Another day down and so one day closer to two weeks of no work! I feel lke a kid approaching summer holidays. Don't you miss that feeling? I do. A full six weeks break just seeing your friends hanging out and doing stuff you don't get to do any other time of the year. Then two weeks later your bored, sitting in your room reading a book whilst listening to music and avoiding your parents for fear of being asked to do the dishes or mow the lawn. So for four weeks you sit there hiding in your sanctuary secretly wishing you could go back to school cos you have no pocket money left and you need something to do and you can hang out with your mates at lunch. Then you go back and by lunchtime you wish you were off again! The fickle minds of youth.

Mind you don't get me started on the even more fickle older people! It's not like it used to be is a favourite with them, or in my day! Ha that's nostalgia in full force and even now I find myself saying to tom's little brother that "when I was at school..." I actually have to stop myself.

Got a date through for my new work laptop. 20th September!? What sort of a joke is that? I know that there are people waiting for electricity and mains water to be connected still from the devastation of hurricane Katrina but come one!? I could have walked to comet and bought a new laptop by now. It's already been two weeks where the work I can do is limited to about zero, I'm just lucky that for the next two weeks not having a laptop wont make much difference as i wont have electricity.

As part of trying to make a new start I have gone on a new healthier diet. If I'm honest I use my IBS as an excuse for the poor way in which I eat and to a certain extent it does control my habits. I can't eat dairy produce, citrus fruits and a few other things I'm still finding out about. I can't eat early in the morning or late at night as both make me ill. But because of this I stick to safe foods like breads and potatoes and let's face it, that's not healthy.
I am now on fresh non-citrus fruits, the usual ridiculous amounts of water that I normally intake (probably a few litres a day if I'm honest). And-stop looking so surprised about this one-No more take aways! I have already lost a couple of pounds in weight which is good news but there is a long way to go until I look and feel better. Hopefully this will help with my sleeping habits too.

Still not sleeping well actually. Tom has started to grumble that I spend all night turning over and shuffling about in the bed. I did sleep in the early hours, had a dream but it evapourated almost as soon as I woke up. Why do some dreams stay with you and others don't? Maybe once I start cycling to Tom's nan's house to do the cleaning I will sleep better. Mostly though, I don't think it's exercise or lack of that's the problem, I just don't shut down at night. My mind is like a motor whirring away at full capacity, the workers must be getting some good overtime rates!

Ok so I know I'm not making sense again but I don't know how else to explain myself. A bit like the kid in front of his parents-hands stuffed into his trousers, scuffed knees, with eyes trained on an undefined spot on the floor. I don't know what to say or how to say it. But I want to be understood, I want to be accepted.

Rachel

She'll chew you up and spit you out
She's beautiful without a doubt
A black widow on 2 sexy legs
you're star struck and spell bound
you'll pop your clogs without a sound
caught and happy in her silky web.
Don't be fooled by eyelash flutters or the soft brush of her hand
she's murder under the covers and soon you'll understand.

she's a maneater after comfort food
she's dangerous and she's on the loose

Guilty pleasure brings new meaning with her
beware that coy smile and come and get me purr
she's seen you coming and she wont miss a trick
It's more than lust that lies behind those sensual eyes
know not to trust her blood red pout or child-like sighs
you wont know what hit you, she's as subtle as a brick
Don't be fooled by eyelash flutters or the soft brush of her hand
she's murder under the covers and soon you'll understand.

Didn't do too much this weekend in the end. Although my friend went to Reading festival and said it was fantastic despite the rain.
It amazes me really, the people who go to these festivals are supposed to love music yet just because a particular act isn't something they like they throw bottles and abuse. The singer from Panic! at the Disco was hit on the head with one and actually ended up face down on the stage apparently. Music is by it's very nature subjective why not go watch another band if you don't like the one you are listening to? Let's face it just by performing at Reading/Leeds they are acknowledged to have talent so let other people enjoy them.

