26/5/2007
No time to read this week, but it doesn't mean I'll succeed. Almost no time to breath some days but I'm not sure I'm gonna go that way. I found that I am tanned a golden brown, but do appearances matter when nobody sees you? Does what's inside really count? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and eyes skim the surface, they judge books by covers and rarely read the plain ones.
I have my advantages. I am female and fairly young still. This may seem irrelavant but in today's equal opportunity society women get the better deal. We have equal rights but men still hold doors open for us (the nice ones anyway) and daft little things like that. How strange it is that behaviours can be so engraved in the human psyche that even though political correctness is rife we still revert to traditional acts subconscously.
I have had my team changed. I now work for Lite Touch rather than Mid Touch. Unless you are a genius or work with me this means nothing. In plain speak, I have gone from having 7 account managers to just 1 full timer and 2 part-timers. At first I felt annoyed and somewhat insulted, but having seen the proposed target I have decided that my pride can be bought. I might yet be proved wrong but my target should be fairly easy to achieve earning me some good money this year.
My manager might well have moved me from my current virtual team to a new one but he has at the same time asked me for assistance. The lord giveth and he taketh away. I have a somewhat undeserved reputation as "the queen of revenue" within my department. All this means is that I can massage figures to earn us all money. If only massaging the ego were as lucrative. So now I have to champion the revenue for all of the ICT guys; as 50% of our bonus is dependant upon the revenue aspect I think these guys should do my sales for me and I do the figures. Alas life is never that simple!
Wednesday I had a call from Reed recruitment, they had arranged a job interview with a small coms company locally. They couldn't tell me what the job would be or the salary but being as I am quite easy going like that I went anyway. The interview was yesterday afternoon. I arrived early and the staff were very pleasant. The company seems pretty good and they are now driving towards convergence which is a wise move at this stage. Turns out there were three jobs available. One for selling switches, one as an account manager and one as a technical consultant who would work for all three companies within the group. My interview was with the managing director who was later joined by their network guy. Both were very friendly and helpful. Normally at interviews I get so nervous and tongue tied I stop talking and just smile and nod as much as possible but there was little time for that. I was asked questions on VOIP/IPT, SIP, building LAN's the different WAN products I can advise on, CoS etc. As I was so nervous I made quite a few terrible jokes. I'm not so blind I wasn't aware I did it. I think I either came across as an idiot, really confident and smart or arrogant and cocky.
The general gist was that they felt the Account Management role wouldn't interest me and that the switch role would be the same. So there I was trying to sell myself as a technical specialist whenI have no engineering qualifications and sell from the comfort of my own office rather than customer sites. Turns out that they are concerned that at this stage they might not be far enough down the road of convergence to keep be busy "enough to get my teeth into" was the phrase he used. I get the distinct impression I oversold myself or that they were brushing me off. I don't have a driving licence so would need to learn pretty quick as there would be a need to visit customer sites (approx 10 per week). Still no idea of the salary, the job looks quite good really and I could do with a change. I should find out if they want me for a second interview next week.
We have baby birds in our nest box in the garden! They are blue tits and there are at least three little fluffy chicks. The parents are so devoted, the fly back and forward all day almost synchronised in their approach, I don't know where they get their energy from as they are so quick to return they can hardly be eating anything themselves. Still it is quite touching to see that even if humanity can't look after its children properly there are animals that do a good job.
So it's been about 2 weeks since my last counselling session. Have broken down in tears once I think and that was in bed last weekend. I had a pain on my left side and my mind started reeling towards the idea that I might end up in hospital again. Once I mentally went there I wasn't coming back. I cired for ages reliving what had already happened and worrying about what might happen. After a while I rolled over and started to cuddle my sleeping tom who promptly worke up grumbled loudly flung me away from him snapping "what the fuck are you doing?". Of course this didn't ease my mind. I turned away, sheepishly apologised and he started ranting (getting quieter but still going as he started to settle back to sleep). I think I managed to bite my tongue for about 3 minutes of this lecture on how I was evil and didn't need a good reason to wake someone up or do something mean!? After that I quietly said, "and you wonder why I have to see a counsellor to have someone to talk to" he soon realised that he had been a little tactless. We talked briefly he apologised and I explained that I had been upset but hadnt meant to actually wake him. I think since then he has been waking up at night and checking on me.
Going to try and leave the counselling for a while and see if I can cope without. I feel silly that I need to go and tel a stranger so much becaue I am incapable of saying exactly how I feel to anyone I actually know. This is the human condition, or mine at least. The written word is so much easier than looking in someones eyes (or in my case staring at the ground) whilst trying to articulate a feeling or personal problem.
Anway I am rambling, there is loads more I want to say but I wont, it is pointless and aggravating at best.
