Sticking to Tradition

Surprise! It's a Bankholiday Monday in the UK and it's....RAINING. Ok so don't all gasp at once but the sky has opened above us and the rain is falling in almost icy sheets. The sky is so gray I have my light on and whilst I would love to comment on how the branchs of the trees are being whipped into a frenzy by the ferocious winds I can't as from here all I can see is telephone lines bouncing around. I mean it's still windy but bouncing telephone lines doesn't have quite the same literary effect does it!

Last night I had a weird dream, it might not sound it by the time I finish putting fingers to keyboard but thats the way with dreams, they just evapourated the more you try and recount them. Anyway I was in Germany it was WWII and I was trying to escape to France but there was some form of time machine too (stop laughing I can hear you) and I was only a kid. I can't really remember much more than the basic concept now but I know I was desperate to leave and I am fairly certain I was supposed to be German. Who knows. It certainly beats dreams of hospital wards and hypodermics.

Haven't done much over the weekend (hangs head in shame), went to the supermarket yesterday and had an odd experience with a couple of guys. That sounds pornographic when taken out of context. It was pouring ith rain when I left the store so I had my trusty brolly in one hand and my shopping dragging down my other hand. I had to squeeze to get past these two blokes who were taking up the whole path along the front of the store and they were aware of me too as one looked right at me and still refused to move. Anyway, it was too wet and dank outside to be bothering with all that so I had walked off the premesis and half way up to the main roundabout when the same two guys cross the road and start walking directly in front of me, they even slowed down.
Being paranoid as I am I had clutched my brolly firmly and was ready to give them a run for their money. Well I slowed down too as I was not going to move past them and not be able to see them but they slowed down to almost standstill and I had no choice. I walked past them and sped up. The road curves round at the roundabout (funny that) enabling you to see the path you have just taken, as I looked the two strange men had crossed the road to the other side and started walking back down to the shop!? Now if the weather had been nice I would have assumed their girlfriends had gone inside to pick up the shopping and they were just skiiving outside but it was pouring with rain and pretty cold compared to the recent weather. Maybe I see ghosts where there are none but they appeared three times in the short walk home and their behaviour made little sense.

Ordered my dad his fathers day and birthday presents, nothing special but it's difficult to get stuff delivered up there when you don't have a credit/debit card. If they still aren't seaking to me after that then they really are more childish than even I gave them credit for. 7 weeks of not speaking to the one child that actually does still talk to them and all because we invited family to our wedding. Life is too short, I guess if they don't want to be a part of mine then that is their problem as I can't always be the mediator in this family.

Watched: Ugly Betty, this programme really is pure class. I am such a chick!
Listening to: Lies for the Liars by The Used. Loving the theatricality of Their first single (esp the strings) and The Hospital kind of makes me relate to the past 6 months. Some really catchy guitar riffs and interesting lyrics.
Reading: Nothing really, unless you count Kerrang! magazine but I was bored.
Feeling: achey, I don't know what I did to my shoulders in bed last night but they are pretty sore. Also pretty content today, I love the rain the problem is it makes me want to cuddle up on the sofa with a nice hot drink and good movie which is an issue as most hot drinks make me ill and there are no decent movies at the moment damnit.

Ok so I have ranted enough except for one last quick thing. The phone company I work for sucks, they have tried to charge me 200 for fixing my phone socket which is their equipment and broken by flood damage. if the boxe outside had been damaged by the flood they wouldn't have had the balls to ask me to pay. Ongoing complaint with the useless call centre staff. This might take a while to resolve.

26/5/2007

No time to read this week, but it doesn't mean I'll succeed. Almost no time to breath some days but I'm not sure I'm gonna go that way. I found that I am tanned a golden brown, but do appearances matter when nobody sees you? Does what's inside really count? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and eyes skim the surface, they judge books by covers and rarely read the plain ones.

