21/08/2007
Most people will admit that seeing a brown envelope on the door matt makes them cringe or sigh, another bill or reminder. I have a morbid curiosity with the small white envelopes that appear every now and then. These days I spend a lot of time waiting for them to appear, but when I reach the matt I find myself holding back, almost unwilling to touch it. In truth I want, no, need to know what is inside but I am terrified of the answers I will get and a few deeps breaths isn’t enough to steel me against any news.
No news is good news. I always wondered how people could say that, a definite answer means you can accept it and move on. But today I am at my desk struggling to focus on work because today I realise that no news really would have been good news. When you are waiting for an answer you have hope that it will be whatever you are looking for, but when you have it, hope is gone. I make no sense and I know that but it’s so hard to describe that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I slide down onto the sofa envelope in hand. The breathless anticipation, or anxiety at the very least, as I tear it open and pull the latest letter out.
"Dear Ms Mallen….. We have considered the concerns you raised about Dr Jane Preston and have concluded that your complaint would be best handled by the doctor’s employer….We will only carry out enquiries of our own, if the results of local investigation call into question a doctor’s fitness to practise."
For the above please read: "Dr J Preston did not actually kill you or give you any lasting physical injuries that we are aware of, she may well have provided harmful and unnecessary medication and given an incorrect diagnosis which resulted in you needing counselling, however, we feel that she is still fit to practise as a doctor on other patients in the NHS."
I think the world ground to a halt when I read that. I was getting over the fact that my lawyer wouldn’t sue Dr Preston because she was on a no win no fee basis but that the General Medical Council are supposed to protect patients from unfit doctor’s and I was prescribed a carcinogenic drug that wasn’t required and would have been given daily for the rest of my life.
I spoke to a different lawyer hoping someone would be willing to take my case but he said as there was no physical injury they couldn’t. Ironic as he pretty much said I should have waited until I got cancer. Apparently what I have been through just hasn’t been enough, the extra symptoms, nightmares, counselling that I should probably arrange more of but don’t want to as I don’t want to ruin my chances of a new role in the company. I am in catch 22. The incident is on my mind every day while she wont ever give what she did another thought. The legal justice system in the UK is blind.
Your probably sick of hearing me say this but, I cried. I tried to talk to my mum who said I either needed to find someone to take my case or let it go, but whilst I’m sure she made sense and meant well I can’t figure out where to go next and emotionally I can’t forgive or forget what happened to me. I hurt too much inside too often and thanks to the handy work of two hospitals I no longer trust the judgement of people who have trained for years in their field of expertise and might well be proficient in their role.
Kind of makes you realise how frustrated dogs must get when they chase their own tails. Round and round they go, so sure that this time they will catch it. So close but so far, the goal is always in sight but forever out of reach. (unless they have a bloody long tail).
So today I am angry, frustrated and hurt all over again. I should be working on my notes for tomorrow’s presentation but instead I am typing this to try and calm myself and give myself perspective. There are 6 billion people on this planet going about their daily lives, I don’t even know a fraction of them but I do know that we are all alone until we let down our guard and accept that people might fall short of our expectations but equally they might be more than we ever hoped.
No news is good news. I always wondered how people could say that, a definite answer means you can accept it and move on. But today I am at my desk struggling to focus on work because today I realise that no news really would have been good news. When you are waiting for an answer you have hope that it will be whatever you are looking for, but when you have it, hope is gone. I make no sense and I know that but it’s so hard to describe that feeling in the pit of my stomach when I slide down onto the sofa envelope in hand. The breathless anticipation, or anxiety at the very least, as I tear it open and pull the latest letter out.
"Dear Ms Mallen….. We have considered the concerns you raised about Dr Jane Preston and have concluded that your complaint would be best handled by the doctor’s employer….We will only carry out enquiries of our own, if the results of local investigation call into question a doctor’s fitness to practise."
For the above please read: "Dr J Preston did not actually kill you or give you any lasting physical injuries that we are aware of, she may well have provided harmful and unnecessary medication and given an incorrect diagnosis which resulted in you needing counselling, however, we feel that she is still fit to practise as a doctor on other patients in the NHS."
I think the world ground to a halt when I read that. I was getting over the fact that my lawyer wouldn’t sue Dr Preston because she was on a no win no fee basis but that the General Medical Council are supposed to protect patients from unfit doctor’s and I was prescribed a carcinogenic drug that wasn’t required and would have been given daily for the rest of my life.
I spoke to a different lawyer hoping someone would be willing to take my case but he said as there was no physical injury they couldn’t. Ironic as he pretty much said I should have waited until I got cancer. Apparently what I have been through just hasn’t been enough, the extra symptoms, nightmares, counselling that I should probably arrange more of but don’t want to as I don’t want to ruin my chances of a new role in the company. I am in catch 22. The incident is on my mind every day while she wont ever give what she did another thought. The legal justice system in the UK is blind.
Your probably sick of hearing me say this but, I cried. I tried to talk to my mum who said I either needed to find someone to take my case or let it go, but whilst I’m sure she made sense and meant well I can’t figure out where to go next and emotionally I can’t forgive or forget what happened to me. I hurt too much inside too often and thanks to the handy work of two hospitals I no longer trust the judgement of people who have trained for years in their field of expertise and might well be proficient in their role.
Kind of makes you realise how frustrated dogs must get when they chase their own tails. Round and round they go, so sure that this time they will catch it. So close but so far, the goal is always in sight but forever out of reach. (unless they have a bloody long tail).
So today I am angry, frustrated and hurt all over again. I should be working on my notes for tomorrow’s presentation but instead I am typing this to try and calm myself and give myself perspective. There are 6 billion people on this planet going about their daily lives, I don’t even know a fraction of them but I do know that we are all alone until we let down our guard and accept that people might fall short of our expectations but equally they might be more than we ever hoped.
posted by stunted at 3:38 AM
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