Tell Me I'm a Bad Man, Kick me Like a Stray..

Monday came and went way too quickly this week. We drove to Romford and were there by lunch time. The kids were pleased to see us. Robert could have been a poster child for the symptoms of ADHD, but it was good to see them anyway. We played a few games with them, had some lunch and went shopping. Going into town was an odd experience, things have changed so much there yet it all seems vaguely familiar still- like looking at the world through the wrong end of a telescope.
Met up with Norb and Pedro, so good to see them, Norb just seems to grow and grow these days. Every time we see him he looks a couple of inches taller, so we can't do any more short jokes!? Mike appears to be enjoying the challenges of teaching, I'm really pleased for him; and of course slightly jealous that he gets all those school holidays still. :)

Got into London eventually, had to queue around the corner and building at the Brixton Academy but the rain held off mostly. The Sounds were supporting, but to be honest I didn't think much of them, there were no apparent technical hitches but the music was just average. Maybe the studio stuff sounds better. I'm gonna look them up and try it, no point making an uninformed decision.
Panic! were, as expected, fantastic. No one seemed to miss a beat, the singing was in tune (although he avoided some of the longer/higher notes, can't expect miracles though). The set was amazing, I loved Mouline Rougue anyway but the windmill and the moon looked great. The dancers were quite cool although we were so tightly packed in the pit that I couldn't really see everything.
The trip back took a while, trying to find everyone when we got back outside was a mission. Went McD's at Liverpool Street as everyone was hungry. Just to make a change I decided it was the perfect time to feel sick so me and Tom left them in McD's and caught the first train. We were back at his parents about an hour before the others got back.

Anyway, Robert and Lauren were outside our room early in the morning giggling inanely and whispering louder than I talk. Lauren asked Robert to check if we were asleep, I shut my eyes instinctively expecting him to walk in. Instead he put his head to the floor to check under the door (as per Laurens instructions). When she asked what he could see he replied, "carpet". I suppose that was all he could see but it shows the different perspective you have as a child. If you had asked the same question to me I would have said I couldn't see anything but children say exactly what they see and think and feel. Oh to be so open and free!

Loss adjuster has agreed to replace the top and bottom cupboards as well as their doors now. He also agreed to replace the oven and fridge so we are finally getting there.

Tony in Norwich asked Tom if he wanted to go work for him as his assistant manager. We should know for sure on Monday that it will all go ahead but it looks pretty promising. It will be a good challange for him and might motivate him to follow some form of career. The only down side is that he will have to travel for an hour each way and wont be home for lunch breaks anymore so we will see less of eachother. I'm sure that is a down side but now I've written it I keep thinking maybe not! haha.

Being the domestic goddess I am, I shall now go and bake some cookies and brownies. I can't eat them if I want to feel human but I love the smell. See you soon.

One More Day...

Haha! How pathetic, it's not llike I'm excited to be going to the show tomorrow night or anything, I mean no!

Around 18 years ago they were taken in for questioning and examinations, sadly it was a set up. They were framed for just being different and seeing the world from a unique perspective and were sentenced to life imprisonment behind thick set bars. They have now spent 18 years seeing life through a lense, a corrective programme that has proved ineffective. they were just born different. Yesterday they went to a parole board meeting, even given day release but they couldn't fit it and after only 20 minutes in the outside world, free from bars for the first time in years, they reverted to their former ways. Their view of the world warped through no fault of their own.

My contact lenses wouldn't stay put in the exact position required. You see with astigmatism each angle and curve of the eye can require a different position so the lense has to stay still to be effective. The optician very tactfully (as if) advised that my eyelids were tight and were rotating the lenses by about 30 degrees everytime I blinked. I now have to wait until 4th november to try some different lenses that will be 30 degrees out so when I blink they will move to the right angle. How weird!?

I think if this idea of karma and reincarnation is real I was a pretty shitty person in my last life!?