I have my advantages. I am female and fairly young still. This may seem irrelavant but in today's equal opportunity society women get the better deal. We have equal rights but men still hold doors open for us (the nice ones anyway) and daft little things like that. How strange it is that behaviours can be so engraved in the human psyche that even though political correctness is rife we still revert to traditional acts subconscously.

I have had my team changed. I now work for Lite Touch rather than Mid Touch. Unless you are a genius or work with me this means nothing. In plain speak, I have gone from having 7 account managers to just 1 full timer and 2 part-timers. At first I felt annoyed and somewhat insulted, but having seen the proposed target I have decided that my pride can be bought. I might yet be proved wrong but my target should be fairly easy to achieve earning me some good money this year.
My manager might well have moved me from my current virtual team to a new one but he has at the same time asked me for assistance. The lord giveth and he taketh away. I have a somewhat undeserved reputation as "the queen of revenue" within my department. All this means is that I can massage figures to earn us all money. If only massaging the ego were as lucrative. So now I have to champion the revenue for all of the ICT guys; as 50% of our bonus is dependant upon the revenue aspect I think these guys should do my sales for me and I do the figures. Alas life is never that simple!

Wednesday I had a call from Reed recruitment, they had arranged a job interview with a small coms company locally. They couldn't tell me what the job would be or the salary but being as I am quite easy going like that I went anyway. The interview was yesterday afternoon. I arrived early and the staff were very pleasant. The company seems pretty good and they are now driving towards convergence which is a wise move at this stage. Turns out there were three jobs available. One for selling switches, one as an account manager and one as a technical consultant who would work for all three companies within the group. My interview was with the managing director who was later joined by their network guy. Both were very friendly and helpful. Normally at interviews I get so nervous and tongue tied I stop talking and just smile and nod as much as possible but there was little time for that. I was asked questions on VOIP/IPT, SIP, building LAN's the different WAN products I can advise on, CoS etc. As I was so nervous I made quite a few terrible jokes. I'm not so blind I wasn't aware I did it. I think I either came across as an idiot, really confident and smart or arrogant and cocky.
The general gist was that they felt the Account Management role wouldn't interest me and that the switch role would be the same. So there I was trying to sell myself as a technical specialist whenI have no engineering qualifications and sell from the comfort of my own office rather than customer sites. Turns out that they are concerned that at this stage they might not be far enough down the road of convergence to keep be busy "enough to get my teeth into" was the phrase he used. I get the distinct impression I oversold myself or that they were brushing me off. I don't have a driving licence so would need to learn pretty quick as there would be a need to visit customer sites (approx 10 per week). Still no idea of the salary, the job looks quite good really and I could do with a change. I should find out if they want me for a second interview next week.

We have baby birds in our nest box in the garden! They are blue tits and there are at least three little fluffy chicks. The parents are so devoted, the fly back and forward all day almost synchronised in their approach, I don't know where they get their energy from as they are so quick to return they can hardly be eating anything themselves. Still it is quite touching to see that even if humanity can't look after its children properly there are animals that do a good job.

So it's been about 2 weeks since my last counselling session. Have broken down in tears once I think and that was in bed last weekend. I had a pain on my left side and my mind started reeling towards the idea that I might end up in hospital again. Once I mentally went there I wasn't coming back. I cired for ages reliving what had already happened and worrying about what might happen. After a while I rolled over and started to cuddle my sleeping tom who promptly worke up grumbled loudly flung me away from him snapping "what the fuck are you doing?". Of course this didn't ease my mind. I turned away, sheepishly apologised and he started ranting (getting quieter but still going as he started to settle back to sleep). I think I managed to bite my tongue for about 3 minutes of this lecture on how I was evil and didn't need a good reason to wake someone up or do something mean!? After that I quietly said, "and you wonder why I have to see a counsellor to have someone to talk to" he soon realised that he had been a little tactless. We talked briefly he apologised and I explained that I had been upset but hadnt meant to actually wake him. I think since then he has been waking up at night and checking on me.

