27/09/2007

If I could just remember to forget or maybe forget to remember I might be a better person. But does ignoring a memory and moment in time make you better or just ignorant and naive?

I know that reversing one irreversible conversation would change the next years of my life and dry the tears I tried so hard to choke on but what is done can't be undone, and I am not a good enough person to forgive or smart enough to forget.

Mum, I love you, despite what you say and totally believe to be true. I accept who you are but cannot know you anymore. So here is the goodbye I never said and here's to the memories you'll never get to share. My wedding and your first grandchildren, birthdays and christmas yet unwritten. I will not think of you and in that act you are right that I am selfish. I cannot think of you my throat is tightening, my eyes are filling and I cannot breath, yet the world has a water shortage and I am welling up.

I miss the old you, the real one that's buried and hidden inside. I miss my mother and friend in which I would confide, I hold onto the good moments but the bad ones wont let go. For all the good times and memories you have erased I have nothing to prove myself to you.

Get help. Get better. Be the woman I used to be so proud of again.

I love you, from the bottom of my heart and the back of my mind where you will always stay.

Goodbye