It was strange wandring around without my glasses on. The world was warped worse with the lenses than when I wear nothing. I went to Smiths to look for a new book but the classics section was pretty crap, even with my poor vision I could see how limited the selection was. I think maybe it was set up by a nationalist. There were hardly ay books by authors who werent British. I think the only one I saw (excuse my vision so I may be wrong) was Alexander Dumas' The Three Musketeers. Suffice to say, there was nothing there that wouldn't appear on a school curriculum and I had read most of them. Not that it really mattered at the time; I was feeling a little dizzy and sick from the blurry vision. Ironic. I seem to get all the side effects of alcohol abuse but none of the drinking or fun.

when everyday is halloween
what are you gonna do?
the trick or treating queen is here
she's mean and after you

In God We Trust

The idea of a new begining should be exciting and positive but so often inside you feel anxiety and a pressure to be successful in the fresh start. What if I fail pales in comparison to the fear of-what if I succeed? Then what? What next? How can you top that success? Success is something I long for but as much as I strive to achieve a part of me always wonders what do I do if I get it right? Sometimes I think people create their own problems, we subconsciously hold back or will ourselves and others to fail for fear of change. Mostly though we are unfathomable walking conundrums.


we close our eyes
bury our heads in the sand
breathe oxygen and lies
but inside we understand

it's all over now
the final curtain call
take that one last bow
try to carry on
make it work somehow

yet when your standing on the precipice
searching for some meaning
looking down into a black abyss
you'd better pray your only dreaming

your hand clasped in mine
our painted tight lipped smiles
pretending we're both fine
inside we're sick with bile

it's all over now
the final curtain call
take that one last bow
try to carry on
make it work somehow

yet when your standing on the precipice
searching for some meaning
looking down into a black abyss
you'd better pray your only dreaming

put your hands together for me now
but hold the applause
are you listening up there now?
this crowd needs a worthy cause

Cycles

Everything comes in cycles apparently but I think I just go round in circles instead which I guess makes little difference to the outcome. The biggest circles here right now are the hollows of my eyes sunken and grayed out staring back at me in the reflection of my other laptop monitor. To sleep or not to sleep. Not a choice I get. Last night I drifted off for a while and dreamed that my engagement ring was broken, specifically into three pieces, the diamond had gone missing too. I don't remember much more and even those images washed up vague and misshapen throughout the day. Sometimes I have to really concentrate to determine what was a dream and wat was real but mostly my dream world is even more surreal than the blur of nonsensical news articles that are our reality.

Sunday after Tom finished work he became obsesses with the internet and searching for a holiday. By the time we went to bed he had decided he wanted to go to the Dominican Republic to some five star hotel for a week. The hotel even offered a free wedding service. So Monday we went to the travel agents and tried to book it. He had already put the trailer onto ebay to raise some of the money for it and was going to get me to seel my wedding dress as it's too bulky to take out there and buy a simple summer dress for the big day.
Well it turns out that we can't get married when we are out there as you need to be resident for 5 working days not including your date of arrival so you really need two weeks even though it was advertised on a 7 day break. We still booked the holiday though and have paid some of it off. I was half disappointed and half relieved that we couldn't marry out there. It seems so idyllic in the pictures (not that I have ever been keen on hot/sun orientated holidays) but at the same time getting married is saying that I accept that this, what we have is it for us for life. I know not everyone marries for life anymore but that's what I want. The question is, do we really love eachother or is this just convenient and better than waking up to an empty bed in a crummy damp flat?

He tells me I'm angry but then again he isn't the only person to tell me that these days. That innocently cheeky "you know you love me really" smile never fades, only his eyes give away the slight hint of doubt when I wryly say "oh is that what you think?". It's not him I am angry at not really. I make excuses say he is irritating and lazy and a slob but I know he could be far worse. It's me I am angry at and the pathetic excuse for a life that I lead. I am a lame duck.

"Salt tasting tears, they roll off of my lips, one for each day I'm inside this house, its a trap, one I can't quite escape so I pretend it's the place that I love"
"Place all your bets and watch be loose, the life that I got and never used, dream every night that one will come true, but only bad ones ever do"

The Hush Sound- Out Through My Curtain.

No explanation needed other than that really.

How great is it that My Chemical Romance got to number 1 in the Uk chart!? It is so deserved, the song is great and the snippets of the album I have heard so far are excellent and so diverse. I will download the album on Monday Morning.