Going to try and leave the counselling for a while and see if I can cope without. I feel silly that I need to go and tel a stranger so much becaue I am incapable of saying exactly how I feel to anyone I actually know. This is the human condition, or mine at least. The written word is so much easier than looking in someones eyes (or in my case staring at the ground) whilst trying to articulate a feeling or personal problem.

Anway I am rambling, there is loads more I want to say but I wont, it is pointless and aggravating at best.

A 3 day weekend to be spent totally alone. 7 weeks since I last spoke to my parents and they haven't tried to phone once to see if I am ok. The walls are closing in but I am getting stronger, I wont let my world shrink like it has been anymore. I am enough for me.

This Could Be The Last Time

It's silly really but since Xmas that has been a phrase on repeat in my mind. You never really expect the last time you do something unless you are planning it but we don't generally plan on dying or never speaking to someone you care about again. Things just snowball or mushroom out of control and there you are looking back realising that something you thought nothing of doing was the last time you were ever going to be in that place or moment.

That makes no sense so I am sorry. Having truly realised just how fragile life is I have started trying to make the most of it. Little things really but now I can honestly say that I tell people what I want or am thinking. There isn't enough time in life to just hope people will guess how you feel about them or anything else. The only thing is that I can't seem to overcome my stubbornness. Anyone that has known me for some time will know that I am from the typical dysfunctional family. That, sadly seems the norm in today's society. Having invited people to my wedding my parents have decided that they no longer want anything to do with me and are not going to speak to me again. FYI they are in their 50's and should get a grip and act their age not their shoe size. I say this with a certain amount of hypocracy as I have only made one attempt to speak to them since this happened over 6 weeks ago. Nevertheless, I only plan on marrying once and don't see why I should only be allowed to have two guests at my wedding and why Tom and I shouldn't be allowed to have our friends and family around us. Being stubborn as I am I sent out a huge pile of invitations; my friends see me and make more of an effort with me than my parents do. I was admittedly naive in my belief that they would overcome their childishness and come to the wedding anyway seeing as I am their only daughter, their first child to marry and I nearly died a few months ago. I was sorely mistaken.
I wonder where I get my stubborn streak from!?!

Went to Reed Recruitment Monday morning and registered with them. Need to drop my passport round at some point but hopefully they will find me something to apply for soon. After that I was on the train to Brentwood in the rain and cold. Spent the afternoon catching up with colleagues then met up with Jo, Alan and Mike for a lift into Romford. It was good to catch up with Jo while I was down, we don't see much of eachother now I have moved which is sad really as we like a lot of the same things and are able to argue without it affecting our friendship.

The evening was great, I walked to Tom's parents house and was greeted by an enthusiastic Lauren (if we were a puppy she would be a cocker spaniel, wagging her tail, barking and jumping in spasms of excitment but I digress), we read a book together and watched some TV, Robert was over tired and getting grouchy but who can blame him right. After they went to bed we sat and talked for a while and I realised I have more to say to them than I do my own parents. Sorry to my folks who I am sure love me in their own way but as they fail to even try and participate in the world conversation can be quite limited.

Cisco Course was interesting, day one was spent lulling me into a false sense of security. I sat there thinking, "I know all of this wow I am so going to pass this test". Oh, but I hadn't seen day Two's agenda at that point. Things are never as they seem. The second day of the course was dull and detailed, to be honest I foudn it hard to concentrate preferring to stare and make the odd bored expression at Andy sitting opposite me or swapping notes with Patricia. I have a copy of the slides though so at least I can revise before the exam.

The second night with the kids was great. Sat with Robert while he did his maths homework. He is so bright, I doubt I was doing squares, cubes factors and roots when I was his age. He hardly needed any help and I was really impressed with his work ethic-he did two days worth of homework when he didn't need to. Lauren read me a book (the same one as the day before so now I know a lot about scarves), she went for a bath then ran around like a mad thing before settling on the sofa with me for a cuddle and then bed. Really made me broody. They may well argue and scream and all of that but they are such lovely children, their folks are very lucky.

