to clean up after him. lauren finally fell asleep in Andrew's arms while he was dancing so she and Robert were taken to bed.

I think Tom and I eventually went to bed at about half two as the final taxis arrived to take the last of the guests on their way.

15/06/2007

Finally the weekend arrives, three whole days with the two of us off together. It's fair to say the weekend would either be a huge success or a rancid disaster.

So after getting excited i realised that before we could head down to essex we needed one more thing. Sorry that should be person. Beryl. It could have been worse, she only started to cry once on the journey and she didn't moan when we overtook other cars. Overall I think she might have made a conscious effort so I can't really complain.

We arrived mid afternoon (around 2 ish) the kids were still at school yet the house was a hive of activity. Being a guest I unpacked our stuff, helped Beryl into the house and to a seat then started by making tea and coffee for everyone. Andrew was there (as usual) but Tom had decided to give him another go after judging that particular book by it's cover the last time we met him. tables were moved, beds were dismantled and reassembled, the kitchen was cleaned and the house dusted for good measure. All but the dusting seemed to be done by Andrew!? Oh that's until he decided to leave his glass of wine on top of the fridge, Micheal dusted and knocked the glass, this dropped at speed and just missed the side of Robert's head before shattering on the tile floor. Robert screamed in shock, Micheal got annoyed with him an argument between two of the most stubborn people I know ensued and Robert being about half Mike's size and only 10 years old promptly lost (but only by a slim margin). With glass spread across the floor and Robert screaming and banging up in his room the gents decided to go and buy ice. Makes sense really.

Well the rest of the afternoon went ok, Robert calmed down, we played a couple of games with Lauren and then went out to meet our mates over at (this is taking tremendous concentration to use the correct name) The Bitter End. The night was realy good, Norb did a no show (surprised?) but the others were there, Jon and Jo were on good form and Pedro is clearly loving his new career as a teacher. It was so good to catch up with them all as I haven't seem them for a few months now.

Anyway we didn't stay all night as we knew that the next day we wouldn't get any sleep, so we headed back about half 10. As we snuck through the door so as not to wake the kids the conversation we overheard is almost beyond belief. They needed to get more ice. And dear God even though they went and got more the following day they still decided they were short a good few bags. That's global warming for you.

8th June 2007

First full day back at work. V is being her usual self, I think she is trying to replace people in her life with pet poodles, it's a shame, she is a lovely person but people can be put off by her tough cover. Enough of the pop psychology.

Work was work-shaped. My next interview is booked for Thursday at 10:30am so looks like I shall be out of the office alo towards the end of the week. Tom's nan rang to see how I was feeling which was nice. All these years I have been on the outside of that family looking in and now I get ill they are showing more genuine concern than my own family.

Oh and the boiler has broken down so I have a pile of laundry (Tom didn't feel like doing any while I was in hospital) and not hot water to wash it with. It's so wondeful to be home. On the upside when I rang the gas company they said an engineer would be out this afternoon. Told Tom and he thinks they are only being so quick as I am a girl. Truth be told I would survive longer without heating and hot water than him so I don't really know what he is talking about!

Have you ever had the feeling that someone is hiding your stuff? I know I have this pair of shoes that would go really well with the dress I'm wearing to the blessing next weekend but for the life of me I can't find them. But then again the lost items fairy has been having a busy week, I have also lost my engagement ring sometime last night. Not sure where because if I was it wouldn't be lost! It's a little too big for me these days but i haven't had it resized yet and I know I took it off to do the dishes so I wouldn't loose it in the sink but I'm almost certain I had it afterwards but then I had a bath so I would have taken it off for that too. No matter where I look I have no luck. I guess I will have to tell him when he gets home and hope he can see the wood for the trees. I will probably be somewhere really easy to see (fingers crossed anyway).

7th June 2007

Woke up feeling bloody hungry with no drip in my arm and to the sound of that damn woman chattering away in the early hours. It’s bad enough in hospitals getting woken to have your blood pressure checked at all hours (which I’m fairly certain is purely checking if we are alive so they can’t be sued for not noticing over night) without ignorant idiots like that blathering on. My blathering was kept for this blog out of the way where no one would be bothered by it. Was told I was being discharged at 8am and the doctor had already written the note etc. Got myself ready and looking vaguely human and waited patiently. Turns out I didn’t physically get out of the hospital until 12:45 when my medication finally turned up. Why tell me to get myself ready if it’s going to be hours till I can actually go???

