Blue and Yellow
Over the last week or so we have had a ridiculous amount of sunshine and a such I have actualy gone a kind of tanned colour. This is a new state of being for me, even after my trip to the caribbean I didn't change colour!
Like my mood this weekend, the weather has turned. The rain is light but persistent, I have been leaving the house in a thick coat and feel undeniably angry. I don't know if this happens to anyone else but there are days in my life when all I want to do is pick a fight. I pity Tom who generally takes the brunt of this but he invariably has days like these too. It could possibly be that everyone has this issue or just that over the years we have taken on eachothers attributes both good and bad and are the only ones who deliberately pick a fight purely for fightings sake.
Last night the argument started becaue I refused to make him a cup of coffee. How benial is that? I am not a servant or housewife and we had both had the day off. From that point on it went downhill childishly quickly like a kid on a slide. He stopped talking to me, so I started poking him and lamely singing made up songs about what and arse he can be. He then upped the anti by telling me what a waste of space I was and other insults so I upped the stakes again by asking him why he is marrying me if he feels like that. I wont bore you with the rest but by the end of the evening I had gone to bed and told him to sleep elsewhere, he tried to get in bed so i threw water at him and we got into a physical fight. Nothing serious, just poking, verbal threats and him holding me down trying to strangle me while I laugh. He said he totally gets why men beat their wives!? Funnily enough we went to bed as friends.
It isn't healthy and i know that but we have those moments, just the same as we have days when things are as perfect as I think real life will ever be.
Ok so now to be brutally honest (if the above wasnt enough). We were in the car yesterday talking about the purpose of different species in the world. His colleague used to race greyhounds and said that when he retired them he would put them down. I found this abhorrent but his belief was that they were born to race and as they were no longer "fit for purpose" he would get them put to sleep. My only response to this is that kevin was born to work and procreate and as he is past the fathering age and his work is somewhat substandard presently, maybe they should threaten to put him down and see how he likes it.
Unfortunately Tom didn't see how much this whole topic was bothering me or that I was being far from ironic when I had made me statement. His response was that as I cannot bear a child and women are born (purely on a species basis) to breed that I am either not human or shouldn't be alive.
I know he didn't mean anything by it but he fails to understand that those are the exact feelings I had when I was first diagnosed and again this year with all my hospital stuff. I'm not asking for sympathy just trying to express myself and get this out of my system before it turns into another argument.
My final therapy session is Wednesday this week, I have been finding them easier to go to but it seems that now I am capable of openly admitting my problems and feelings in a "safe" environment that they are finishing the seesions and I will need to pay if I want to continue to get better. This seems somewhat fasicious and I must admit I am concerned that going back to just holding back again will be difficult and a negative step.
Since starting my therapy I have had less outbursts of tears and been able to focus more on the positive aspects of my life. I guess I would sit in that room cry and say what was really on my mind no matter how irrelavent and then put it aside for another 7 days knowing that it ws only being temporarily bottled back up.
My only real frustration with the counselling process is that there has been no real guidance on how to deal with my problems long term. My anger and frustration at the things that have happened, whilst having been identified have not been quelled in any way. I have admitted that I need to know how to let go of these things and put the past to one side but there has been no discussion of how to do this. As I am writing right now I am getting more frsutrated and feeling less at ease.
So putting that aside to avoid a totally unnecesary rant in my life...
Going to the office tomorrow for training, then counselling Wednesday, was supposed to be London on Thursday at the Hilton then Brentwood on Friday again but managed to get out of Thursday as wont get any work done this week at all otherwise. Going to be a surprisingly long week for a four day week!?
Reading: Watching The English by Kate Fox. It's a social science book. Scarily accurate in it's account of how the English behave, speak and think. I totally relate and seeing it from an outsiders perspective have realised how ridiculous some of our habits actually are. Well worth reading and very ammusing. It has highlighted to me how abnormal us English are and that it isn't actually "those Damn Americans" that are being strange.
Listening to:
Lifehouse, was trying to find a wedding song and Ste suggested this band. very good, kinda reminiscent of The Calling.
Linkin Park, not bad really. Love the first single "What I've Done". My only problem with this band is that whilst Chester Bennington has a fantastic voice the rapping by Mike Shinoda detracts from the music for me.
Funeral For A Friend- Into Oblivion. The first single from Tales Don't Tell Themselves. I don't mind admitting that since the first time I heard this song I have been desperate to get a hold of a copy of both the track and the album. Album out shortly but in the meantime the single was released today. Picked it up on iTunes and listened a couple of times already. Love it. The guitars are superb, the intro works well with the synth being quite soft then breaking straight into the guitars. Whilst at first glance the lyrics may seem somewhat defeatist "I stared into oblivion" the song is most definitely uplifting with a sense that the writer felt that they have now come out the other side. I would tip this as being a big hit this year both as a single and album. To me this could well win awards as single of the year. If not thwarted by the evil Avril Lavigne and Girlfriend. (Cringe).
Ok totally aside from all this just wanted to say something that will make people want to vomit. Last night Tom was making his own lunch for work the next day and he randomly said, "I think I will be good at making our childrens school lunches." I think I did a double take (thought only cartoon characters did this) and repeated "Chil-dren? as in more than one?" He walked to the fridge stuck his lucnh inside and turned back saying, "well yeah, one would get lonely so we have to have more that way they can play together". Dare I say that this made me all warm and mushy on the inside. Needless to say this was sometime before our argument.
I think maybe we need to get a little less argumentative before we adopt but I suspect we will do fine.
Ok so if wondering why the title it's because when I started the blog my first thought was to check my arms for bruises form last nights argument. Then I started to wonder why our bruises go yellow. I mean I get the purple and blue kinda colours cos that's to do with the blood cells but yellow is one I haven't quite figured out yet.
