7th June 2007

Woke up feeling bloody hungry with no drip in my arm and to the sound of that damn woman chattering away in the early hours. It’s bad enough in hospitals getting woken to have your blood pressure checked at all hours (which I’m fairly certain is purely checking if we are alive so they can’t be sued for not noticing over night) without ignorant idiots like that blathering on. My blathering was kept for this blog out of the way where no one would be bothered by it. Was told I was being discharged at 8am and the doctor had already written the note etc. Got myself ready and looking vaguely human and waited patiently. Turns out I didn’t physically get out of the hospital until 12:45 when my medication finally turned up. Why tell me to get myself ready if it’s going to be hours till I can actually go???

Finally home. I walk through the door pick up the post shove my bags down and realise I’m still wearing my hospital band on my wrist. How sad. What’s sadder is that I was at my desk and working within the hour. Best feeling that day was sitting in the bath after work, that’s when it really hit me that I was home at last.

Tom told my folks I was in hospital on Tuesday night. He said he spoke to my mum who said very little and was quick to get off of the phone. They left a message on the mobile Wednesday night (it was off as I was in hospital) and then tried again Thursday afternoon. It was my dad. Dad was again very brief on the phone so I guess they are still not really talking to me but felt they had to so they wouldn’t feel bad if I died. Charming. I had more genuine concern from Tom’s family than my own; I guess it is things like this that really tell you who and what matters in your life.

“Time takes us all,
So why am I not just living for today?
Time takes us, time takes us all,
Will I die right now? it could be seconds away
Time takes us all”
The Ripper, Lies for the Liars by The Used

“It never used to hurt before,
it isn’t funny anymore,
Feeling so alone now,
Funny how you wish some way that you could die at the hospital”
Hospital, Lies for the Liars, by The Used.

Both of them felt so appropriate on the days I lay in my hospital bed without hope paralysed by fear so much that I was ready inside to go to surgery, perversely I almost wanted it, that way I knew I would be fixed and safe. If I went home and nothing was diagnosed then I could die alone rather than a place where they would take the pain away as it happened.

You don’t realised it but we face death every day of our lives it’s just that normally we bury our heads in the sand and chose to believe it’s years away in some distant murky future not seconds or minutes away. It might be though. Any of us could die at any time and I think I am now so aware of it that it no longer scares me. I should probably counter those darker quotes with something uplifting so I will leave my blog with….

“I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone”
Famous Last Words, The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance