08/08/2007
I miss being a kid and having 6 weeks off in the summer, being bored and stuck doing chores for my folks. I miss the homework rush a week before the end of the holidays and the way the days just seemed to last forever. I miss a lot of things that I have always taken forgranted. I want to start over. Turn the page and begin again, a new story where the protagonist doesn't make so many blindingly obvious mistakes.
Medical website says that serous cystadenomas have a 30% chance of being malignant. That makes me a pretty lucky girl in some respects. I've had two of them and both were apperently benign. In other senses to have had any in the first place was pretty bad luck. It's all in the toss of the coin. Medical websites also say that a torsion requires surgery within 6 hours, and if there is a haemorrage (excuse my spelling) it requires immediate surgery. So what's with living for 7 days in this condition? Well anything over the 6 hours means I had no chance of saving my ovary. Goodbye leftie. Statistically speaking I'm very lucky to be alive.
Remind me of this late at night when I feel so alone and the monsters in my dreams bleed over into reality for just a few moments when you just aren't sure if there really is something about happen.
The other night I was chased by a sea monster and I was only in this tiny boat. The boat was heading for shore but even when we ran up the beach the monster kept coming. There is no escape when the beach is closed in by cliffs. There is no escape when your subconscious has it in for you.
The car insurance people have upped their offer by 500 so we have accepted. Cut and run before they change their minds. Tom is taking me to the zoo on Sunday. We are going down to Colchester, we haven't been to the zoo there in years, infact I think the last time we went we took Robert and he couldn't have been more than 6. He hid behind us when we were looking at the lions. The animals are separated from the guests by perspex and he was terrified they could get through but morbid curiosity had him peeking from between us. A day as a family, well almost. yet another reminder of what I wanted so much. Thankyou churchill, you leave me 500 closer to paying for the wedding and so 500 closer to the family I am hoping for.
I will never leave my child to stay in hospital alone when I know he/she must be so scared. So many lessons learned this year about life and what I do and don't want, I thought i was mature before but I think now that I need to unlearn a few things, forget the seriousness sometimes so I can learn to have fun and remember how to be happy again.
Lazy summer afternoons cutting the next door neighbours lawn, getting into a grass fight and catching frogs by the pond. Cricket in the park with my brothers, when they still cared if we all existed or not. And ice cream at Rossi's whilst avoiding doing revision. Little things.
I feel so calm these days, but so sad too. I need to snap out of this daze, I can't spend lunch hours researching what happened to me and night times forever punishing myself for not having fixed it. I can't forever punish Tom and hide away from him, we are only human and people get tired of being pushed away or argued with over nothing. I love you. Not something, I say so much at the moment, but something that I feel and brings tears to my eyes.
Thank you Tom, though you will never read this. Thank you for being there, and putting up with me, thank you for listening when you want to sleep and thank you for looking after me and supporting me in your own way even though I don't always appear to appreciate it.
Thank you for caring and loving me when I have been cold in return.
I love you.
Medical website says that serous cystadenomas have a 30% chance of being malignant. That makes me a pretty lucky girl in some respects. I've had two of them and both were apperently benign. In other senses to have had any in the first place was pretty bad luck. It's all in the toss of the coin. Medical websites also say that a torsion requires surgery within 6 hours, and if there is a haemorrage (excuse my spelling) it requires immediate surgery. So what's with living for 7 days in this condition? Well anything over the 6 hours means I had no chance of saving my ovary. Goodbye leftie. Statistically speaking I'm very lucky to be alive.
Remind me of this late at night when I feel so alone and the monsters in my dreams bleed over into reality for just a few moments when you just aren't sure if there really is something about happen.
The other night I was chased by a sea monster and I was only in this tiny boat. The boat was heading for shore but even when we ran up the beach the monster kept coming. There is no escape when the beach is closed in by cliffs. There is no escape when your subconscious has it in for you.
The car insurance people have upped their offer by 500 so we have accepted. Cut and run before they change their minds. Tom is taking me to the zoo on Sunday. We are going down to Colchester, we haven't been to the zoo there in years, infact I think the last time we went we took Robert and he couldn't have been more than 6. He hid behind us when we were looking at the lions. The animals are separated from the guests by perspex and he was terrified they could get through but morbid curiosity had him peeking from between us. A day as a family, well almost. yet another reminder of what I wanted so much. Thankyou churchill, you leave me 500 closer to paying for the wedding and so 500 closer to the family I am hoping for.
I will never leave my child to stay in hospital alone when I know he/she must be so scared. So many lessons learned this year about life and what I do and don't want, I thought i was mature before but I think now that I need to unlearn a few things, forget the seriousness sometimes so I can learn to have fun and remember how to be happy again.
Lazy summer afternoons cutting the next door neighbours lawn, getting into a grass fight and catching frogs by the pond. Cricket in the park with my brothers, when they still cared if we all existed or not. And ice cream at Rossi's whilst avoiding doing revision. Little things.
I feel so calm these days, but so sad too. I need to snap out of this daze, I can't spend lunch hours researching what happened to me and night times forever punishing myself for not having fixed it. I can't forever punish Tom and hide away from him, we are only human and people get tired of being pushed away or argued with over nothing. I love you. Not something, I say so much at the moment, but something that I feel and brings tears to my eyes.
Thank you Tom, though you will never read this. Thank you for being there, and putting up with me, thank you for listening when you want to sleep and thank you for looking after me and supporting me in your own way even though I don't always appear to appreciate it.
Thank you for caring and loving me when I have been cold in return.
I love you.
posted by stunted at 10:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home