Reflection
Ok So I have been trying to avoid writing on here for a while now. It isn't mandatory so what's the big deal right? I want to write and put into words what I am feeling these days and how things have changed for me but recently things have stopped making sense and I didn't want to post anything that was more incoherent than normal.
So here I am, rambling and that's just the first paragraph! It's been nearly about six weeks since my operation, so that means we are around six weeks into the New Year and I haven't started living yet. I promised myself on new years day I would make every day count from now on, but nothing has changed in the world except me. I have been outside a handful of times since I was discharged and I still don't feel well enough to go out or back to work. It's as much emotionally as it is physically for me right now. My pulse quickens and my stomach churns at the thought of all the questions from colleagues and bosses, "what was wrong?" that being the first in a long line of awkward questions and increasingly awkward answers. I can even picture their faces as I explain, digging my nails firmly into my palms, they go pale and eye contact stops; maybe even a nervous tick and suddenly they have other things they need to get done.
Maybe I am being melodramatic. It wouldn't be a first time, however I am more than aware that I am bitter about all that passed. I cry randomly, get angry at myself and others for no real reason. I am frustrated by the lack of control I have over my own life and body. I am helpless.
Six years since I was diagnosed with MRKH and in that time I have had one session with a psychologist during which my mum and Tom were present. Yet in January for the first time I am able to admit that I can't cope anymore. I was fine until I wrote that sentence and now the keys are blurring in front of me and I feel ridiculous because they are only words. I think I have lost more saline than they gave me via IV in the hospital. I am in bed 14 hours a day sometimes more. I hardly sleep mostly as I'm not tired; but even when my eyelids start to drop and I begin to get that floating almost numb feeling that comes with sleep, I suddenly become aware of my scar line, my breathing quickens and I panic. If not that, then I drift back in my mind to the hospital and all the minute details replay themselves. I relive them most nights involunatrily.
I can't take the, I don't know what it should be described as but for now I shall try, grief. I lost everything once already. For six years I have clung on to the last vestiges of hope that somehow they will fix me and take away all the felings of insecurity that i know I'm not supposed to have, the barrier between me and tom which stops us from being the best we really can be as a couple. I want to stop hating myself and fearing my own reflection in the mirror the way a child fears the shadows under the bed. I am frankensteins monster whilst also being the pitchfork wielding villagers. We are all our harshest critics and in the judgements we hide from the vestiges of truth that are the basis for our fears and doubts.
Now 2007 short of six years exactly by only two days and the last rays of sun have gone from the sky. The rainbow has faded after the rain and now it is perpetual darkness. The failure of doctors to diagnose me and treat me has taken away my last dreams and hopes and now I am more terrified of everything in life than I ever was.
At least when i was in pain in hospital laying there watching them insert a canular, check my blood pressure and heart rate; at leats then I thought they were going to make me better. Instead I have woken from my morphine induced daze straight into my darkest nightmare. They have unwittingly realised my biggest fears and I am left to fight the demons with nothing better than, "at least i can't have most of the female cancers." I am isolated physically, emotionally and mentally from the rest of the world and most importantly the people who are supposed to be my peers. I am scared of returning to work and subsequently the real world and have spent entire days looking for ways to escape.
I don't know where to turn anymore. I'm tired of damp pillows and wishing I was someone, anyone else. I have considerd just not coming back from our holiday in March but that isn't realistic. Then I thought about selling the house to pay off our debts, it would actually leave us at a break even so technically back at square one. From there though, what then? I couldn't afford to quit work and go to university and follow the path I was meant to take before, that turn in the road has passed. When I look at my life and try to do it without getting emotional I know one thing for sure: I want a fresh start. Searched google earlier to look at the possibility of emmigrating but you need a job to go to to get a work visa apparently but the jobs internally say you need a work permit to apply for the jobs in the overseas divisions. So i guess this is a long shot too. Then I figured what about a new career. I am almost laughing through my tears now. No company will hire me once they see my sick record. So my career is well and truly on hold for at least a year and then who knows, there is nothing locally and we can't afford to move nearer to my main office.
Round and round we go in ever decreasing circles, down and down we go because the devil is in the details.
A law firm has taken my case for clinical negligence. They are looking at my medical records and planning on sueing for damages. It will take 12-18 months to go through the process. They are doing it on a no win no fee basis which I shall take as a positive sign. For them to do this they must feel I have a strong case that they can win.
We bought a new kitten a couple of weeks ago. He is called Harvey and is extremely cute and fluffy. He has these blue eyes that seem more human than cat like and he talks non stop. He jumped into the toilet the other day so he had to have one hell of a good wash right after. At first sam wouldn't go near him but after a couple of days they were fine. I think it was the right thing to do, Sam needed more company, he doesn't follow me around anymore. Sad for me but good for him. He has even started behaving like a proper cat now! Life through the eyes of a kitten seems pretty appealing; their biggest concerns are when the next meal is, where is the best place to sleep and what to chase first.
