Did you come to stare or wash away the blood?
Yesterday was a great day as far as weather went, we went to the beach at lunch and there was nothing huge that happened but slowly I slipped away. It happens more frequently than it should but something will be said or done and I just shut down. I stop talking unless I have to, I curl up and I hide away bottling it all up inside until it becomes too much and I invraiably spend the night in silent tears listening to tom sleep.
Yesterday it was a combination of insignificant things. My boss refusing to change my DPR ratings which wa an insult to me and pretty much shutting the door on any new role within the company for another year. Then there was our bank balance going down due the car problems we have had which mean we can do less and less and are dropping behind in paying for stuff that should be done by now. Finally Tom forgot it was my birthday and booked us to see his nan on his day off.
Silly stuff I know but it all made me think of the promises I made to myself when I was off sick. This year would be a ne begining, this year i would start to make things happen and not just let go of my plans and dreams. I would achieve something with my life. Looking back I haven't changed much of anything and that's the crux of it. I am still a broken trapped girl who is as lost as she was when she last had a counselling session. I am no better, I am far worse. I know I am ill still but am too scared to do much about it.
In counselling I decided I needed to start my life over, begin again and look to the future but everytime I try and take a step forward I end up taking two backwards. I wanted to improve my career so I studied towards my exams, was the first person to pass and have worked hard but when i try and move on at work they shut the door firmly in my face. I can get nowhere. When I have looked externally to improve my career I have been told that agencies could easily get me a better job if I didn't live here.
In my personal life i spend as much time alone as I ever. This year I will be spending my birthday alone as Tom forgot it and didn't book the day off work. I have made no new friends here because I have no need to leave the house and I am aware of just how isolated I have become. I mean if I wasn't isolated I would be saying this to someone rather than badgering the keypad in front of me.
When I was growing up all I wanted was to fall in love, get married, be a barrister then take a career break to have my family in a nice house with a dog. No aspirations to be famous or super rich. But I have given up that particular career path and my current road is also blocked. As for the family I can't have kids and it's killing me inside these days. I feel useless, if I'm no good at work then I should be good at the whole domestic thing but I'm no. So what's the point in me? Why am I here?
I cried so hard last night my lungs were burning and stil he slept as peaceful as ever. I feel hopeless, as in devoid of hope. I just can't see a way forward. Everytime we get better financially something happens and we are back to square one. At this rate we will never finish the house and adopt a child.
I have never understood how people could kill themselves but last night for the first time in my life I could understand how you might desperately want to escape your life, to want to be anything or anyone other than you no matter how you might have to achieve it. Only running away is for stories told to children at bedtimes about fairytale princesses with happy endings. There is nowhere to run. In the real world I have responsibilities, bills to pay, people I care about even if they barely remember me. Unlike the summer holidays where you could look forward to a new begining, a chance to be someone different and the whole world seems new, here once a mistake is made, its there for good. There is no turning back on this road. If you trip and fall daddy wont be there to pick you up and make it better. Saying sorry changes nothing. And I am so scared.
Yesterday it was a combination of insignificant things. My boss refusing to change my DPR ratings which wa an insult to me and pretty much shutting the door on any new role within the company for another year. Then there was our bank balance going down due the car problems we have had which mean we can do less and less and are dropping behind in paying for stuff that should be done by now. Finally Tom forgot it was my birthday and booked us to see his nan on his day off.
Silly stuff I know but it all made me think of the promises I made to myself when I was off sick. This year would be a ne begining, this year i would start to make things happen and not just let go of my plans and dreams. I would achieve something with my life. Looking back I haven't changed much of anything and that's the crux of it. I am still a broken trapped girl who is as lost as she was when she last had a counselling session. I am no better, I am far worse. I know I am ill still but am too scared to do much about it.
In counselling I decided I needed to start my life over, begin again and look to the future but everytime I try and take a step forward I end up taking two backwards. I wanted to improve my career so I studied towards my exams, was the first person to pass and have worked hard but when i try and move on at work they shut the door firmly in my face. I can get nowhere. When I have looked externally to improve my career I have been told that agencies could easily get me a better job if I didn't live here.
In my personal life i spend as much time alone as I ever. This year I will be spending my birthday alone as Tom forgot it and didn't book the day off work. I have made no new friends here because I have no need to leave the house and I am aware of just how isolated I have become. I mean if I wasn't isolated I would be saying this to someone rather than badgering the keypad in front of me.
When I was growing up all I wanted was to fall in love, get married, be a barrister then take a career break to have my family in a nice house with a dog. No aspirations to be famous or super rich. But I have given up that particular career path and my current road is also blocked. As for the family I can't have kids and it's killing me inside these days. I feel useless, if I'm no good at work then I should be good at the whole domestic thing but I'm no. So what's the point in me? Why am I here?
I cried so hard last night my lungs were burning and stil he slept as peaceful as ever. I feel hopeless, as in devoid of hope. I just can't see a way forward. Everytime we get better financially something happens and we are back to square one. At this rate we will never finish the house and adopt a child.
I have never understood how people could kill themselves but last night for the first time in my life I could understand how you might desperately want to escape your life, to want to be anything or anyone other than you no matter how you might have to achieve it. Only running away is for stories told to children at bedtimes about fairytale princesses with happy endings. There is nowhere to run. In the real world I have responsibilities, bills to pay, people I care about even if they barely remember me. Unlike the summer holidays where you could look forward to a new begining, a chance to be someone different and the whole world seems new, here once a mistake is made, its there for good. There is no turning back on this road. If you trip and fall daddy wont be there to pick you up and make it better. Saying sorry changes nothing. And I am so scared.
posted by stunted at 5:19 AM
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