A 3 day weekend to be spent totally alone. 7 weeks since I last spoke to my parents and they haven't tried to phone once to see if I am ok. The walls are closing in but I am getting stronger, I wont let my world shrink like it has been anymore. I am enough for me.
I have my advantages. I am female and fairly young still. This may seem irrelavant but in today's equal opportunity society women get the better deal. We have equal rights but men still hold doors open for us (the nice ones anyway) and daft little things like that. How strange it is that behaviours can be so engraved in the human psyche that even though political correctness is rife we still revert to traditional acts subconscously.
I have had my team changed. I now work for Lite Touch rather than Mid Touch. Unless you are a genius or work with me this means nothing. In plain speak, I have gone from having 7 account managers to just 1 full timer and 2 part-timers. At first I felt annoyed and somewhat insulted, but having seen the proposed target I have decided that my pride can be bought. I might yet be proved wrong but my target should be fairly easy to achieve earning me some good money this year.
My manager might well have moved me from my current virtual team to a new one but he has at the same time asked me for assistance. The lord giveth and he taketh away. I have a somewhat undeserved reputation as "the queen of revenue" within my department. All this means is that I can massage figures to earn us all money. If only massaging the ego were as lucrative. So now I have to champion the revenue for all of the ICT guys; as 50% of our bonus is dependant upon the revenue aspect I think these guys should do my sales for me and I do the figures. Alas life is never that simple!
Wednesday I had a call from Reed recruitment, they had arranged a job interview with a small coms company locally. They couldn't tell me what the job would be or the salary but being as I am quite easy going like that I went anyway. The interview was yesterday afternoon. I arrived early and the staff were very pleasant. The company seems pretty good and they are now driving towards convergence which is a wise move at this stage. Turns out there were three jobs available. One for selling switches, one as an account manager and one as a technical consultant who would work for all three companies within the group. My interview was with the managing director who was later joined by their network guy. Both were very friendly and helpful. Normally at interviews I get so nervous and tongue tied I stop talking and just smile and nod as much as possible but there was little time for that. I was asked questions on VOIP/IPT, SIP, building LAN's the different WAN products I can advise on, CoS etc. As I was so nervous I made quite a few terrible jokes. I'm not so blind I wasn't aware I did it. I think I either came across as an idiot, really confident and smart or arrogant and cocky.
The general gist was that they felt the Account Management role wouldn't interest me and that the switch role would be the same. So there I was trying to sell myself as a technical specialist whenI have no engineering qualifications and sell from the comfort of my own office rather than customer sites. Turns out that they are concerned that at this stage they might not be far enough down the road of convergence to keep be busy "enough to get my teeth into" was the phrase he used. I get the distinct impression I oversold myself or that they were brushing me off. I don't have a driving licence so would need to learn pretty quick as there would be a need to visit customer sites (approx 10 per week). Still no idea of the salary, the job looks quite good really and I could do with a change. I should find out if they want me for a second interview next week.
We have baby birds in our nest box in the garden! They are blue tits and there are at least three little fluffy chicks. The parents are so devoted, the fly back and forward all day almost synchronised in their approach, I don't know where they get their energy from as they are so quick to return they can hardly be eating anything themselves. Still it is quite touching to see that even if humanity can't look after its children properly there are animals that do a good job.
So it's been about 2 weeks since my last counselling session. Have broken down in tears once I think and that was in bed last weekend. I had a pain on my left side and my mind started reeling towards the idea that I might end up in hospital again. Once I mentally went there I wasn't coming back. I cired for ages reliving what had already happened and worrying about what might happen. After a while I rolled over and started to cuddle my sleeping tom who promptly worke up grumbled loudly flung me away from him snapping "what the fuck are you doing?". Of course this didn't ease my mind. I turned away, sheepishly apologised and he started ranting (getting quieter but still going as he started to settle back to sleep). I think I managed to bite my tongue for about 3 minutes of this lecture on how I was evil and didn't need a good reason to wake someone up or do something mean!? After that I quietly said, "and you wonder why I have to see a counsellor to have someone to talk to" he soon realised that he had been a little tactless. We talked briefly he apologised and I explained that I had been upset but hadnt meant to actually wake him. I think since then he has been waking up at night and checking on me.
Going to try and leave the counselling for a while and see if I can cope without. I feel silly that I need to go and tel a stranger so much becaue I am incapable of saying exactly how I feel to anyone I actually know. This is the human condition, or mine at least. The written word is so much easier than looking in someones eyes (or in my case staring at the ground) whilst trying to articulate a feeling or personal problem.
Anway I am rambling, there is loads more I want to say but I wont, it is pointless and aggravating at best.
A 3 day weekend to be spent totally alone. 7 weeks since I last spoke to my parents and they haven't tried to phone once to see if I am ok. The walls are closing in but I am getting stronger, I wont let my world shrink like it has been anymore. I am enough for me.
posted by stunted at 4:36 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home