There are days when I think the sun will reveal me to the world as the fake that I am. I left hope in the box I forgot to pack when I moved house I think. Or maybe that was my dignity. I'm certain my sanity managed to survive the move although I've not seen that lately either. I mislay everything. I misplaced my faith and my fingers got burned- but I didn't realise it was going to be so hot down here. I don't like using trust because I'm sure that will run out someday like coal and oil. Only when it burns there are no insidious gaseous and clouds of smoke or carbon monoxide to dull the pain, just a sharp kick in the stomach instead. Much more direct. I'm tired of beating around the bush but its shaded here and you rarely notice me as long as I stay cool. A guilty voyeuristic pleasure to watch your purity shining; the intensity of your light makes my eyes leak and my soul ache but it's worth it for just a moment. A moment of blinding clarity where I forget the leagues between us and feel again. Then it's gone as quick as a lightning strike; the sound as my head falls from the clouds and my feet land square on the ground is that of thunder, reality bites.The intangible grip I have on it tears mercilessly at my fingernails already bitten and too short. Maybe I should just let go. What's below is imperceptible in this grey light, the shadows of similarly lost souls move mournfully about in the swirling darkness. Is this how I appear to you? Another monster under the bed, a creature from a nightmare better left forgotten? Misshapen by my sins a better likeness to the rippled reflections on disturbed water than that of a mirror. It's been so long since I last dared to look and truly see, myself. The evening light is softer on these ragged features, half light becomes me. In these twilight times our two worlds gently coincide, language no more a barrier than our different faith. I have none but you believe in everything, every miracle, signs of goodness in all life. Your charity calming and peaceful to the monotonous drone of my heart. You breathe music into my veins and I live again.Your narcotic transforms me completely; I lied, I have faith, not in gods or human kindness, we are all interminably flawed; but I do believe in you.

would you catch me if I fall
before I end it all
though I didn't call
and save me from myself

would you fight away the demons
tear up the latest summons
make lemonade from lemons
and save me from myself

and I would live again
exist for you only
my lover and my friend
please save me

your stubborn in defeat
same mistakes you repeat
with this I can't compete
I'll save you from yourself

can't take it when you fail
or when your sick and pale
death stories you regale
I'll save you from yourself

and you would live again
exist for me only
my lover and my friend
don't leave me

together last the night
and fight the damn good fight
turn darkness into light
we'll save us from ourselves

and day by day we'll live
and past sins we'll forgive
for eachother we'll live
we'll save us from ourselves

and we will live again
exist for us only
my lover and my friend
believe me.

sleepless nights from unfinished fights
laying there thinking of nothing new
not really sure what I'm looking for
but im certain it isn't you

why don't I make for the exit
and get the hell out of here
cant see a way forward to fix it
yet im paralysed by fear

and its hard to find the words to say
cos when i look at you I feel that way
left standing on my own
the moment dead and gone

so here it is plain and simple
undeniably true
I love you

and its here our last chance
let me know where to begin
not sure whether to dance
or sing, but I wrote this one for you

so here it is plain and simple
undeniably true
I love you

but here I am no more pretend
not how I hoped that it would end
theres nothing left to do
but just leave you one last clue

I love you
what can I do?
I love you

my hearts racing as I tell you how I feel
my hands are bracing, this train wreck could be real
I risked it, I did it, I beared to you my soul
you laughed my critic, and i shot wide of the goal

so here it is plain and simple
undeniably true
I love you

there's nothing I wouldn't do for you
I love you

You say you're holding out for my sake
Well I don't belie-eve
You think your truth will make my ground shake?
Well that I just don't see
Don't think you hear a word I'm saying
Thinking of dirty games you're playing

Chorus
So say it like you mean it baby
Tell it like you believe in i-it
The truth hurts no one else, but me-ee

V2
You talk like it's all give not ta-ake
Well I don't belie-eve
You think it's my heart that's gonna break
Well that I just don't see
Don't think you hear a word I'm saying
Thinking of dirty games you're playing

Chorus
So say it like you mean it baby
Tell it like you believe in i-it
The truth hurts no one else, but me-ee

Bridge
So why d'you hold on to me like there's no hope, no ho-ope
And I can see the funny side but it's no joke, no jooooke
Come on and say it like you mean it
Say it like you me-e-an i-it
Come on and say it like you mean iiiiiittttttt

Chorus (x2)
So say it like you mean it baby
Tell it like you believe in i-it
The truth hurts no one else, but me-ee

Outro
The truth hurts no one else
No the truth hurts no one else
The truth hurts no one else but you

boredom

hold your head up high
don't be afraid
there is no black or white
just shades of gray

there are no right words
only pauses
there'll never be a right time
to fight just causes

stand up and be counted
lift your head above the parapit
the attack must be mounted
or fail your consciounce and live with it

came out with this in one random moment earlier this week. wasn't annoyed or upset or much of anything other than bored.