I had a couple of weird dreams last night that I wanted to write about before they slip back into my subconcious. In the first people were being murdered (not a new theme for my dreams) and I was doing the laundry and found that Tom's stepdad's shirt had blood on it. I had stumbled upon the serial killers identity without meaning to. After this it went into my typical being chased feeling, having to escape and yet needing to go back to try and stop him from killing more people. I remember a car park and a train station and hiding behind cars in the half light while waiting for him to leave. I don't remember exactly what happened but he was some sort of vampire and had known I was there all along. I woke up, not sure why really.

In the early hours of the morning I slipped into another dream. I was at the beach and it was raining heavily, it was early evening but the thick clouds lay like a blanket on the horizon making it almost night, we were inside the American Diner I think and I remember suddenly spotting the brightest rainbow from the windows. The colours were spectacular and I went outside to see it better. I followed my friend Nita outside. I haven't seen her in years and in honesty I probably haven't thought about her much either so why was she so clear in my dream?

When I got outside the rainbow was gone but there was a green light in the sky again very beautiful. I turned to Nita and asked if it was the Northern lights and she told me it was. We stood and watched it for some time; then out of nowhere I was following my parents through a housing estate on a slope, the rain was pouring down but for some reason we couldn't go back to the car. Somehow I know I am still near the beach but this landscape is nothing like where I live in reality. The rain is coming down in sheets and they want to go down a heavy incline of grass. I keep slipping and sliding in the mud my heeled boots sinking into the grass and catching in roots. That's about when the alarm went off.

I haven't read or seen anything on TV about the northern lights and have had no reason to be thinking about them. So my dreams last night seem oddly clear yet random. I wonder what they mean, the significance of individuals and acts. Symbolism so obscure, yet the images remain so familiar.

Tom thinks I'm just crazy which is a fair bet but when do you stop searching for the meaning behind something? I'm telling myself something that I feel is important but what? Why can't I just write myself a note huh?

4 More days to go....


They say time flies when you are having fun but I genuinely believe that it flies no matter what you're having. It seems like just weeks ago I was waiting for the end of quarter four at work and now It's almost quarter three all over again. It's the same personally too; I remember booking my tickets for the Panic! At The Disco gig in Brixton and thinking it was months away, well October doesn't seem so far off now. This weekend my friends will be seeing them amongst most of the other bands I like at reading Festival (lucky sods), I hope the weather holds for them.

Whilst they are screaming along to some of the best music around I am at home (surprise surprise) trying to decide what's next for me. I was planning on getting piano lessons but this went on hold after my ipod was stolen and money my family sent me for my birthday had to be used to buy a new one. It might strike a lot of people as pathetic but I can't last a day without music and as such my ipod is a survival essential. Music gets me through the day, it helps me adjust my mood and focus on whatever the task at hand might be. Yet at the same time it is a welcome distraction from the monotonous routines of daily life. I quite often wonder how much more interesting life would be if I did something different (don't worry im not suggesting I should have been a ballet dancer or an astronaut) but if you did do something extraordinary would you settle and feel your life was standard and boring? Would you still get into a rut and want something more? I guess what I'm struggling to ask is- is the grass really always greener on the other side?

Have you noticed how questions are only ever answered by more questions? When your a kid you believe the simple black and white justifications, something really is either right or wrong. You get yes or no but maybe doesn't count. As a child you rest safe in the knowledge that telling your folks what's wrong will make it all better; that apologising for a mistake corrects it but as we grow we realise that our parents are as helpless as us and that I think is where fear of failure starts. If no one can fix your mistake how do you avoid making them? The only way of doing that is by not doing anything and inaction, seems at least to me, to be the biggest mistake.

I apologise for the lack of sense and order, I type as I think which is pretty much how I speak these days. I know part of it for me is not seeing enough people and being ridiculously insecure about the funniest thing. I mean I can fully articulate aerobic respiration which I haven't studied in over 5 years but I can't string a sentence together competently in public these days as I am so busy wondering what the people I am speaking to are thinking about. Told you it's stupid. Lately I have even found my self saying the exact opposite of what I meant because I was thinking of something totally different. My mind wanders and I can't catch it quick enough. It's not that I find people boring it's more that I float freely in consciousness rather than being tethered to the here and now. haha I did write the word nice just now rather than now and with no explicable reason. I think that might highlight the point.

