16/10/07

We can’t go back, on our steps retrace, I find it hard to keep pace with the world around me. I lost my rhythm and my faith, maybe misplaced amongst the broken dreams and shattered hearts all the damaged tomorrows that fell apart at my touch. I tried too little then too much to make things work but I had no luck, and she was no lady at any rate, a cheap whore who sold herself short. Till my pockets were empty and she was all talk.

I am no sales person. I believe in truth, another folly of my vanishing youth, that I chased after and now mourn for. So many years gone but so many more to go or so I’m told a healthy life and I’ll grow old just to fade away like a dying star, light years away; so close but yet so far. The distance between us just a trick of the light, that changes monthly with the moon and every passing night that falls away, like the autumn leaves throughout the days I waste. To think of you, your smile so chaste, inviting me for one last taste and then goodbye; your lips the truth in such a beautiful lie. A masterpiece to the naked eye so well constructed only to be destroyed by the insecurity locked up inside.

Who Knows

So it's been a few days since I updated this but I guess I have been trying to order my thoughts. Dreams have been vivid again and life has been strange.

Every day for the last week I have had a splitting headache by 2-3pm, the only thing I can do to stop the pain behind my eyes is to close them so I guess it's lucky I work from home otherwise I might get some odd looks from my colleagues. My one to one was a bit of a misnoma (if you can have a bit of one rather than being one or not). I was offered a new patch which sounded great and they offered to send me to a senior managers meeting this friday. The patch was duff and would have made my situation far worse, although a word on the quiet with a colleague of mine has lead me to believe that it wasn't meant as a trick offer but more that the management don't know our jobs well enough. As for the managers event I have my suit ready and will be up at stupid O'clock to get to London on time.

Dreams- I had this dream a few nights ago that I can only vaguely remember now but it was a funeral for someone on Tom's side of the family, a burial rather than cremation as I remember the cemetary and it was raining then really sunny. There was a little girl with really dark long brown hair and she was with me the whole time.

Two dreams last night, both of which were slightly less subtle in meaning and symbolism. Both were set on our holiday to the dominican republic. In one, I went with my parents there, they were going after just one week and mum was really ill and grumpy (no change there). I was supposed to be spending the second week with my boyfriend but this girl turned up who thought I was dating her and for some reason even though I didn't know her I let her stay and my parents left even more angrily than they would have. My parents were saying and implying that the only reason I was with this girl was to annoy them and because I was medically imperfect and couldn't do anything even have a child. I was really hurt but then everything kind of fades.

In the second Tom and I were on our honeymoon, it was lovely at the resort but we decided we wanted to transfer to the other resort which was supposed to be the same standard over in mexico for the second week. When we got there though there were kids at the adults only resort and nothing was as nice as the DR one. I remember Tom was queuing for breakfast and I decided not to go with him and went out onto the beach. There was a woman there with a sign who said she could read dreams and people so I sat down and she told me things that I can't remember now about me but I the emotion I carried from that was sad.

This was all probably prompted by an email I sent to the hospital yesterday chasing them for a response to my complaint as the 25 working days has now elapsed.

I was in a litigious mood yesterday and ended up sending a formal complaint about a manager in glasgow. This guys team are all underperforming and as my team passed a bunch of accounts to them at the end of quarter 1 he has been trying to find deals which we should have given to his team to claim. He highlighted about 500K worth that he felt should be given to his team and taken off of mine. I managed to prove the 150K of mine needed to stay mine but not everyone else was as lucky. During my debate they implied that whilst the dates on the contracts were definitely for when I would have been responsible for the accounts that I might have asked the customer to backdate them to make that happen. This is fraudulent and a disciplinary offence. I openly told them to be careful about what they accused me of as slander wouldn't be tolerated but they didn't apologise and still requested additional proof for me to keep work I had done myself. So once I had proved it I decided to give them the same bad day as they had given us by raising the complaint which will require a formal apology and retraining on core behaviours and reduce their scores in the annual review. The moral of the story is that unless you have evidence don't make accusations.

Ok so I probably sound really mean but whilst I might not have actually been offended by the comment I was angry at their audacity in the whole thing and the way in which we were treated. Whilst I couldn't do anything about that directly I could certainly make it so they would avoid contacting our team in future and this was the quickest way.

Well more puppy classes tonight. It's raining again which isn't a surprise anymore and I am ill again. I haven't had a meal since sunday but on the upside I guess I am loosing weight.

Lucky

We have a new addition to the house here now. I bought a little puppy, a black labrador called Lucky. He has the softest brown eyes and a tail that seems to be powered by the renewable energy of a happy voice. Just say something and it wags a little faster, tell him he is cute and he rolls for his tummy to be tickled. Another replacement for the fact that I can't get pregnant, that's what he thinks so he wouldn't refuse to let me bring Lucky home. He is probably right, I need something to love that will love me unconditionally in return and no one is more faithful than a dog to it's owner.

Lucky was 7 weeks when we picked him up, that makes him 9 weeks now. He isn't exactly peeing in the right place but he is trying. he is so eager to please that within the first few days I managed to teach him to sit and shake paws. You can jus whisper the command and he bottom drops to the floor, tail sweeping the ground quickly, his paw lifts without the second word mostly, he knows he is so clever!