On a Day Like Today

One a day like today it looks like it might rain, the clouds are thick and heavy like your autumn duvet; and in just the same way they trap the heat. On a day like today I never know if I should take a jacket or just go out in my shirt. Wichever I am bound by the laws of the universe or just sods law to be wrong.

Looking forward to the My Chemical Romance album which is out in just over a week. Creatively it's taken a totally different direction and it works beautifully. There are elements of british music like Queen but it is completely their own identity.

Wednesday I went to the opticians to find out about getting contact lenses. The tests were a little on the weird side but I'm sure they make sense. Trust no one but your own instincts even medical professionals are sales people out for their own gain these days.
test Wise she flipped my eyelids up which was pretty disgusting, it didn't hurt but was a little uncomfortable and made me feel weird cos I knew what she had done. Then she put dye in my eyes which flouresced under UV light. Now that was actually pretty cool. She needn't worry though, I know for a fact my eyes water perfectly well. In regards to her ethics I think maybe she failed that module of her degree or just bunked it.
She has told me to go with monthly disposables which work out about 100 quid more a year than the hand made annual lense. this in itself isn't the biggest problem as if I loose one of the monthly ones it's easier to replace so fair enough. The thing is the hand made ones are closer to my prescription and will give me better vision. Obviously I would prefer the daily disposables but they don't do strong enough ones for blind people like me!

Speaking/writing about people with poor ethics we used a damp meter on the house last night to see how bad it was now its been a few weeks since the flood. We are well within normal range for damp yet the Chemdry people are insisting we need to keep the dehumidifiers for another week. I think they are just trying to capitalise on the extra money they will get and I can't blame them but it's made the parrot chew off most of her wing feathers. She looks pretty bad and can't fly at all now.

Am looking to sort out a collar to stop her doing it and a vest as reinforcement that way they will have a chance to grow back.

Insurance people are avoiding giving us the go ahead for the repair work. Need to chase them Monday. All I do both professionally and personally is chase people for informance and answers. It's pretty tiresome, maybe thats how a journalist feels, only my reward isn't a headline and by line it's getting a sale and getting my house fixed.

You know I think the tide is turning. Tom had a day off yesterday with me and we managed to not argue for the entire day. My tongue is sore from too much biting but that's the price we pay for domestic calm (haha). We went for breakfast which was cool since we don't normally eat in the morning, did some shopping and to make a change he spent more on clothes than me. He is such a tart sometimes it's quite scary! I have come to the conclusion that men are bigger posers than women, us girls just admit it more openly.

Hung out at the beach for the afternoon which was sunny but a little on the fresh side, was nice to be out. I guess most people wouldn't see the excitement in it but let's face it- I am sad and pathetic; that and I don't leave the house to often what with working and living there.

Watched a film called Stay last night. You should check it out if you get a chance. It's about a shrink that takes on a colleague's client and gets wrapped up the patients world. Ewan McGregor is excellent as the confused yet conscientious shrink (although what was he thinking when he did his hair cos all I was thinking of gel in a wind tunnel). Ryan Gosling played the troubled student and did one hell of a job. Kept you thinking the whole way through the movie and left a few questions after so was better than alot of the movies they release at the moment. Wanted to see Munich really but Tom wasn't so keen.

Ok so now is the time I really have to say something that will probably make you cringe and think I am nuts so I apologise in advance. My parrot moshes to Panic! At The Disco. I know it sounds daft but she really does. She may well be so stupid she has chewed her feathers so bad she can't fly at the moment but she is smart enough to enjoy good music. She used to sing to certain bands but since we taught her to nod when she wants something or to answer a question she has taken to nodding to the music she likes. It's quite funny to watch, well I was amused anyway.

I have the joy of seeing Tom's nan tomorrow. We are going round there with dinner to save her cooking for herself. What fun. I know I sound mean and yes you are damn right, I am, but I don't care. I feel sorry for her and how quickly she has gone down hill and I make every effort to be nice and helpful too but it doesn't mean I have to like her. I'm going to hell anyway, we all are.

Work is pretty boring at the moment, I just can't get into it like I used to. I dealt with a few complaints, spoke to a few people about telephone systems, and just generally hung out until it was time to log off at the end of the day. I want to be enthused about my job, someone help me.

