So today begins September. I love the Autumn almost as much as Winter, the colours as the leaves dry out in shades of auburn and burnt gold. Autumn is romantic in my mind, it's a time when you get closer to that person you love to keep warm cos you didn't realise how cold it would be outside. A time when you stand under the stars watching fireworks, feeling as though you are the only two in the world when just yards away another family is sitting under the same stars as you.

I'm looking forward to seeing the night sky without the aid of streetlights when I go away. It makes me dizzy to stand and stare at all those tiny lights where someone somehwere just might be staring straight back. It puts things in perspective; we aren't as big and important as we make out, in the scheme of things we are just another grain of sand in the top half of the hour glass. One of a billion planets orbiting a thousand stars.

It's strange to think that the light from a star that died thousands of years ago still lightens our night sky now. In a way it's a reminder that our actions live on, people don't just remember the now, they have a habit of remembering the past too and so our blunders and wonders shine equally as brightly when people think of us.

I have spent today imagining how things could be if I didn't come back at the end of this holiday. What if we didn't turn the car around to come home? We could leave behind the bills and the mundane but do you leave behind the memories? They are the baggage we take wherever we go, running away seems idyllic but futile. Being free means letting go. Accepting our mistakes and hopefully learning from them. So how do you solve a problem where the problem is you? I feel as though I am permanently in the wrong place at the wrong time, why is that?

In the early hours of this morning I lay watching the rain spot the windows slowly getting heavier like a stampede of tiny feet approaching, marching out of time. I love the rain, that fresh smell afterwards where you know everything is clean; like the world has just stepped from the shower all shiny and new free from sin to begin again. I wonder why they are considered the small hours when we don't call the evening the big hours?! Stupid thoughts like that run in circles around my mind tripping eachother over in show of poor sportsmanship. Just like the words that trip and stumble mindlessly from my mouth as I struggle to make sense of my consciousness and fumble for something meaningful in my thoughtless banter. Why must I always let slip without thinking?

Well almost everything is set for the holiday now. Tom has one more day of work, and we have to take the parrot to the parrot hotel but that's about it. Getting in the car and leaving this town behind under the raincloud that has moved in of late seems unbelievably attractive. I keep wanting to go home though, that's my biggest problem I think. I still can't accept this house, or town as my home, somewhere in me I know I belong elsewhere. Back in Essex where I feel safe, where my friends are and I know the streets and the sounds like the back of my hand. Maybe we should have booked a holiday there instead!? I joke, well mostly.

That old guy rang the house again earlier. He rings and always asks if I'm Janet, whoever she is. Everytime I explain that I'm not he acknowledges what I said then proceeds to call me Janet and explain that she left something or he needs her to do somehting or he owes her money. I'm sorry I understand that he is old and hard of hearing and most likely senile but I lost my patience and hung up on him today. I have more productive conversations with the cat and he isn't the most talkative individual.