Finally home. I walk through the door pick up the post shove my bags down and realise I’m still wearing my hospital band on my wrist. How sad. What’s sadder is that I was at my desk and working within the hour. Best feeling that day was sitting in the bath after work, that’s when it really hit me that I was home at last.

Tom told my folks I was in hospital on Tuesday night. He said he spoke to my mum who said very little and was quick to get off of the phone. They left a message on the mobile Wednesday night (it was off as I was in hospital) and then tried again Thursday afternoon. It was my dad. Dad was again very brief on the phone so I guess they are still not really talking to me but felt they had to so they wouldn’t feel bad if I died. Charming. I had more genuine concern from Tom’s family than my own; I guess it is things like this that really tell you who and what matters in your life.

“Time takes us all,
So why am I not just living for today?
Time takes us, time takes us all,
Will I die right now? it could be seconds away
Time takes us all”
The Ripper, Lies for the Liars by The Used

“It never used to hurt before,
it isn’t funny anymore,
Feeling so alone now,
Funny how you wish some way that you could die at the hospital”
Hospital, Lies for the Liars, by The Used.

Both of them felt so appropriate on the days I lay in my hospital bed without hope paralysed by fear so much that I was ready inside to go to surgery, perversely I almost wanted it, that way I knew I would be fixed and safe. If I went home and nothing was diagnosed then I could die alone rather than a place where they would take the pain away as it happened.

You don’t realised it but we face death every day of our lives it’s just that normally we bury our heads in the sand and chose to believe it’s years away in some distant murky future not seconds or minutes away. It might be though. Any of us could die at any time and I think I am now so aware of it that it no longer scares me. I should probably counter those darker quotes with something uplifting so I will leave my blog with….

“I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone”
Famous Last Words, The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance

6th June 2007

Woke up early again as the woman in bed sick seemed to be presenting symptoms of verbal diarrhoea and inability to consider the existence of others. If I weren’t practically chained to the bed by my IV I might have strangled her with it.

Felt sick quite badly, the pain was irritating me and I was nervous about the scan; I wasn’t in the best of moods. As with yesterday morning several different Dr’s came to see me, said their thing then disappeared, one came back several times saying he was concerned that I had been nil by mouth so long and would ensure the scan happened as soon as possible. He came back with his consultant at one point, which was an almost comical conversation.

The consultant discussed my symptoms with me and briefly mentioned my oophorectomy then said that we need to be very careful as I don’t want to loose this ovary so young. At that precise moment the other Dr twitched and I knew he must have known what happened last time and possibly been on Dr Preston’s team. I turned t the consultant and told him that I had already been told I didn’t have a left ovary once this year and thought I was menopausal but that I had thankfully located a radiology report to prove otherwise. He looked a bit confused to say the least; screwed his face up and turned to his colleague who pretty much cringed and said that they had been unable to locate it during the last scan or the surgery so had assumed it was absent.

I finally got some IV pain relief as I wasn’t able to drink anything through being nauseous, this went straight to my head and that light headed somewhat out of control feeling was back, I closed my eyes to stop the room was blurring in and out of focus and laid back to the pillow before it moved somewhere else on its own accord. They followed with an injection to the leg for anti sickness. This was promptly followed by a lot of vomiting. Excellent drug, very efficient.
My scan finally happened at 2:20pm, the Dr who performed the scan was a solar eclipse chaser (didn’t know they existed). If you are wondering how I know what he does in his spare time then that is fairly simply explained. The first thing he said to me was that I had had a very special 16th birthday. My first blurry thought was my 16th was years ago, has he got the right patient records. Then suddenly it all came into focus and I remembered my 16th and the eclipse.

