27/09/2007

If I could just remember to forget or maybe forget to remember I might be a better person. But does ignoring a memory and moment in time make you better or just ignorant and naive?

I know that reversing one irreversible conversation would change the next years of my life and dry the tears I tried so hard to choke on but what is done can't be undone, and I am not a good enough person to forgive or smart enough to forget.

Mum, I love you, despite what you say and totally believe to be true. I accept who you are but cannot know you anymore. So here is the goodbye I never said and here's to the memories you'll never get to share. My wedding and your first grandchildren, birthdays and christmas yet unwritten. I will not think of you and in that act you are right that I am selfish. I cannot think of you my throat is tightening, my eyes are filling and I cannot breath, yet the world has a water shortage and I am welling up.

I miss the old you, the real one that's buried and hidden inside. I miss my mother and friend in which I would confide, I hold onto the good moments but the bad ones wont let go. For all the good times and memories you have erased I have nothing to prove myself to you.

Get help. Get better. Be the woman I used to be so proud of again.

I love you, from the bottom of my heart and the back of my mind where you will always stay.

Goodbye

Back Waters

For such a small country we have an astonishingly different attitude and way of doing things in different parts of the country. Back home if I had booked the wedding they would be asking for payment asap but here I have tried to settle balances but they wont accept my money. I don't quite understand how someone can run a business like that but they obviously do!

work has been tough, I have been covering my colleague for 7 weeks now, I am making him money but failing to make any for myself and it is getting demoralising when I know that its the base I work not my abilities that hold me back.

The car insurance people have failed for yet another week. Again we are told to expect the cheque in the post and again we wait struggling to pay things like council tax in the meantime.

Going to Mum and Dad's next weekend, we have friday saturday and sunday off and I haven't seen them since the begining of January just after my hospital trip.

Redecorated the bathroom, just need to refit the taps, and change a couple of things like the toilet seat then that's one more room complete. All that's left is the three bedrooms and hanging some doors then we are done and ready to have a couple of holidays whilst applying to adopt.

So where in the world would I like to go? Tom and I discuss this almost daily but he seems non committal on anywhere that's not 5*. I know he wants to make sure I stay well but we only live once and I am willing to risk things if it means I can see some of the world.

-The Amazon
-Egypt, the tombs and the nile
-Australia
-New Zealand
-Safari in Africa
-Sri lanka for elephant orphanages
-Borneo and the orang-utan sanctuaries
-Victoria Falls, Zambia
-America
-Canada

1st-2nd September

It's been a while since I last sat down and updated this so here goes.
Tom and I spent last weekend together but it started with an omen (if you believe in those things and I don't) and went kind of down hill from there.

The postman delievered more of those white envelopes Saturday Morning, one was the GMC saying they had asked the JPH to advise if my consultant had an other complaints against her. Big deal. The other was a response to my complaint about her direct to the hospital. It's important to note that she did not apologise or admit any error even though she had wrongly diagnosed me and treated me with harmful medication. In fact, she went as far as to say that it was my body being different that was the problem which laughingly proved my point rather than hers, as she had known I had a slightly different anatomy she should have looked harder as she had already pointed out that, "it is known that with these types of congenital abnormalities that organs can be in different locations" this being such she obviously couldn't be bothered to do her own job properly.

In regards to my concern that she had given me harmful medication she said that plenty of women take the contraceptive pill and do not get ill, which according to her is a higher doseage.

Again she proved my point. I was prescribed 50mg oestrogen daily for the rest of my life, women on the pill take either a progesterone only pill or a combination of oestrogen and progesterone. In the mostly commonly used combined pill in the UK there is 30mg of oestrogen and 150mg of progesterone. The side effects I described are symptoms of oestrogen domincance which is when the body has too much oestrogen and not enough progesterone to counter it. The female body needs 4 times as much progesterone as oestrogen but she failed to consider this.

My response to the letters was to try and write a letter straight back but Tom didn't look happy about it and clearly wanted to enjoy his weekend off. In the end I gave up and tried my stepford rach routine. Works nicely for him but I spent the night with one bad dream after the other waking between each for just long enough to feel miserable and disorientated.

By sunday afternoon we had argued to the point where he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed for walking away from him. I don't know what he thought it would achieve but I just took his keys left the house and locked him inside. I will not be hurt like that. We made up in the end, stupid argument but I was really upset about the letters still and never being allowed to deal with them when he is there. Being with someone is supposed to be about supporting eachother through the bad as well as the good times, and I know we have been through a lot of dark days recently but I still need a hand to hold in mine when it all gets too much.