Thursday was a day of catching up on my work and friday was Oneview training so I haven't actually had much time to myself this week. That sounds like a complaint but it isn't, I have mostly enjoyed being out and having things to do.

Haven't done any reading this week.
Listened to: Tales Don't Tell Themselves (Funeral For A Friend) and both All American Rejects Albums.
Watched: Scrubs (missed a few days worth darn it), Ugly Betty (love it) and Heroes (begining to wonder exactly where they are heading with this show).

Tom is off tomorrow, we will need to visit his Nan to check she is ok but other than that no plans.

As usual, Tom had Friday off and decided he wanted to do some more gardening, we now have yet another fruit tree, this time a dwarf nectarine plant. He also picked up some strawberry plants and decorative bedding plants. We need a bigger garden.

Tom decided in the bath last night that he would ideally like twins when we adopt, one boy and one girl, with no contact agreements with their previous families. Apparently it's so he doesn't have to decide whether he wants a boy or girl!? I thought my mind worked in convoluted ways!

The day after yesterday

The original plan for my week looked something like this:

Monday- Bank Holiday sit at home read, maybe watch some tv
Tuesday-Trip to the office for training approx 220 mile round trip and 6 hours on the train
Wednesday- morning in Norwich for counselling (last session) then back home for afternoon of work 50 miles approx round trip
Thursday- Trip to London for a kick off event at the Hilton Metropole approx 8.5 hour round trip and 280 miles
Friday- Trip to the office for team meeting then home (you get the idea).

Thankfully the week didn't pan out like that although I suspect that I have only prolonged the inevitable. Monday went as expected really. Spent some time reading my social science book about the English which is still entertaining me more than it probably should.

Tuesday Tom kindly drove me to Norwich station rather than dropping me in Yarmouth which left him to do a 12 hour shift (poor guy) and me to catch an earlier train. This actually worked out to my advantage as the train I normally get hit a jumper over in Kelvedon that morning at about 9:00am. Not something I would have wanted to witness. I wonder what makes a person think that jumping in front of a train is a good idea? I get that the end result is preferably death (although not guarenteed from what i read in the times last sunday) but why cause such a disruption, and potentially devastate the life of the train driver? It strikes me as somewhat selfish to end your life in that kind of way but maybe there is some kind of symbolism in the act itself that I am missing.

Anyway, was lucky that i missed the event and managed to get to work reasonably on time. The training was a total waste, it was aimed at new people really, the instructor was reading off of the slides which she had purely cut and pasted from our own website! after about an hour we had a break and then refused to rejoin the class. For the record while there was some minor heckling we did bow out of the trainin with a certain level of tact and sensitivity as I am certain that the instructors weren't the ones who had designed the course.

I have proof- she advised us that our wireless broadband routers were 802.11 grams. However she was sorely mistaken as the text was "802.11g" which is the protocal that they operate using. It was a somewhat cringe worthy moment for anyone who works in comms.

Counselling Wednesday threw up a real surprise. Well a couple actually. During the session she asked about how much I talk through my problems with Tom and other areas around that topic, while explaining the situation at home I said I love him and actually burst into tears. I know, at the moment this probably isn't an unusual event but normally in my life (prior to operation) I wasn't prone to getting emotional about these sorts of things. I guess from how quickly I choked up that I actually do love him somewhat more than I realise. Maybe counselling does do something.