Anyway (again totally out of any reasonable order) I think and speak almost at the same time now, there is little or no censoring between these two actions and I can only imagine the awkward expression on my face as I admit something to a friend or colleague that I had though but had no intention of revealing. Do I have foot in mouth disease?? haha it happens a lot.

Well a while back I was saying I couldn't pay for piano lessons cos I had my ipod stolen. I did report it to the police but the officer told me the guy I said stole it "wasn't the type" and "didn't look the sort" and as such I "must have dropped it between the taxi and the house". For the record the taxi was about 7 foot from my front door. I sat in the taxi and got my keys out my handbag as it was a heavy thunderstorm that day. I then struggled to get my suitcase from the taxi and take it to the door. The driver didn't offer to assist me in any way but it is the 21st century and women did fight for equal rights! I get in side the house put the suitcase down, nip to the bathroom say hi to cat and who proceeded to tell me he missed my tickles and then thought I should charge my ipod before I go out later. That's when I realised I didn't have my ipod or my bag with my medicine in it. Thankfully my wallet had been in my pocket. I know where the bag went and I know who took it and now has a shiny ipod with music that I seriously doubt is to his taste. But I'm a woman living in a constabulary where women have no brains and are incapable of knowing where they put things. In fact this is an area where men know best, the woman really does get chained to the sink and is only let go for certain other services and to take the kids to school. So it's gone.

The moral of that story-the police are still sexist and suffer from a disease called i can't really be bothered, much like me.
So it's really no surprise that when I bought an ipod on eBay it turned out to be a fraud. I lost my 170 quid but decided there was no point even telling the police. om on the other hand being an ex cop himself said I should. Having pointedly refused he reported it and ta-da! yet again the police were not bothered or interested. they even told him to track down where the money had ended up for them if he wanted them to persue it. What do they get paid for? I know not all police are the same but there is little wonder people don't like, respect or trust them.

I might try again at the booking piano lessons thing, after I get back from holiday depends on how much money we have left. My ultimate goal is to be able to write music, good stuff not the basic sort of thing I contritely force my fingers to tap out now. I think it should help my normal writing too as I will have a better grasp of how the two aspects come together. well that's the idea anyway.

Today I am listening to Fallout Boy-Take This To Your Grave. I love the anger and complete vitriol of Pete's lyrics their bitter sentiments contrast the sweet guitar riffs and catchy melodies. My current favourite on that album is a tie. Tell That Mick... is superb and the chorus is just deliciously angry whereas Dead on Arrival is a softer tune that strikes a chord with how I feel.

See ya later

Rachel

I feel guilty and it's a pity
cos your busy fighting demons
and you can't win with the baggage that you hold.
We're just like Romeo & Juliet, but that's a joke you'll never get
when it's this easy to forget, or so i'm told.

Forget the star-crossed lovers
I prefer starless skies
To dream of countless others
as in dreams love never dies

why can't I find words that say what I want them to? "I'm an addict from dramatics I confuse the two for love.." Taking back Sunday- Liar. Odd since people totally unconnected with completely different lives can articulate my bigger flaws effortlessly.

how about.... "All I want for christmas is a bigger vocabulary and better understanding of syntax" doesn't have much of a ring to it does it? Haha well yesterday my colleagues and I wrote an email to my boss's boss's boss (that make sense?) actually asking for a target!? What's wrong with us? We have been working for the last five months towards a target we haven't been set (even though they paid us as only being 50% of that fictional target) selling services that may or may not be included in our portfolio. Hey I might start selling cars next week and see if they will pay me for it. Thought that a nice touch on the email would to be to have copied santa claus in as maybe they would see that we are at the end of our tether now. Oddly enough the boys didn't have santa's current email address.

Yeah this attempting to work is going well. I'm having a debate with a colleague about scrabble but it's not really about scrabble which has led me to think mostly about subtext and reading between the lines. It's funny really, most of our communication in life is non verbal but so often we miss the signs or see what we want to. just cos someone says its nice to see you again it doesn't mean it is. it could be something they have been avoiding (honestly i don't know much about that har har) or it could be that they have missed you but are unsure and don't want you to recoil (that one i realllllly don't know much about).