I can't believe how early it gets dark now, all I can see is the silhouette of the house opposite, no definition of brick work; it's illuminated from behind by the orange glow of a street lamp. Street lights always make me think of winter, that orange light brings me back to all the times I would walk to and from school in the near darkness and Christmas shopping after school with my friends. Funny I even remember waiting at the bus stop in Gidea Park for an hour every night for the bus home after work; I remember that with a worrying amount of nostalgia considering I hated the job and was frozen and normally soaked from the inevitable rain.

Anyway I am droning on.

Tonight I am thinking of Open/broken heart purgery. Someone save me from myself.

AWOL

I touched your hand you touched my heart,
you kissed my lips I fell apart
couldn't have been better than it seemed
back when we were seventeen

But I went absent without leave
it's gone so fast I can't believe
blink of an eye I'm twentythree

I'm home again six years have passed
Can't remember when I truly saw you last
couldn't have been harder than it seemed
back when we were seventeen

But I went absent without leave
it's gone so fast I can't believe
blink of an eye I'm twentythree

We've a house and a car but we haven't come that far really,
my head was my home and I was always alone there baby,
so I backed off, knew you were hacked off but I was too afraid to trust
Now I see you with new eyes, I'm truly surprised to find we're still Us.
Guess it wasn't so bad when we were seventeen

But I went absent without leave
it's gone so fast I can't believe
blink of an eye I'm twentythree

Headlines & By-lines

Raise my heavy heart above your head
The greatest trophy you’ll ever get
You’ll just never know it
Heart collector yet untouched by love
Consumed by hate it’s more pity your deserving of

Slap that poker face, nice guys always come last place
Slap that poker face, like you, your memory lost without a trace

How could such a looser win so much
No kind words or warm tender touch
Too insignificant to bother with
So indifferent how can you live like this

Slap that poker face, nice guys always come last place
Slap that poker face, like you, your memory lost without a trace

Like a library you collect hearts on long term loan
Borrowed without permission
Why not just burn us down, force us to close
No need to add more fuel to the fire
Left us feverish with naïve desire

Slap that poker face, nice guys always come last place
Slap that poker face, like you, your memory lost without a trace

Saturday

Totally unrelated to the rest of this blog but seeing as the title is linked Im going to ask anyway... is the music video for Saturday (Fallout Boy) supposed to be a nod in the direction of "Identity" which was released the other year as a film starring John Cusack?

It's been a particularly long and dull week really. April showers in October have punctuated the days and between Monday and Wednesday I went from t-shirts to thick Jumpers. The clouds now move swiftly in the sky like the white rabbit late for his date. My spring flowers are blooming as though the weather has them as confounded as it does me. I am blooming too. I feel awakened by the fresh breeze and the cold rain on my face as I walk to meet Tom in the evenings. he thinks I'm daft wanting to go for longer walks but it's not like I will dissolve (unless the acid rain is a bigger problem than we originally admitted). I think I must be wind or hydro powered as the sun does nothing to energise me. The cool bright days of Autumn and winter are the ones that lodge in my memory not the heavy humidity of summer heat waves that seem endless.

I got the first cheque through from the insurers this week. It wasn't much but we are still arguing about the sofa and the dining suite which were the two larger items. Haven't heard from the flooring people or about the quote for the kitchen but my new vacuum cleaner arrived on Thursday and is sitting in it's box in the dining room. I guess that shows how eager I am to tidy the place up. The box is sealed and shall probably remain so for the foreseeable future as I really can't see the point in cleaning a place that will still look bad afterwards.
The people from Chemdry came today to check on how the drying out is going. So far the dehumidifiers have removed over 83 gallons of water from my downstairs rooms and they have to stay here for another couple of weeks at least. I am struggling to picture how much water this is. Tell me, are we talking a bath full or less or more?

Listening to-The Hush Sound and The Academy is... Basically because I am a little repetitive like that. Tried Hellogoodbye earlier but I didn't really get the hang of them. Listened to some of the tracks on The Open Door but I wasn't hugely excited by them I am thinking of picking up Paramore's album or the Cute is What We Aim For album next as have heard previews and they seem pretty cool. Any suggestions?

Read- This week I read "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway. I've been told it's quite autobiographical and it was definitely a good read. The language is simple and somewhat child linke but it adds rather than detracts from the story. Did people really drink that much back then? I don't drink at all anymore and even when I used to it was hardly any; I really can't see how they would manage so much alcohol. I live a sheltered life I guess!
The bull fighting aspect of the story mirrored the emotional games that Brett played and I found myself reading on although disgusted with her behaviour in the same way that the characters were compelled to watch the slaughter of the horse and the bull fights themselves.
It is a good study of human nature, although I found myself comparing it to "The Great Gatsby", in honesty I know there are people who will disagree but I personally found Gatsby to be a better read.