My second revelation (well not quite) was that I apparently need further counselling. The more cynical individual can rest assured that this recomendation wasn't made for moneatry reasons as my counsellor has a contract forbidding her to go beyond the four sessions paid by my company as such she couldn't benefit from recomending further treatment. To be honest I was stunned. Speechless actually. I had automatically assumed right form the start that It would be four sessions then somehow they would say I am fine but she said that have a lot of emotion and pain still to deal with and that four sessions was really just "dipping my toe in the water".
Don't know whether I will try and sort out more sessions, have been thinking that a break from them would probably be advisable and then if I fall apart again I can arrange more.

Letter from the solicitors arrived, apparently they finally have all my medical records, an independant nurse will be going through them and indexing them to ensure none are missing then they will go off to a doctor who will assess the situation. This will take 8-12 weeks after which my solicitor will ring me to discuss what we do next and go through the exact claim.
At some point during reading this I realised exactly how much I need my claim to be successful. not for financial reasons but because there is no way they will ever admit what they did was wrong and the only way they will be held accountable is through the legal system.
I just hope that we are able to satisfy the burden of proof.

Thursday was quiet in the end. I didn't bother attending the event in London as I had a lot of work to catch up on.

Friday Tom drove me to the office and I met my new tier 2 manager. She talks down to people, which could potentially get quite irritating if it werent for the fact that I will only see her once a month at most. Not convinced that the new pay plan is driving the correct behaviours amongst sales people in my part of the business but have voiced my opinion and can do no more.

Found out that whilst I am the only specialist who is fully trained on voice and data services I am the second lowest paid! Not impressed but this is unlikely to change.

Going to register with Reed recruitment on Monday on my way to brentwood office, hopefully they will have something for me to apply for.
Will be in Brentwood until wednesday, am staying with the in-laws so probably babysitting duty (yay, i say this sincerely as I am a little strange). The plan is that Tuesday and Wednesay are my Cisco Sales Expert training, then Thursday I register myself for the Cisco exam which needs to be done within 2 months of the course. Hopefully I can get certified and then recruited by someone else who pays their staff a decent wage! I live in naive hope.

Looking forward to the smahing pumpkins comeback album later this year.

Listening to: anything random. need new music.

Blue and Yellow

Over the last week or so we have had a ridiculous amount of sunshine and a such I have actualy gone a kind of tanned colour. This is a new state of being for me, even after my trip to the caribbean I didn't change colour!

Like my mood this weekend, the weather has turned. The rain is light but persistent, I have been leaving the house in a thick coat and feel undeniably angry. I don't know if this happens to anyone else but there are days in my life when all I want to do is pick a fight. I pity Tom who generally takes the brunt of this but he invariably has days like these too. It could possibly be that everyone has this issue or just that over the years we have taken on eachothers attributes both good and bad and are the only ones who deliberately pick a fight purely for fightings sake.

Last night the argument started becaue I refused to make him a cup of coffee. How benial is that? I am not a servant or housewife and we had both had the day off. From that point on it went downhill childishly quickly like a kid on a slide. He stopped talking to me, so I started poking him and lamely singing made up songs about what and arse he can be. He then upped the anti by telling me what a waste of space I was and other insults so I upped the stakes again by asking him why he is marrying me if he feels like that. I wont bore you with the rest but by the end of the evening I had gone to bed and told him to sleep elsewhere, he tried to get in bed so i threw water at him and we got into a physical fight. Nothing serious, just poking, verbal threats and him holding me down trying to strangle me while I laugh. He said he totally gets why men beat their wives!? Funnily enough we went to bed as friends.
It isn't healthy and i know that but we have those moments, just the same as we have days when things are as perfect as I think real life will ever be.

Ok so now to be brutally honest (if the above wasnt enough). We were in the car yesterday talking about the purpose of different species in the world. His colleague used to race greyhounds and said that when he retired them he would put them down. I found this abhorrent but his belief was that they were born to race and as they were no longer "fit for purpose" he would get them put to sleep. My only response to this is that kevin was born to work and procreate and as he is past the fathering age and his work is somewhat substandard presently, maybe they should threaten to put him down and see how he likes it.
Unfortunately Tom didn't see how much this whole topic was bothering me or that I was being far from ironic when I had made me statement. His response was that as I cannot bear a child and women are born (purely on a species basis) to breed that I am either not human or shouldn't be alive.