I have spent the last week trying to teach him to lay down on command but this is more tricky it seems. He gets so excited that he starts to lay then pops right back up again. I have scratched and nibbled hands, a sign of unadulterated excitement.

Picture this, a little lack puppy skating around on my laminate floor as he races after a fluffy white cat with cat fur hanging from his mouth; the cat pulling his angriest face as he raises his paw at the puppy. It looks like trouble until you get closer and hear the cat is actually purring!!

05/10/2007

I have found myself counting the days again. I am supposed to be better and yet my outlook calendar at work has two date marked this month. One is the day I should get a response from the hospital to my last letter regarding my ongoing complaint that they gave me harmful and unnecessary medication. The other is a letter from my solicitor regarding the independant surgical review from the first of the two hospitals, the one that left me to die.
Tom cringes when I tell him that this is the first thought on my mind in the morning and the last at night most nights. He apparently can choose what he dreams about. Is life really that simple? Am I choosing to hurt myself and relive the hardest moments nightly? Why would I?
I find myself working through the legal and medical arguments, that link each hour of my hospital stays I find myself crying over the pointless futility of a fight against a hospital with its own legal team and just me. David and Goliath. Only I have no slingshot and this is for real.

My dreams are of snow. Walking bear foot in the crunching fresh snow trying to keep up with my family who walk far faster than me, wrapped warm in their winter coats. Only it isn't winter in my dream and I am supposed to be somewhere but I can't remember where and I know I am letting everyone down.

Not a scary dream, just sad. Better than dreams of sharks and midnight chases; hospitals; rogue surgeons and relentless storms on the beach but they keep me awake and puzzled. I search for meanings rather than sleep, my morning eyes are evidence of this but he doesn't seem to notice. far safer than talking about feelings and treading the same story arc again and again.

Fightstar

"We apologise for nothing" They might not but I find myself apologising for everything even when it's not actually my fault. Not anymore sugar! From this day forward I bite my tongue (and probably say ouch instead).

Anyway's. I just wanted to clear the air as I probably didn't make any sense before, if ever. I seem to have lost my mum, misplaced her, put her down and can no longer find her, the thing is have seen her but I can't remember when the last time was. I mean I saw someone who looked like her a few weeks back on 14th of September for a few days but while the resemblence and address were uncanny she just wasn't the same. It's like opening two books with the same cover and author only to find out that they have a different story inside. And I guess that's the crux of it. The woman who is now biologically my mum isn't my mum anymore not inside.

It hurts a lot but she has gone and I don't think she will ever come back. I thought that at my age I would be too old to need my mum but this year I have needed her more than ever. Three separate admissions to hospital in six months, a wedding being planned and a growing sense of doom (damn I'm being melodramatic there) and I find myself wanting to call her just to talk and here a little normal life going on.

Back on Christmas day I couldn't have dreamed that things would be like this. Back then I was sat on a hospital bed, my loving parents had driven for hours to come and see their only daughter and if nothing else that Xmas had gone right, I had the christmas gift of a family that loved me. Only a week later and I am admitted again, same symptoms this time a diagnosis and emergency surgery. The major difference-my folks don't drive down. Maybe they figured I was going to die so it was a waste of time. Maybe they just couldn't be bothered. Who knows. I felt alone, but hospitals are a lonely place. I am alive and well (mostly) my folks told me how worried they were and how relieved they now are yet when I told them I had set the date for my wedding they refused to come. I guess this is when I realised that my eyes just hadn't been open for a long time when it camr to my parents.

Well, I don't want to carry on rambling, although I am ridiculously good at it. to cut this lifelong story short my folks have refused time and time again to discuss my wedding and will not come. Tom's parents hav offered to speak to them about it but as my parents have only met them once in the last 6 or so years we have been together I can't see it being a good move. So having tried for a few months to solve this over the phone we went to visit them on 14th september. I asked my dad outright about it and he said I should speak to my mum again. I bit the bullet when everything seemed ok but I clearly misjudged it. The subject was taboo for the whole stay not even a word could be said. I was more than upset and Tom ws a little confused. I think, to be honest, that he had only half believed me when i said that she refused to discuss anything related to the wedding.

She rang me on the 25th for some pointless cold conversation and then suddenly launched into vitriolic attack on me. In short, I am a terrible persona dn a worse daughter, I did terrible things throughout my life and she wants nothing further to do with me.

Now seems the time to explain that My mum has been eccentric for years, boardering and corssing into odd and these days down right weird. I'm not being narrow minded or harsh. I genuinely believe that she requries medical help. She only leaves the house to walk the dogs. She wont go into shops or answer the phone unless she knows who is ringing. She has re written our childhoods on a whole range of points, some pretty nasty blaming us of some terrible things and others really inane and harmless but still irritating.

A good example is that my mum turned 50 this year she isn't old. She went to work in the garden digging so put on work boots. Later she went into the house too them off and used the bathroom. My dad came home from work to find her in the garden digging again, with one sandal and one slipper on. Not quite sure what happened to her boots but she hadn't even noticed.

The telephone converstion lasted about 25 minutes most of which she spent yelling and accusing me of things I know just arent true because I remember them well, infact if you asked a friend or two of mine who were there in many cases they would remember them too but she wont accept that she is ill.

So. I lost my mum. On my wedding day there will be no parents of the bride but there will be whispers of what the bride has done to make her parents not want to come. Ok so that might be paranoid but people love to gossip.