Oh Well.
Like my mood this weekend, the weather has turned. The rain is light but persistent, I have been leaving the house in a thick coat and feel undeniably angry. I don't know if this happens to anyone else but there are days in my life when all I want to do is pick a fight. I pity Tom who generally takes the brunt of this but he invariably has days like these too. It could possibly be that everyone has this issue or just that over the years we have taken on eachothers attributes both good and bad and are the only ones who deliberately pick a fight purely for fightings sake.
Last night the argument started becaue I refused to make him a cup of coffee. How benial is that? I am not a servant or housewife and we had both had the day off. From that point on it went downhill childishly quickly like a kid on a slide. He stopped talking to me, so I started poking him and lamely singing made up songs about what and arse he can be. He then upped the anti by telling me what a waste of space I was and other insults so I upped the stakes again by asking him why he is marrying me if he feels like that. I wont bore you with the rest but by the end of the evening I had gone to bed and told him to sleep elsewhere, he tried to get in bed so i threw water at him and we got into a physical fight. Nothing serious, just poking, verbal threats and him holding me down trying to strangle me while I laugh. He said he totally gets why men beat their wives!? Funnily enough we went to bed as friends.
It isn't healthy and i know that but we have those moments, just the same as we have days when things are as perfect as I think real life will ever be.
Ok so now to be brutally honest (if the above wasnt enough). We were in the car yesterday talking about the purpose of different species in the world. His colleague used to race greyhounds and said that when he retired them he would put them down. I found this abhorrent but his belief was that they were born to race and as they were no longer "fit for purpose" he would get them put to sleep. My only response to this is that kevin was born to work and procreate and as he is past the fathering age and his work is somewhat substandard presently, maybe they should threaten to put him down and see how he likes it.
Unfortunately Tom didn't see how much this whole topic was bothering me or that I was being far from ironic when I had made me statement. His response was that as I cannot bear a child and women are born (purely on a species basis) to breed that I am either not human or shouldn't be alive.
I know he didn't mean anything by it but he fails to understand that those are the exact feelings I had when I was first diagnosed and again this year with all my hospital stuff. I'm not asking for sympathy just trying to express myself and get this out of my system before it turns into another argument.
My final therapy session is Wednesday this week, I have been finding them easier to go to but it seems that now I am capable of openly admitting my problems and feelings in a "safe" environment that they are finishing the seesions and I will need to pay if I want to continue to get better. This seems somewhat fasicious and I must admit I am concerned that going back to just holding back again will be difficult and a negative step.
Since starting my therapy I have had less outbursts of tears and been able to focus more on the positive aspects of my life. I guess I would sit in that room cry and say what was really on my mind no matter how irrelavent and then put it aside for another 7 days knowing that it ws only being temporarily bottled back up.
My only real frustration with the counselling process is that there has been no real guidance on how to deal with my problems long term. My anger and frustration at the things that have happened, whilst having been identified have not been quelled in any way. I have admitted that I need to know how to let go of these things and put the past to one side but there has been no discussion of how to do this. As I am writing right now I am getting more frsutrated and feeling less at ease.
So putting that aside to avoid a totally unnecesary rant in my life...
Going to the office tomorrow for training, then counselling Wednesday, was supposed to be London on Thursday at the Hilton then Brentwood on Friday again but managed to get out of Thursday as wont get any work done this week at all otherwise. Going to be a surprisingly long week for a four day week!?
Reading: Watching The English by Kate Fox. It's a social science book. Scarily accurate in it's account of how the English behave, speak and think. I totally relate and seeing it from an outsiders perspective have realised how ridiculous some of our habits actually are. Well worth reading and very ammusing. It has highlighted to me how abnormal us English are and that it isn't actually "those Damn Americans" that are being strange.
Listening to:
Lifehouse, was trying to find a wedding song and Ste suggested this band. very good, kinda reminiscent of The Calling.
Linkin Park, not bad really. Love the first single "What I've Done". My only problem with this band is that whilst Chester Bennington has a fantastic voice the rapping by Mike Shinoda detracts from the music for me.
Funeral For A Friend- Into Oblivion. The first single from Tales Don't Tell Themselves. I don't mind admitting that since the first time I heard this song I have been desperate to get a hold of a copy of both the track and the album. Album out shortly but in the meantime the single was released today. Picked it up on iTunes and listened a couple of times already. Love it. The guitars are superb, the intro works well with the synth being quite soft then breaking straight into the guitars. Whilst at first glance the lyrics may seem somewhat defeatist "I stared into oblivion" the song is most definitely uplifting with a sense that the writer felt that they have now come out the other side. I would tip this as being a big hit this year both as a single and album. To me this could well win awards as single of the year. If not thwarted by the evil Avril Lavigne and Girlfriend. (Cringe).
Ok totally aside from all this just wanted to say something that will make people want to vomit. Last night Tom was making his own lunch for work the next day and he randomly said, "I think I will be good at making our childrens school lunches." I think I did a double take (thought only cartoon characters did this) and repeated "Chil-dren? as in more than one?" He walked to the fridge stuck his lucnh inside and turned back saying, "well yeah, one would get lonely so we have to have more that way they can play together". Dare I say that this made me all warm and mushy on the inside. Needless to say this was sometime before our argument.
I think maybe we need to get a little less argumentative before we adopt but I suspect we will do fine.
Ok so if wondering why the title it's because when I started the blog my first thought was to check my arms for bruises form last nights argument. Then I started to wonder why our bruises go yellow. I mean I get the purple and blue kinda colours cos that's to do with the blood cells but yellow is one I haven't quite figured out yet.
Oh Well.
posted by stunted at 3:20 AM
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