Looking for something else to read at the moment, Tom is complaining as I only got the book on Thursday, apparently I shouldn't read so fast. In truth I don't read quickly at all, I just read for sustained periods of time whereas he hasn't the patience.

2nd October

Ever feel like your treading water, waiting for something to happen? I think I am. I have been skiiving off work but don't tell my boss. I sit there at my desk, surfing the net reading news, looking for anything that catches my eye. I spend hours listening to music and writing and thinking about pretty much nothing. I watch as emails arrive in my inbox, check the clock at the bottom right hand of the screen, hell I watch as extra work mounts up and I do nothing about any of it. I sit there and wait until something becomes urgent before I deal with it. I don't think it's a lack of motivation I think its apathy. My job still gets done, but I don't spend a whole day doing it. So I figure either my job is too simple or I am doing something wrong. I just don't care enough to do anything about it all.

Today the builder came to get sizes and stuff for how much work needs doing to repair the flood damage. In true builder style he was over an hour late. To be fair he was a really nice guy, late thirties and interestingly enough a guy who had moved from Essex to here like us. He was here for about an hour so that was again another hour I didn't have to fill with day dreams and clock watching. Turns out that although the loss adjuster told me we would get the whole kitchen replaced he said he was only able to quote to replace the bottom cupboards (not even their doors) and not the work tops. On the other hand he did seem to want to replaster the utility room which wasn't actually damaged by the flood. So not quite sure what's going on there.
Just spoke to the loss adjuster (loving the scouse accent-I so have issues), he said he didn't think there were many top cabinets to replace so would check the quote when it came in and let us know. I think I shall have to make a fuss as the builder said they will normally give in if you query it enough.

Still not sleeping. The nights are interminably long yet by morning I am wishing the day weren't beginning. I'm stuck in a twilight in between place where I never have full energy to carry on but am never near enough exhaustion to sleep. The pillows seem like stones and the sheets rub against me like sand paper. The heat from the dehumidifiers seems to make its way upstairs at night and no matter how wide I leave the windows open I feel stifled and clammy. There have been times when I have been in that place between sleep and consciousness and then there is a noise outside or the cat downstairs and I jolt awake full of unexplained anxiety. I feel as though I'm going crazy that maybe I'm some cartoon character moving at a different frame speed to the rest of my fictional world.

Tom surprised me earlier. This morning we were talking about the shedule for completing the redecoration upstairs while the builders complete the downstairs rooms. We agreed if we are careful we can get it all done by next Christmas; he even seemed interested in adopting then as well. I knew he wanted children but since I can't have any he has always avoided the subject or maintained indifference but if you see him with Robert and Lauren you can tell it means more than he lets on. He suggested we consider fostering first but I don't think I could let a child go after taking it on and loving it. Neither of us is concerned if we got a boy or a girl, it would just be nice to complete the family and hare what we do have with someone else.
Mostly though, I think this highlights the way my mood and perspective shifts when it comes to my relationship, calling it a melodramatic streak doesn't quite cut it. The best I can do is to tell you that I mean the best and just want to be happy, not rich or famous, just happy. Only my heart aches for something I just can't articulate; they say being sad and down about something you can't put your finger on is a sign of depression so what's this a sign of? Hopeless romanticism? Or maybe my cancer-cynicism-is now eating away at my heart.

You are my mirror, one I don't mind as much as the shiny sort. When I look at you I see my insides which are twisted and confused; outside I just look mildly pissed off, very frustrated and a lot plain. I cant shatter you for 7 years bad luck either which is fortunate (should that be lucky?) but you can be edited and deleted unlike the real me which is stuck in this format for the foreseeable future. If someone writes a program to edit humans or rewrite history/memories please let me know.