You see it in the movies all the time. Boy meets girl they both like eachother intensley but no one is willing to make a move as they havent the guts to trust their instinct and read between the lines. Ironically as much as we would probably all like to have that one moment; when the on-off couple take the plunge, where the tension could be cut with a knife and your screaming at the screen to just kiss; most of us would let that moment pass us by. Living is the hardest part of life. taking a chance and risking being wrong; mostly we don't like the stakes and let the opportunity slip through our fingers like grains of sand as time evades us in the same manner.

This scrabble conversation has become rather more than odd. I don't mind innuendo and my family always moan about my poor language (which could be compared to that of a sailor and in the process offend the sailor) but this is just weird. I wont go into details and besmirch my clearly flawless reputation further but even I am confused by this one. In fact I simply don't know how to respond anymore.

today I am a 19 year old stuck in a 23 year olds body, a new experience as normally im like a 30 something stuck in a 23 year olds body. Which is worse? I want so little and I have so much, yet what I want is so much rarer and greater than all I have; has anyone seen the exit sign lately?

Ok So I can't be arsed with titles, those one-liners that are cliché or moderately unfunny. I am the unoriginal prankster, you know it took several attempts to come up with a link that wasn't already in use. Haha maybe that should tell me something? Could be that I'm not alone, or more probably that I should just give up now right!?

It's been a weird and busy month or so. This month I have had 3 different ipods (there is a logical reason for this); I've been robbed and defrauded (on separate occaisions) gotten a year older without getting a year wiser. I bought a huge tent and finally booked my first holiday in about 3 years (woohooo), saw my best mate for the first time in ages; travelled for the equivalent of days which is somewhat of an achievement considering I work from home, went to see my folks; had a variety of power cuts, killed my work laptop, wanted to kill my boyfriend, and just about survived with a little sanity (debatable I know).

I should try and remember to breathe every now and then too, it could be useful.

In the last couple of months the weather has been more than changeable. July saw temperatures as high as 36 C along with some charming sunburn; whereas August is the wettest I have seen. For the past fortnight we have had a thunderstorm almost everyday. The last two weekends there has been widespread flooding throughout the town. For someone who doesn't believe in luck and fate I feel rather fortunate. I live on a flood plane but my part of town was hardly affected. My boyfriends retail park saw significant damage when several stores roof's collapsed under the weight of all the water. One store wont reopen for another six months and at his work, my boyfriend is replacing huge quantities of stock while the dehumidifers wring hundreds of gallons from the place.

It has certainly made me appreciate what I have. I sat there moaning that my dining room floor was soaked with water when not so long ago hurricane Katrina devoured countless homes across the Atlantic in America. All we had was a little excessive rain. It goes to show that he (and probably you) are right about me, I am selfish.

Today the sky is azure blue the way I feel my eyes should be when I think of you. A Blue and yellow helicopter is circling above, it's arc well within view of my office window. the air is warm but dry for the first time in weeks and everything feels alive. The plants look greener than before and seem to have grown inches if not feet in some instances. It's like someon has messed with the contrast on the remote. Did you see the white dove with the olive branch? Oh sorry that was just a story.

Spoke to my mum earlier, she seems fairly happy, she asks what's on my mind but how do you tell someone that it's them that your thinking about? I wish she would let me send her private, it's not normal for someone so young to struggle like she does but parents are the worst at being ill and just as bad at accepting help from their offspring. There was a lot of silence on the telephone, maybe it's developing another fault or maybe that's me?

Today I want to escape, to hide away in the hills somewhere picturesque, maybe with a log cabin, perhaps an open fire. Just the two of us away from all that drags us down and binds us. I think the escape would be perfect, just us and the constant tapping of the rain on the cabin windows creating simple music against the crackling fire and the scribble of my pen. My pen is no mightier than a sword and my words are rarely cutting but sometimes it's slow subtleties that hit home hardest.

Music I'm listening to right now is Taking Back Sunday, Louder Now. I'm not angry but it suits my feelings. It's capricious and violent but catchy with intenseley clever lyrics. Maybe I should get out more if that's what suits my mood?

I should attempt some work really.

Rachel