The result of the ultrasound was given to me about half 5 that evening (3 days since I had eaten 3 days of sleep deprivation). There was no sign of a cyst, everything else renal or gynaecological looked normal. My urine sample had also been cultured and there was no sign of infection at all (so how the hell did blood and nitrates get in my sample???). Their conclusion was that the pain was being caused by adhesions- http://www.itmonline.org/arts/adhesions.htm although the information they gave me on them was pretty scant at best. There was no mention that they may develop and no one after the original operation had warned me that I had a 70% chance of developing them and not to be too concerned unless the pain became severe. Hell it would have given me a little more peace of mind and left me slightly less hysterical at the slightest twitches. So they told me I could now eat and they would observe me over night and if I was fine eating I would be discharged.

I didn’t know it at the time (or until I read the info on the above link) but adhesions can block the bowel and that’s why they needed to know I could eat.

Finally food. But all they had spare was 1 jacket potato and a slice of cake. Not what I would call dinner but I wasn’t exactly feeling fussy.

5th June 2007

Looking around me I was quite surprised. The girl to my right in bed 6 was about my age give or take a couple of years, the woman in bed 4 to my left was in her 50’s had a small bowel obstruction due to previous surgeries for her bowel cancer. The woman in bed 3 (my last bed) had cancer and was being treated, bed 2 was also cancer as was bed 1. both 1 & 2 had surgery the day I was admitted and were now waking up properly for the first time. The girl in bed 6 had been for an ultrasound since I had arrived.

I felt sick still so wasn’t bothered about being nil by mouth, they told me the scan would be later that day and they needed to be ready to take me in for a laparoscopy after the scan. By about 5:00pm they decided to tell me that they hadn’t managed to get the scan booked and it would hopefully be tomorrow.

By this point I was heaving myself to the toilet to cry in private. I had spent the whole day and Monday staring at a bed where they had wrongly told me I was menopausal and was now waiting to find out if they would be operating to remove a cyst and possibly my other ovary yet no one seemed in a hurry. I was terrified but no one cared.

When Tom arrived I can honestly admit I have never been happier to see someone in my life. He went and spoke to the nursing team and the promised the scan would be the next day, he called our private health people who said if I wanted to go private I would need to see my GP then would probably be able to get a scan the same day. But as the GP’s had already stopped for the night there was no point. At this time I was now 2 days without food and 2 nights of sleep deprivation.

4th June 2007

By the morning my ache hadn’t gone away and was actually keeping me restless at night I was also feeling nauseous so I went to hospital as advised. I was there by 8am and only one other person was in the waiting room with me. I did the usual pee sample and was taken through to be examined within 10 minutes.

Hint for anyone requiring medical treatment-go Monday morning as no one else is there!

Well the first Dr was awkward when discussing the nature of my pain and my medical history, can’t really blame him. He examined me briefly and then went to find the results of my pee test. Apparently I had large bloods and nitrates in my urine which was indicative of a UTI. I didn’t however have a sense of urgency for urinating or a burning sensation when I relieved myself. The Gynae Dr was then called. The male SHO apparently drew the short straw and impressed by having done some research on my congenital disorder before seeing me. He unfortunately put his foot in it when he asked if I had had the reconstructive surgery (McIndoe procedure I think it’s called) as he didn’t have a clue about the physiotherapy option that is tried first and can be successful. He pretty much blushed when I sat and answered his questions on what this entailed. Who would have thought there was anything that would make a Gynae Dr blush!
Anyways, more physical exams, another pee sample and a blood test later and they decided to admit me for a scan. The blood test came back clear which was apparently good news but they couldn’t rule out either an ovarian cyst or a UTI at this stage. They gave me a canula and a saline drip to keep me hydrated then wheeled me to ward 12.

Lo and behold I was on Bay 1 again, this time facing the bed I had slept in previously where all my angst was borne. Well I was asked to do yet another urine sample (how many do they need and what the hell do they do with them?) and then make sure I urinated in the bedpans in the bathrooms so they could measure my output. I don’t know if this is standard procedure for every ward or just the Gynae ward but it is somewhat embarrassing and also awkward to achieve in practice when you are trying to hold your IV line to stop it from pulling, aim into the pan then hold the pan to throw the tissue down the toilet. And I say all that having had two separate hospital visits where this was practiced.