At war there are no winners

Close the door and stop pretending
Shut your mouth I'm not defending you
Not anymore
So stressed at you I only stutter
I'm leaving you back in the gutter your
Nothing not anymore
Wont hold my breath, count to ten again
I'm happier now than I ever was then your
Nothing not anymore, like you were before

Its game over for us this time
The strength you stole I'm taking back it's mine
Inside I start to cheer
But there are no winners here

Close the door and stop pretending
Shut your mouth I'm not defending you
Not anymore
It's not about the name and shame
Can't see the point apportioning blame on you
Not anymore

Its game over for us this time
The strength you stole I'm taking back it's mine
Inside i start to cheer
But there are no winners here

It's all over and that's fine
please stop wasting all my time
I'll wave my finger in the air, I don't care
About you not anymore

randomness

don't wake me if you see me sleeping, this dream it beats reality,
and while I'm dozing please just leave me to be anything I want to be
don't wake me if you see me sleeping, this dream it beats reality
working weeks and piles of cleaning versus happy endings and chivalry

can't blame a girl for hoping that romance isn't dead
you're one hell of a passion killer so I escape inside my head

**************************************************************************

a girl of contradictions
to put it simply-quite complex
no standard vices or addictions
still flawed and imperfect

she is stolen kisses on borrowed time
like the death row con at last supper time
or the awkward silence on the end of the line
she is regret

the view from her window a lifeline of sorts
with imagined gilt bars on her ivory tower
leaving her prison she keeps a last resort
yet she ponders it longingly on the hour

she is stolen kisses on borrowed time
like the death row con at last supper time
or the awkward silence on the end of the line
she is regret

indecision her paralysis
an accurate analysis
the hardest part of life is this:
taking the chance by living


**************************************************************************
give me another fat lip
your touch a toxic kiss
just like a poison snake bite
and it aint right
but I could never say never to this

we made the bed and we lie in it
for sure a bed of roses
their thorns so thick
like you grip they make me sick
but I could never say never to this

**************************************************************************

I touched your hand you touched my heart
you kissed my lips I fell apart

*************************************************************************
hold back your tears one last time
put your fears behind you, place your hand in mine

**************************************************************************

honey when you hold me it all seems so easy
but babe you misold me, it's not how you said it would be

they say love can build a bridge but we're sleeping under stars
I dream of happy endings whilst your still thinking of new cars

**********************************************************************

Oct 1st 2006

And yet again in the blink of an eye another month has passed. My affections for the summer wax and wane like the moon and I have decided that Autumn is my favourite season. You know that warm feeling as the sun is lower in the sky that almost orange glow you only get in Autumn and the breeze is fresh and you feel alive as if newly awoken from hibernating the baking summer away.

We have had more flood warnings and the environmental health are distributing sandbags in my part of town (southtown) but I have yet to see any. I have even heard stories of people stealing sandbags from their neighbours! Nothing like a disaster to bring people together huh!?

Been reading: websites and stuff like that cos I have no books left but bought a couple of classics on ebay which will hopefully arrive this week. Trying to find a copy of the Divine Comedies (Dante) if anyone can point me in the right direction as I know you have to be fussy with the publishers on that one as the quality of the translation varies.

Been listening to: The Hush Sound- Like Vines and: The Academy is... Almost. Loving the variety of pace and commentary. Looking forward to seeing The Hush Sound at Brixton later this month (wow that's gone quick, only like 22 days till the P!ATD/Hush Sound gig).
Have decided that their track "out through my curtain" is a pretty accurate summary of me. Go figure.

Was shitty ill last night, pretty feverish, thought was going to have to sleep in the bathroom again at one point but made it upto bed eventually. My physics teacher Mr Marshall said that cats conserved energy (during a discussion about Newtons Laws in every day life) but my cat decided to ignore the open bathroom window on the ground floor and climb in through my first floor office window for the night. I wonder if my cat is just weird or if Marshalls theories are just flawed. Once he woke me I just couldn't get back to sleep, felt hot and nauseaous all over again. I think we were probbaly lucky and missed the worst of the storm though. I watched from my office wondow for quite some time as lightning illuminated the sky repeatedly but no matter how hard I listened there was no discernable thunder roll. The rain was heavy for all of about 10 minutes so I don't suppose anyone flooded.

tattered hearts and broken dreams
battered by reality
we're the kids bought up to be different
but thats much harder than it seems

You dreamed of big business while I dreamed of law
high hopes for us all
now we're cross country end to end
not doing dream jobs thats for sure

we don't escape through doors or windows
we escape in poetry, prose and lyrics
long ago true romantics
reborn into die hard cynics

we were going to make it together
we figured we had forever
but the years went so fast
our plans for the future left in the past
now we're grown up
now we're grown up