I know he didn't mean anything by it but he fails to understand that those are the exact feelings I had when I was first diagnosed and again this year with all my hospital stuff. I'm not asking for sympathy just trying to express myself and get this out of my system before it turns into another argument.

My final therapy session is Wednesday this week, I have been finding them easier to go to but it seems that now I am capable of openly admitting my problems and feelings in a "safe" environment that they are finishing the seesions and I will need to pay if I want to continue to get better. This seems somewhat fasicious and I must admit I am concerned that going back to just holding back again will be difficult and a negative step.

Since starting my therapy I have had less outbursts of tears and been able to focus more on the positive aspects of my life. I guess I would sit in that room cry and say what was really on my mind no matter how irrelavent and then put it aside for another 7 days knowing that it ws only being temporarily bottled back up.

My only real frustration with the counselling process is that there has been no real guidance on how to deal with my problems long term. My anger and frustration at the things that have happened, whilst having been identified have not been quelled in any way. I have admitted that I need to know how to let go of these things and put the past to one side but there has been no discussion of how to do this. As I am writing right now I am getting more frsutrated and feeling less at ease.

So putting that aside to avoid a totally unnecesary rant in my life...

Going to the office tomorrow for training, then counselling Wednesday, was supposed to be London on Thursday at the Hilton then Brentwood on Friday again but managed to get out of Thursday as wont get any work done this week at all otherwise. Going to be a surprisingly long week for a four day week!?

Reading: Watching The English by Kate Fox. It's a social science book. Scarily accurate in it's account of how the English behave, speak and think. I totally relate and seeing it from an outsiders perspective have realised how ridiculous some of our habits actually are. Well worth reading and very ammusing. It has highlighted to me how abnormal us English are and that it isn't actually "those Damn Americans" that are being strange.

Listening to:
Lifehouse, was trying to find a wedding song and Ste suggested this band. very good, kinda reminiscent of The Calling.
Linkin Park, not bad really. Love the first single "What I've Done". My only problem with this band is that whilst Chester Bennington has a fantastic voice the rapping by Mike Shinoda detracts from the music for me.
Funeral For A Friend- Into Oblivion. The first single from Tales Don't Tell Themselves. I don't mind admitting that since the first time I heard this song I have been desperate to get a hold of a copy of both the track and the album. Album out shortly but in the meantime the single was released today. Picked it up on iTunes and listened a couple of times already. Love it. The guitars are superb, the intro works well with the synth being quite soft then breaking straight into the guitars. Whilst at first glance the lyrics may seem somewhat defeatist "I stared into oblivion" the song is most definitely uplifting with a sense that the writer felt that they have now come out the other side. I would tip this as being a big hit this year both as a single and album. To me this could well win awards as single of the year. If not thwarted by the evil Avril Lavigne and Girlfriend. (Cringe).

Ok totally aside from all this just wanted to say something that will make people want to vomit. Last night Tom was making his own lunch for work the next day and he randomly said, "I think I will be good at making our childrens school lunches." I think I did a double take (thought only cartoon characters did this) and repeated "Chil-dren? as in more than one?" He walked to the fridge stuck his lucnh inside and turned back saying, "well yeah, one would get lonely so we have to have more that way they can play together". Dare I say that this made me all warm and mushy on the inside. Needless to say this was sometime before our argument.

I think maybe we need to get a little less argumentative before we adopt but I suspect we will do fine.


Ok so if wondering why the title it's because when I started the blog my first thought was to check my arms for bruises form last nights argument. Then I started to wonder why our bruises go yellow. I mean I get the purple and blue kinda colours cos that's to do with the blood cells but yellow is one I haven't quite figured out yet.

Oh Well.