I need sat nav for my life. If someone has directions to the exit please let me know.
So here I am, rambling and that's just the first paragraph! It's been nearly about six weeks since my operation, so that means we are around six weeks into the New Year and I haven't started living yet. I promised myself on new years day I would make every day count from now on, but nothing has changed in the world except me. I have been outside a handful of times since I was discharged and I still don't feel well enough to go out or back to work. It's as much emotionally as it is physically for me right now. My pulse quickens and my stomach churns at the thought of all the questions from colleagues and bosses, "what was wrong?" that being the first in a long line of awkward questions and increasingly awkward answers. I can even picture their faces as I explain, digging my nails firmly into my palms, they go pale and eye contact stops; maybe even a nervous tick and suddenly they have other things they need to get done.
Maybe I am being melodramatic. It wouldn't be a first time, however I am more than aware that I am bitter about all that passed. I cry randomly, get angry at myself and others for no real reason. I am frustrated by the lack of control I have over my own life and body. I am helpless.
Six years since I was diagnosed with MRKH and in that time I have had one session with a psychologist during which my mum and Tom were present. Yet in January for the first time I am able to admit that I can't cope anymore. I was fine until I wrote that sentence and now the keys are blurring in front of me and I feel ridiculous because they are only words. I think I have lost more saline than they gave me via IV in the hospital. I am in bed 14 hours a day sometimes more. I hardly sleep mostly as I'm not tired; but even when my eyelids start to drop and I begin to get that floating almost numb feeling that comes with sleep, I suddenly become aware of my scar line, my breathing quickens and I panic. If not that, then I drift back in my mind to the hospital and all the minute details replay themselves. I relive them most nights involunatrily.
I can't take the, I don't know what it should be described as but for now I shall try, grief. I lost everything once already. For six years I have clung on to the last vestiges of hope that somehow they will fix me and take away all the felings of insecurity that i know I'm not supposed to have, the barrier between me and tom which stops us from being the best we really can be as a couple. I want to stop hating myself and fearing my own reflection in the mirror the way a child fears the shadows under the bed. I am frankensteins monster whilst also being the pitchfork wielding villagers. We are all our harshest critics and in the judgements we hide from the vestiges of truth that are the basis for our fears and doubts.
Now 2007 short of six years exactly by only two days and the last rays of sun have gone from the sky. The rainbow has faded after the rain and now it is perpetual darkness. The failure of doctors to diagnose me and treat me has taken away my last dreams and hopes and now I am more terrified of everything in life than I ever was.
At least when i was in pain in hospital laying there watching them insert a canular, check my blood pressure and heart rate; at leats then I thought they were going to make me better. Instead I have woken from my morphine induced daze straight into my darkest nightmare. They have unwittingly realised my biggest fears and I am left to fight the demons with nothing better than, "at least i can't have most of the female cancers." I am isolated physically, emotionally and mentally from the rest of the world and most importantly the people who are supposed to be my peers. I am scared of returning to work and subsequently the real world and have spent entire days looking for ways to escape.
I don't know where to turn anymore. I'm tired of damp pillows and wishing I was someone, anyone else. I have considerd just not coming back from our holiday in March but that isn't realistic. Then I thought about selling the house to pay off our debts, it would actually leave us at a break even so technically back at square one. From there though, what then? I couldn't afford to quit work and go to university and follow the path I was meant to take before, that turn in the road has passed. When I look at my life and try to do it without getting emotional I know one thing for sure: I want a fresh start. Searched google earlier to look at the possibility of emmigrating but you need a job to go to to get a work visa apparently but the jobs internally say you need a work permit to apply for the jobs in the overseas divisions. So i guess this is a long shot too. Then I figured what about a new career. I am almost laughing through my tears now. No company will hire me once they see my sick record. So my career is well and truly on hold for at least a year and then who knows, there is nothing locally and we can't afford to move nearer to my main office.
Round and round we go in ever decreasing circles, down and down we go because the devil is in the details.
A law firm has taken my case for clinical negligence. They are looking at my medical records and planning on sueing for damages. It will take 12-18 months to go through the process. They are doing it on a no win no fee basis which I shall take as a positive sign. For them to do this they must feel I have a strong case that they can win.
We bought a new kitten a couple of weeks ago. He is called Harvey and is extremely cute and fluffy. He has these blue eyes that seem more human than cat like and he talks non stop. He jumped into the toilet the other day so he had to have one hell of a good wash right after. At first sam wouldn't go near him but after a couple of days they were fine. I think it was the right thing to do, Sam needed more company, he doesn't follow me around anymore. Sad for me but good for him. He has even started behaving like a proper cat now! Life through the eyes of a kitten seems pretty appealing; their biggest concerns are when the next meal is, where is the best place to sleep and what to chase first.
I need sat nav for my life. If someone has directions to the exit please let me know.
posted by stunted at 7:57 AM
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