I still felt sick at lunch time so missed lunch, by this point I had been 24 hours without food. By dinner time the Dr’s had decided to keep me on more painkillers and make me nil by mouth. All night every 15-20 minutes the machine monitoring the woman in the bed next to me would go off, blaring loudly waking all of us up and then be reset by the nurse. By half 5 in the morning the rather large resident of that bed had decided she was in the mood for conversation so was trying to wake the others up. Stubbornly I kept my eyes closed and refused to acknowledge that she had woken me but a couple of the others gave in and seemed to forget that other people might actually want a rest whilst in hospital.

The Rest of my weekend

My abdominal pain didn’t go away so I went to see the out of hours GP. He examined me, by which I mean, he prodded and poked randomly at me until I cried out in pain and then stroked his chin which I think was mainly for effect. The outcome was that he thought I might be right bout it being another cyst. His suggested actions: take paracetamol until it develops then go to A&E or if the pain stays as it is go to A&E on Monday morning. Genius. A total waste of time. So from there Tom and I went to the supermarket for plenty of pain killers then home to settle down.

On Sunday we went to see Beryl who was feeling depressed about her lack of mobility (I can sympathise about that) and then had lunch out, which was nice. That was the last time I ate hich will make more sense later on.

02/06/2007

I am a moth to the flame, attracted by your beauty,
The slightest touch does scorch yet too late as I am burning with desire.
I flutter unashamedly a dance with danger to feel your warmth
Unaware each wing stroke is a hurricane or tornado elsewhere.

I am a moth to the flame, too plain for the light of day
Your ambient glow softens me you make me out against the wall
Larger than life a formless shadow against you.
And somewhere just like me, a storm tossed sailor is lost at sea
Your light, a siren’s song, his beacon call.

Extinguished you are not immediately gone,
Your warmth emanates before diluted in the night
Your brightness fresh on my retinas lingers momentarily
Gone too soon, an image intangible, out of reach.
My dream

02/06/2007

Firstly I need to get this off my chest... Love the new My Chemical Romance video for next single Teenagers. What seems the biggest shame is that half the words are sensored, not just expletives as that is reasonable but you can no longer say Gun or God and for some reason shirt and pay if used in a particular order. Sensorship gone mad, the young people they are supposedly protecting know this song isn't promoting the violence and they also have internet access and can look for lyrics so why bother?

Enough.

The blue tits have moved out, not even a thankyou note! the nest is empty not a creaure is stirring not even a mouse (I know it's not December). The garden is looking good but my plums are shrivelling. I apologise, it's immature but it makes me smile when I say that. Not sure what's wrong with the tree have bought some different foods for it. The cat is easier to look after but he only produces immense piles of you know what.

What else? Ooh, Got asked to attend a second interview this Tuesday, I gather from the roundabout conversations with Tom that he doesn't think I should take it as we will only have one day together a fortnight if I do. Shame as they are nice people but he is right relationships require effort and sacrifice. If I want a new challenge I shall have to learn to drive and then work a field position within BT, that way I still have home working facilities.

I had another one of my wobblers last night. We were on the sofa watching a movie and I burst into tears saying I felt ill and was scared. I neer used to worry when got sick, I was so used to living in the bathroom and Tom knew I could handle it so he wouldn't even need to get up in the night. These days the slightest pain on my lef hand side and I'm terrified. I promise that this week I really wll see my GP and ask to be referred for an ultrasound, there is only the one way I can reassure myself that I am not about to end up in surgery again and that's by proving there is no new tumour.

And those are the days you wish you didn't know so much. I have reverted back to my pre counselling state of searching the internet for similar cases to mine. I have now read dozens of women's stories of how they had one cyst/tumor removed and within a few months there was another. Rather than quelling my fears it has confirmed that i am right to be concerned. I guess the next thing is that if I don't take the new job then I should probably arrange some additional counselling through my healthcare plan. Hindsight has enabled me to see the difference between the period I had sessions and the period where I haven't. It's not pretty. Not sure if neurotic is the right word but definitesly paranoid and scared.

My dreams of late have been more bizarre and surreal than ever. Last night I was in hospital but the staff were the cast of Scrubs and there was a person inside a giant bear suit who was supposed to perform surgery. I dread to think what a professional would make of that.
Sadly that's not the only weird dream, they seem to come in droves at the moment, every morning I wake up, rub my eyes and scratch my head at the strang encounter I just had.